Winter Games 2.0

The Winter Olympics start in Vancouver in a little more than a week. Yes, on February 12th, we will get to see the world's best athletes from all over the world compete in Canada for eternal glory. However, the Olympics have always sat poorly with me for one big reason and that's what events. Sure, one day of skating is fun, but every day? Swimming is the same way at the Summer Olympics. It's like that at every Olympics, we have to focus most of our time on a body of water, be it frozen or thawed. Bah, it's a waste of time when you could be doing more interesting things. With that in mind, I offer some overlooked winter sports:

Snowball Fight - Let countries fight for national pride the way you did as a little kid. Immediate disqualification for hitting somebody in the ear. That shit's messed up.

Sledding - Sure, we've got the bobsled and the luge, but how about a sledding sport that doesn't bear the risk of decapitation if you fuck up? Just do it slip n' slide style with a bunch of countries starting at the top of the hill and going belly-first to the finish line. Some will zoom past and into the stands, some will stop short, but even if you lose, I doubt you could be pissed off after that kind of ride.

In an addition to this, there's also a sport called wok racing, which lies somewhere between my sport and luge. Basically you grab a wok, a wide Chinese cooking pan, and use that as your vehicle. Some sleds do look like overgrown woks, but I think that having a large metal pan beneath you gives it a more rugged image. If you do races, and somebody falls off, that wok keeps going and has become a moving weapon. Yes, we're one bad wok accident away from the Olympics becoming a video game from the 1980's.

Snow Angels - What? It's a lot of fun and it would be a great way to get more use out of the marijuana-inclined members of your snowboarding team. First prize is a cookie.

Ice Swimming - It sounds like an oxymoron, but it really isn't. There's an open patch at both ends of the pool and nothing but ice over the rest. You do all of the normal swimming events, but completely underwater. Adds some danger to it. Sure Michael Phelps is a good swimmer, but does he have the nuts for this one?

Ice Carving - I know it's technically just art, but people do this competitively. Just give the teams an hour, their chainsaws and a massive block of ice and watch the fun. Bonus points if their final product makes fun of other countries.

Polar Bear Fight - Man vs. Polar Bear. Look, I tolerated curling for enough years that I think this is a legitimate request. I'd much rather watch a bear maul the entire Albanian bear-fight team than watch Norwegians sweeping ice. It's like a more idiotic version of bull-riding.

Maybe I'll do the Summer Olympics soon. I bet you guys can't wait to read about fire archery.

Andrew Gutin