Facebook is like a friend who continually reminds you how lonely you are. Sure, you have 500 friends, but you're not with any of them right now. Nice one, life-of-the-party.
Is it just me, or does anybody find it weird that Snoopy fought the Red Baron in his fantasy life? I can accept that Lucy was a therapist, but how does a dog have such a thorough knowledge of German World War I fighter pilots?
Haggis: Ultimate reason that the Scots can never compete on Fear Factor.
Christians, I hate to tell you this, but Jesus isn't coming back. I know it's a typical atheist thing of me to say, but it's been like 2,000 years. This is just like that dog of yours who died when you were little, but your parents told you he just ran away. Sparky, son of God, isn't coming back.
In the history of the arts, the best people seem to die tragically before their time. Ernest Hemingway shot himself, Janis Joplin overdosed and Jackson Pollock died as a result of his own drunken-driving. All I'm saying is that Simple Plan still has hope.
Do porn fluffers get good dental insurance?
Wikipedia is a great way to sort out the people who have issues. You leave a kid on a page for, as an example, "Chemistry" and give him a minute to go to whatever pages he wants. If you come back in a minute and he's reading up on hydrogen, he'll be fine. If you come back and he's clicked his way to the list of murdered Popes (yes, it does exist), that would be one of those warning bells people wish they'd heard before some kid shot up his school.
I feel like everybody needs a nemesis. Pepsi has Coke, Superman has Lex Luthor and West Virginia has the laws concerning incest.
Why was it that when I was a kid, nobody had to tell us certain things? You swallowed the small part once, you learned the lesson. You touched the electrical socket once, you learned the lesson. Now that's too dangerous? No, that's nature sorting out the ones who're going to repeat kindergarten.
When one of the Jonas Brothers finally gets an STD from their wife, I'll be satisfied. That will be the moment when I can finally say that a purity ring is good, but a condom is much more effective when you decide to be sinful.
I'm pretty sure Poland is the only country that could get conquered by people who wouldn't realize it.
This year, a 30-second commercial spot during the Superbowl costs 2.8 million dollars. For those playing along at home, that's $93,333 dollars a second. In 2008, the highest median income in any state was about $70,000. All I'm saying is that Obama might not be fixing the economy as fast as you'd like, but he's not cockslapping you like Anheuser-Busch.
A lot of sports fans like to think that they are intense or unruly. Yeah, your team might be bad, but I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. We're the first and only team to ever need a courthouse and jail WITHIN THE STADIUM. A real fan isn't somebody who bleeds their team's colors, it's somebody who leaves a game with a prison record.
Andrew Gutin
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Winter Games 2.0
The Winter Olympics start in Vancouver in a little more than a week. Yes, on February 12th, we will get to see the world's best athletes from all over the world compete in Canada for eternal glory. However, the Olympics have always sat poorly with me for one big reason and that's what events. Sure, one day of skating is fun, but every day? Swimming is the same way at the Summer Olympics. It's like that at every Olympics, we have to focus most of our time on a body of water, be it frozen or thawed. Bah, it's a waste of time when you could be doing more interesting things. With that in mind, I offer some overlooked winter sports:
Snowball Fight - Let countries fight for national pride the way you did as a little kid. Immediate disqualification for hitting somebody in the ear. That shit's messed up.
Sledding - Sure, we've got the bobsled and the luge, but how about a sledding sport that doesn't bear the risk of decapitation if you fuck up? Just do it slip n' slide style with a bunch of countries starting at the top of the hill and going belly-first to the finish line. Some will zoom past and into the stands, some will stop short, but even if you lose, I doubt you could be pissed off after that kind of ride.
In an addition to this, there's also a sport called wok racing, which lies somewhere between my sport and luge. Basically you grab a wok, a wide Chinese cooking pan, and use that as your vehicle. Some sleds do look like overgrown woks, but I think that having a large metal pan beneath you gives it a more rugged image. If you do races, and somebody falls off, that wok keeps going and has become a moving weapon. Yes, we're one bad wok accident away from the Olympics becoming a video game from the 1980's.
