Facebook is like a friend who continually reminds you how lonely you are. Sure, you have 500 friends, but you're not with any of them right now. Nice one, life-of-the-party.
Is it just me, or does anybody find it weird that Snoopy fought the Red Baron in his fantasy life? I can accept that Lucy was a therapist, but how does a dog have such a thorough knowledge of German World War I fighter pilots?
Haggis: Ultimate reason that the Scots can never compete on Fear Factor.
Christians, I hate to tell you this, but Jesus isn't coming back. I know it's a typical atheist thing of me to say, but it's been like 2,000 years. This is just like that dog of yours who died when you were little, but your parents told you he just ran away. Sparky, son of God, isn't coming back.
In the history of the arts, the best people seem to die tragically before their time. Ernest Hemingway shot himself, Janis Joplin overdosed and Jackson Pollock died as a result of his own drunken-driving. All I'm saying is that Simple Plan still has hope.
Do porn fluffers get good dental insurance?
Wikipedia is a great way to sort out the people who have issues. You leave a kid on a page for, as an example, "Chemistry" and give him a minute to go to whatever pages he wants. If you come back in a minute and he's reading up on hydrogen, he'll be fine. If you come back and he's clicked his way to the list of murdered Popes (yes, it does exist), that would be one of those warning bells people wish they'd heard before some kid shot up his school.
I feel like everybody needs a nemesis. Pepsi has Coke, Superman has Lex Luthor and West Virginia has the laws concerning incest.
Why was it that when I was a kid, nobody had to tell us certain things? You swallowed the small part once, you learned the lesson. You touched the electrical socket once, you learned the lesson. Now that's too dangerous? No, that's nature sorting out the ones who're going to repeat kindergarten.
When one of the Jonas Brothers finally gets an STD from their wife, I'll be satisfied. That will be the moment when I can finally say that a purity ring is good, but a condom is much more effective when you decide to be sinful.
I'm pretty sure Poland is the only country that could get conquered by people who wouldn't realize it.
This year, a 30-second commercial spot during the Superbowl costs 2.8 million dollars. For those playing along at home, that's $93,333 dollars a second. In 2008, the highest median income in any state was about $70,000. All I'm saying is that Obama might not be fixing the economy as fast as you'd like, but he's not cockslapping you like Anheuser-Busch.
A lot of sports fans like to think that they are intense or unruly. Yeah, your team might be bad, but I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. We're the first and only team to ever need a courthouse and jail WITHIN THE STADIUM. A real fan isn't somebody who bleeds their team's colors, it's somebody who leaves a game with a prison record.
Andrew Gutin
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