Snow Angels - What? It's a lot of fun and it would be a great way to get more use out of the marijuana-inclined members of your snowboarding team. First prize is a cookie.
Ice Swimming - It sounds like an oxymoron, but it really isn't. There's an open patch at both ends of the pool and nothing but ice over the rest. You do all of the normal swimming events, but completely underwater. Adds some danger to it. Sure Michael Phelps is a good swimmer, but does he have the nuts for this one?
Ice Carving - I know it's technically just art, but people do this competitively. Just give the teams an hour, their chainsaws and a massive block of ice and watch the fun. Bonus points if their final product makes fun of other countries.
Polar Bear Fight - Man vs. Polar Bear. Look, I tolerated curling for enough years that I think this is a legitimate request. I'd much rather watch a bear maul the entire Albanian bear-fight team than watch Norwegians sweeping ice. It's like a more idiotic version of bull-riding.
Maybe I'll do the Summer Olympics soon. I bet you guys can't wait to read about fire archery.
Andrew Gutin
Road Trip - Dedicated to The Mad Ones
Ladies and gentlemen, I have traveled quite a bit. I have circumnavigated the world, crossed this great country and feel that the only way for me to keep up my happiness is to keep traveling. Sure, I can stay put for a while, but eventually I will need to go. Doesn't matter to me if it's by myself or with a friend (or a partner, fingers crossed), but I need to do it.
Since funds are low, that means that the travels have had to stop and I am slowly going stir-crazy. When I first got to LA, I traveled the city, but I've gotten to know a lot of this area, so the mystery is dwindling. During weekends at Scrubs when I wasn't working, I'd sometimes just drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway for hours just for that feeling of freedom. To see the ocean to my side was a vision of beauty, reminding me of my happy days aboard the MV Explorer. One day, in fact, I just got out along the side of the road to sit and stare and had it not been for a police officer, I'd have done it all day.
You see, I was raised near the shore, so that's always had nostalgia for me.In fact, I was at the shore about two weeks after I was born, if that gives you an idea of how young this addiction began. I, a chubby newborn, would sit on the beach and I was just in a glorious mood. If you add in the fact that the shore trip was a departure from regular life, you can see why my trips to the PCH make me happy.
But even that's not enough now. So, I've devised a plan and I'd like to share it with you. When I first came out to California, I drove across the country with my dad so I could have a car here. However, because I wanted to make good time, I barely stopped except to eat or pee. Imagine that, my first big California road trip, and all I have to show for it is a few thousand miles on my odometer, some shoddy photos and a vague memory of the Will Rogers museum in Oklahoma.
Back to the plan. I want to take a road trip. At some point soon, barring job opportunities, I want to cross this great land again to experience what I missed my first time around. And I don't just want to cruise from coast to coast direct. No, that won't do at all. The starting point is Los Angeles, California and the ending point is Cherry Hill, New Jersey, then L.A. again. Other than those parameters, I just want to see it all. I know I can't see everything across America, but I want to see as much as I can.
I want to sit on the open prairie some day in the early morning and realize that there are some places that haven't changed in a century. I want to feel the lifeblood of America under my fingernails. I want to see the mighty Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and all those beautiful girls that Jack Kerouac said live in Des Moines. The big cities of Chicago, Boston, Dallas and Miami and whatever lies between them. I want to see some monuments, but the foremost monumental thing is that I will drive there. I, and hopefully an accomplice, will figure out the routes, the trails, the highways, byways and roads which criss-cross the US and we will find our own way. Should a whim some day take us in an unexpected direction, so be it. That is the point of the trip, as I see it. We need to explore for the sake of exploration.
Before you believe that this is a hapless voyage, I will say there is an ulterior motive for my travel. I am a nerd for many things in this world, but food seems to trump them all. I'm sure my quest will send me on many insane trips to out-of-the-way destinations, but I am assured that it is worth it. I'm beginning to amass a large list of places I might go from Food Network shows like 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and 'The Best Thing I Ever Ate' and if you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them. I do want to experience this country on my stomach, so any help is appreciated.
What do I hope to learn from this trip? I don't know. I just want to do it, and like the impulsive child that I am, one day it will happen before I get too antsy. This isn't a dream that will remain unfulfilled, too. If I hit thirty years old and still haven't done this trip, chances are I'll just head out on the road and never come back, so you can see my urgency. I feel like I'm being called to the road and I will answer some day. I just need to prepare and see what I can do at this current moment in financial time.
The last order of business is a partner for this grand enterprise. I could use another driver, somebody to talk to and a good friend for the lonesome miles between the coasts. If you're interested in joining, let me know. Until then, I'll be dreaming of spinning odometers on my car, flashing landmarks in innumerable cities and my glorious cross-country plan.
Andrew Gutin
Since funds are low, that means that the travels have had to stop and I am slowly going stir-crazy. When I first got to LA, I traveled the city, but I've gotten to know a lot of this area, so the mystery is dwindling. During weekends at Scrubs when I wasn't working, I'd sometimes just drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway for hours just for that feeling of freedom. To see the ocean to my side was a vision of beauty, reminding me of my happy days aboard the MV Explorer. One day, in fact, I just got out along the side of the road to sit and stare and had it not been for a police officer, I'd have done it all day.
You see, I was raised near the shore, so that's always had nostalgia for me.In fact, I was at the shore about two weeks after I was born, if that gives you an idea of how young this addiction began. I, a chubby newborn, would sit on the beach and I was just in a glorious mood. If you add in the fact that the shore trip was a departure from regular life, you can see why my trips to the PCH make me happy.
But even that's not enough now. So, I've devised a plan and I'd like to share it with you. When I first came out to California, I drove across the country with my dad so I could have a car here. However, because I wanted to make good time, I barely stopped except to eat or pee. Imagine that, my first big California road trip, and all I have to show for it is a few thousand miles on my odometer, some shoddy photos and a vague memory of the Will Rogers museum in Oklahoma.
Back to the plan. I want to take a road trip. At some point soon, barring job opportunities, I want to cross this great land again to experience what I missed my first time around. And I don't just want to cruise from coast to coast direct. No, that won't do at all. The starting point is Los Angeles, California and the ending point is Cherry Hill, New Jersey, then L.A. again. Other than those parameters, I just want to see it all. I know I can't see everything across America, but I want to see as much as I can.
I want to sit on the open prairie some day in the early morning and realize that there are some places that haven't changed in a century. I want to feel the lifeblood of America under my fingernails. I want to see the mighty Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and all those beautiful girls that Jack Kerouac said live in Des Moines. The big cities of Chicago, Boston, Dallas and Miami and whatever lies between them. I want to see some monuments, but the foremost monumental thing is that I will drive there. I, and hopefully an accomplice, will figure out the routes, the trails, the highways, byways and roads which criss-cross the US and we will find our own way. Should a whim some day take us in an unexpected direction, so be it. That is the point of the trip, as I see it. We need to explore for the sake of exploration.
Before you believe that this is a hapless voyage, I will say there is an ulterior motive for my travel. I am a nerd for many things in this world, but food seems to trump them all. I'm sure my quest will send me on many insane trips to out-of-the-way destinations, but I am assured that it is worth it. I'm beginning to amass a large list of places I might go from Food Network shows like 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and 'The Best Thing I Ever Ate' and if you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them. I do want to experience this country on my stomach, so any help is appreciated.
What do I hope to learn from this trip? I don't know. I just want to do it, and like the impulsive child that I am, one day it will happen before I get too antsy. This isn't a dream that will remain unfulfilled, too. If I hit thirty years old and still haven't done this trip, chances are I'll just head out on the road and never come back, so you can see my urgency. I feel like I'm being called to the road and I will answer some day. I just need to prepare and see what I can do at this current moment in financial time.
The last order of business is a partner for this grand enterprise. I could use another driver, somebody to talk to and a good friend for the lonesome miles between the coasts. If you're interested in joining, let me know. Until then, I'll be dreaming of spinning odometers on my car, flashing landmarks in innumerable cities and my glorious cross-country plan.
Andrew Gutin
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Rage Vol. 2
Yes, folks it's that time again. I just had a friend suggest a topic to me (Thank you, Eliza), so I figured I'd take a whack at it. For those who don't know, I've been unemployed since the middle of last year. When I returned to California from my holiday break, I had to register for unemployment with the state. Well, I'll save the good parts for what comes next. Oh, it's time for... RAGE!!!
Topic: Unemployment Office
Oh dear God, what the fuck is up with these people? I know they give out free money in theory, but if you've been through the ordeal to get that money, you know it ain't free at all. They might as well bend you over, tell you to grab your ankles and thrust in with no lube, because that'd be less painful than their bullshit system now. Some people can do their forms online, but not me. I worked in Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so they had to treat me specially. They said I had to call their direct line to get in contact with them. I shit you not, I called that line over 1,000 times in the next few weeks. Not ONCE did I get through. You'd think that one call out of a thousand might peek through, but noooooooo. I'm pretty those fuckers just put the answering machine on and go to lunch because there is no way, NO WAY that they are always that busy.
So, I finally got so pissed that I e-mailed them. I know, very aggressive of me, but that's the only way to talk to them. You wanna go to their office, but there IS NO OFFICE. Yes, there's an employment office, but no unemployment office, as if they're fooling anybody. The call center isn't in fucking Oz. You just don't want us to know where it is or you'd get firebombed by every disgruntled asshole who had to call 1000 times. But the e-mail wasn't enough for me. No, sir. I called the state office and told them about the problem and I was told they'd help me and then I waited. I waited and waited and waited.
Finally after another week of lost money, somebody called me. Not because of my e-mail, but because of talking to the state. Apparently they have more sway than your average voter. It took them fifteen seconds to tell me what to do and in that fifteen seconds, they told me that I had to do something their website told me expressly not to do. Weeks ago, I could have sent in the paper version of the unemployment application, but to get to that section, you basically need to lie on their website. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking flaw in your system unless you're hoping to tell the good people of the state of California that it's okay to always lie. You don't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess that's the message you've been sending anyways.
I did the paperwork, I sent it in and it took them another ten days to respond. Now I get mailings saying I have to prove I'm searching for work. I don't have to say I'm searching for work, I have to prove it. I have to say what I applied for, people I talked to, what happened with that. They even want me to register with their jobs website, like that'll help somebody in the entertainment business. There's a lot of entertainment gigs that register with the state office. Oops, sorry. Unless I plan on stripping, entertainment jobs are off of the state's table. Also, you want me to prove a damn thing to you after what you put me through? I think that with all the time and effort I put in on your documents, that even if I falsified them, you'd have to give me money just for completing it. You want proof? How about every week I just send you a copy of my bank account to show my dwindling funds you inconsiderate fucks. Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have lost about a month's worth of benefits.
Oh, and while we're at it, of all the state offices, yours is the worst. I've had good experiences at the DMV, I've talked to IRS agents who were nice and even the post office occasionally has good days, but I have never had such a profoundly horrible experience as the one with you. I'd soon deliver a flaming porcupine out of the tip of my penis than go through this again unless absolutely necessary. You're like the bad date who runs out on the bill, slashes your tires and rapes your mother. You shame your state, your country and if anybody from the unemployment office is reading this, I'd like my next check along with the severed head of your supervisor.
...and I'm done. Happy 20th post, everybody.
Andrew Gutin.
Topic: Unemployment Office
Oh dear God, what the fuck is up with these people? I know they give out free money in theory, but if you've been through the ordeal to get that money, you know it ain't free at all. They might as well bend you over, tell you to grab your ankles and thrust in with no lube, because that'd be less painful than their bullshit system now. Some people can do their forms online, but not me. I worked in Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so they had to treat me specially. They said I had to call their direct line to get in contact with them. I shit you not, I called that line over 1,000 times in the next few weeks. Not ONCE did I get through. You'd think that one call out of a thousand might peek through, but noooooooo. I'm pretty those fuckers just put the answering machine on and go to lunch because there is no way, NO WAY that they are always that busy.
So, I finally got so pissed that I e-mailed them. I know, very aggressive of me, but that's the only way to talk to them. You wanna go to their office, but there IS NO OFFICE. Yes, there's an employment office, but no unemployment office, as if they're fooling anybody. The call center isn't in fucking Oz. You just don't want us to know where it is or you'd get firebombed by every disgruntled asshole who had to call 1000 times. But the e-mail wasn't enough for me. No, sir. I called the state office and told them about the problem and I was told they'd help me and then I waited. I waited and waited and waited.
Finally after another week of lost money, somebody called me. Not because of my e-mail, but because of talking to the state. Apparently they have more sway than your average voter. It took them fifteen seconds to tell me what to do and in that fifteen seconds, they told me that I had to do something their website told me expressly not to do. Weeks ago, I could have sent in the paper version of the unemployment application, but to get to that section, you basically need to lie on their website. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking flaw in your system unless you're hoping to tell the good people of the state of California that it's okay to always lie. You don't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess that's the message you've been sending anyways.
I did the paperwork, I sent it in and it took them another ten days to respond. Now I get mailings saying I have to prove I'm searching for work. I don't have to say I'm searching for work, I have to prove it. I have to say what I applied for, people I talked to, what happened with that. They even want me to register with their jobs website, like that'll help somebody in the entertainment business. There's a lot of entertainment gigs that register with the state office. Oops, sorry. Unless I plan on stripping, entertainment jobs are off of the state's table. Also, you want me to prove a damn thing to you after what you put me through? I think that with all the time and effort I put in on your documents, that even if I falsified them, you'd have to give me money just for completing it. You want proof? How about every week I just send you a copy of my bank account to show my dwindling funds you inconsiderate fucks. Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have lost about a month's worth of benefits.
Oh, and while we're at it, of all the state offices, yours is the worst. I've had good experiences at the DMV, I've talked to IRS agents who were nice and even the post office occasionally has good days, but I have never had such a profoundly horrible experience as the one with you. I'd soon deliver a flaming porcupine out of the tip of my penis than go through this again unless absolutely necessary. You're like the bad date who runs out on the bill, slashes your tires and rapes your mother. You shame your state, your country and if anybody from the unemployment office is reading this, I'd like my next check along with the severed head of your supervisor.
...and I'm done. Happy 20th post, everybody.
Andrew Gutin.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lighten Up, pt. 2
The second in a series of me taking down the overly-serious one by one. Today, my point of rage is a group of people who really just make no sense to me in the modern world. On with the show:
Xenophobia in America:
Unless you're a Native American or Mexican (which is also a native American) you have no right to ever complain about foreigners in your country. They can because we took it from them, and any opposition to that is based on gross negligence of history and well-proven facts. We took land that didn't belong to us, and now we want to get uppity when somebody is just trying to establish a new life here? That does not compute.
This nation was founded by people who were religiously persecuted, enslaved, the poor, wretched refuse and citizens trying to escape something back in their home country, be it a troubled past or a vicious dictator. In all reality, a lot of immigrants would not have come here if the old world wasn't so fucked up, but it was, so here we are. Learn to deal with it.
And why are you so pissed about them coming here? They took your job? Oh, big fucking deal. You're expensive and the Mexican guy is willing to work for half of what you do without so much as a sneer. Also, if you're that worried about losing your job, here's a hint which will help: Work better. Work longer hours, work more efficiently or whatever it takes. I don't care. If you were really that concerned, you'd stop blaming other people because you're not as motivated as an immigrant.
Where would we be without immigrants by the way? Did you think of that. Let's kick 'em all out and see what happens. Are you a big beer drinker? Well, my good American chum, I hope you aren't drinking Bud, Coors or Miller, because those were created by German Americans.
What about music? Are you a fan of rock and roll? Well, jazz was one of the driving forces behind rock, which itself developed from music that slaves brought from Africa. African Americans were brought here from another country, making them toasters. Oh wait, no, it makes them immigrants. Whether they were forced here or not, they're another very important ingredient in this crazy melting pot.
Speaking of a pot, what about some grub? How about some American classics? Darn... we're running low. Hot dogs and hamburgers are from German cuisine (pesky Germans again), french fries are from Belgium, pizza is Italian (duh), barbecue is Caribbean in origin and fried chicken... well, we don't know where it's from originally, but it certainly isn't here.
Immigrants are an important part of our culture and really, without them there would be no 'our culture.' American culture is a pressure cooker built around years of terrible reactions to immigrants and if you think it's worked, you can ask the Jewish, Italian and really any other sizable population of people who came to this country. They were all harassed and it just made them tougher, so you're just wasting your breath at this point. If you're objecting to immigrants now, that just shows that you're a racist and you want to control the flow now that it isn't benefitting you. It was great when your ancestors came over, but now you just want to lock the gates because 'those' immigrants are inferior to your ancestors. So, as I said at the start, and I believe this entirely, if your people haven't lived here since before 1492, shut the fuck up.
Xenophobia in America:
Unless you're a Native American or Mexican (which is also a native American) you have no right to ever complain about foreigners in your country. They can because we took it from them, and any opposition to that is based on gross negligence of history and well-proven facts. We took land that didn't belong to us, and now we want to get uppity when somebody is just trying to establish a new life here? That does not compute.
This nation was founded by people who were religiously persecuted, enslaved, the poor, wretched refuse and citizens trying to escape something back in their home country, be it a troubled past or a vicious dictator. In all reality, a lot of immigrants would not have come here if the old world wasn't so fucked up, but it was, so here we are. Learn to deal with it.
And why are you so pissed about them coming here? They took your job? Oh, big fucking deal. You're expensive and the Mexican guy is willing to work for half of what you do without so much as a sneer. Also, if you're that worried about losing your job, here's a hint which will help: Work better. Work longer hours, work more efficiently or whatever it takes. I don't care. If you were really that concerned, you'd stop blaming other people because you're not as motivated as an immigrant.
Where would we be without immigrants by the way? Did you think of that. Let's kick 'em all out and see what happens. Are you a big beer drinker? Well, my good American chum, I hope you aren't drinking Bud, Coors or Miller, because those were created by German Americans.
What about music? Are you a fan of rock and roll? Well, jazz was one of the driving forces behind rock, which itself developed from music that slaves brought from Africa. African Americans were brought here from another country, making them toasters. Oh wait, no, it makes them immigrants. Whether they were forced here or not, they're another very important ingredient in this crazy melting pot.
Speaking of a pot, what about some grub? How about some American classics? Darn... we're running low. Hot dogs and hamburgers are from German cuisine (pesky Germans again), french fries are from Belgium, pizza is Italian (duh), barbecue is Caribbean in origin and fried chicken... well, we don't know where it's from originally, but it certainly isn't here.
Immigrants are an important part of our culture and really, without them there would be no 'our culture.' American culture is a pressure cooker built around years of terrible reactions to immigrants and if you think it's worked, you can ask the Jewish, Italian and really any other sizable population of people who came to this country. They were all harassed and it just made them tougher, so you're just wasting your breath at this point. If you're objecting to immigrants now, that just shows that you're a racist and you want to control the flow now that it isn't benefitting you. It was great when your ancestors came over, but now you just want to lock the gates because 'those' immigrants are inferior to your ancestors. So, as I said at the start, and I believe this entirely, if your people haven't lived here since before 1492, shut the fuck up.
Andrew Gutin
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