Facebook is like a friend who continually reminds you how lonely you are. Sure, you have 500 friends, but you're not with any of them right now. Nice one, life-of-the-party.
Is it just me, or does anybody find it weird that Snoopy fought the Red Baron in his fantasy life? I can accept that Lucy was a therapist, but how does a dog have such a thorough knowledge of German World War I fighter pilots?
Haggis: Ultimate reason that the Scots can never compete on Fear Factor.
Christians, I hate to tell you this, but Jesus isn't coming back. I know it's a typical atheist thing of me to say, but it's been like 2,000 years. This is just like that dog of yours who died when you were little, but your parents told you he just ran away. Sparky, son of God, isn't coming back.
In the history of the arts, the best people seem to die tragically before their time. Ernest Hemingway shot himself, Janis Joplin overdosed and Jackson Pollock died as a result of his own drunken-driving. All I'm saying is that Simple Plan still has hope.
Do porn fluffers get good dental insurance?
Wikipedia is a great way to sort out the people who have issues. You leave a kid on a page for, as an example, "Chemistry" and give him a minute to go to whatever pages he wants. If you come back in a minute and he's reading up on hydrogen, he'll be fine. If you come back and he's clicked his way to the list of murdered Popes (yes, it does exist), that would be one of those warning bells people wish they'd heard before some kid shot up his school.
I feel like everybody needs a nemesis. Pepsi has Coke, Superman has Lex Luthor and West Virginia has the laws concerning incest.
Why was it that when I was a kid, nobody had to tell us certain things? You swallowed the small part once, you learned the lesson. You touched the electrical socket once, you learned the lesson. Now that's too dangerous? No, that's nature sorting out the ones who're going to repeat kindergarten.
When one of the Jonas Brothers finally gets an STD from their wife, I'll be satisfied. That will be the moment when I can finally say that a purity ring is good, but a condom is much more effective when you decide to be sinful.
I'm pretty sure Poland is the only country that could get conquered by people who wouldn't realize it.
This year, a 30-second commercial spot during the Superbowl costs 2.8 million dollars. For those playing along at home, that's $93,333 dollars a second. In 2008, the highest median income in any state was about $70,000. All I'm saying is that Obama might not be fixing the economy as fast as you'd like, but he's not cockslapping you like Anheuser-Busch.
A lot of sports fans like to think that they are intense or unruly. Yeah, your team might be bad, but I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. We're the first and only team to ever need a courthouse and jail WITHIN THE STADIUM. A real fan isn't somebody who bleeds their team's colors, it's somebody who leaves a game with a prison record.
Andrew Gutin
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Winter Games 2.0
The Winter Olympics start in Vancouver in a little more than a week. Yes, on February 12th, we will get to see the world's best athletes from all over the world compete in Canada for eternal glory. However, the Olympics have always sat poorly with me for one big reason and that's what events. Sure, one day of skating is fun, but every day? Swimming is the same way at the Summer Olympics. It's like that at every Olympics, we have to focus most of our time on a body of water, be it frozen or thawed. Bah, it's a waste of time when you could be doing more interesting things. With that in mind, I offer some overlooked winter sports:
Snowball Fight - Let countries fight for national pride the way you did as a little kid. Immediate disqualification for hitting somebody in the ear. That shit's messed up.
Sledding - Sure, we've got the bobsled and the luge, but how about a sledding sport that doesn't bear the risk of decapitation if you fuck up? Just do it slip n' slide style with a bunch of countries starting at the top of the hill and going belly-first to the finish line. Some will zoom past and into the stands, some will stop short, but even if you lose, I doubt you could be pissed off after that kind of ride.
In an addition to this, there's also a sport called wok racing, which lies somewhere between my sport and luge. Basically you grab a wok, a wide Chinese cooking pan, and use that as your vehicle. Some sleds do look like overgrown woks, but I think that having a large metal pan beneath you gives it a more rugged image. If you do races, and somebody falls off, that wok keeps going and has become a moving weapon. Yes, we're one bad wok accident away from the Olympics becoming a video game from the 1980's.
Snow Angels - What? It's a lot of fun and it would be a great way to get more use out of the marijuana-inclined members of your snowboarding team. First prize is a cookie.
Ice Swimming - It sounds like an oxymoron, but it really isn't. There's an open patch at both ends of the pool and nothing but ice over the rest. You do all of the normal swimming events, but completely underwater. Adds some danger to it. Sure Michael Phelps is a good swimmer, but does he have the nuts for this one?
Ice Carving - I know it's technically just art, but people do this competitively. Just give the teams an hour, their chainsaws and a massive block of ice and watch the fun. Bonus points if their final product makes fun of other countries.
Polar Bear Fight - Man vs. Polar Bear. Look, I tolerated curling for enough years that I think this is a legitimate request. I'd much rather watch a bear maul the entire Albanian bear-fight team than watch Norwegians sweeping ice. It's like a more idiotic version of bull-riding.
Maybe I'll do the Summer Olympics soon. I bet you guys can't wait to read about fire archery.
Andrew Gutin
Road Trip - Dedicated to The Mad Ones
Ladies and gentlemen, I have traveled quite a bit. I have circumnavigated the world, crossed this great country and feel that the only way for me to keep up my happiness is to keep traveling. Sure, I can stay put for a while, but eventually I will need to go. Doesn't matter to me if it's by myself or with a friend (or a partner, fingers crossed), but I need to do it.
Since funds are low, that means that the travels have had to stop and I am slowly going stir-crazy. When I first got to LA, I traveled the city, but I've gotten to know a lot of this area, so the mystery is dwindling. During weekends at Scrubs when I wasn't working, I'd sometimes just drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway for hours just for that feeling of freedom. To see the ocean to my side was a vision of beauty, reminding me of my happy days aboard the MV Explorer. One day, in fact, I just got out along the side of the road to sit and stare and had it not been for a police officer, I'd have done it all day.
You see, I was raised near the shore, so that's always had nostalgia for me.In fact, I was at the shore about two weeks after I was born, if that gives you an idea of how young this addiction began. I, a chubby newborn, would sit on the beach and I was just in a glorious mood. If you add in the fact that the shore trip was a departure from regular life, you can see why my trips to the PCH make me happy.
But even that's not enough now. So, I've devised a plan and I'd like to share it with you. When I first came out to California, I drove across the country with my dad so I could have a car here. However, because I wanted to make good time, I barely stopped except to eat or pee. Imagine that, my first big California road trip, and all I have to show for it is a few thousand miles on my odometer, some shoddy photos and a vague memory of the Will Rogers museum in Oklahoma.
Back to the plan. I want to take a road trip. At some point soon, barring job opportunities, I want to cross this great land again to experience what I missed my first time around. And I don't just want to cruise from coast to coast direct. No, that won't do at all. The starting point is Los Angeles, California and the ending point is Cherry Hill, New Jersey, then L.A. again. Other than those parameters, I just want to see it all. I know I can't see everything across America, but I want to see as much as I can.
I want to sit on the open prairie some day in the early morning and realize that there are some places that haven't changed in a century. I want to feel the lifeblood of America under my fingernails. I want to see the mighty Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and all those beautiful girls that Jack Kerouac said live in Des Moines. The big cities of Chicago, Boston, Dallas and Miami and whatever lies between them. I want to see some monuments, but the foremost monumental thing is that I will drive there. I, and hopefully an accomplice, will figure out the routes, the trails, the highways, byways and roads which criss-cross the US and we will find our own way. Should a whim some day take us in an unexpected direction, so be it. That is the point of the trip, as I see it. We need to explore for the sake of exploration.
Before you believe that this is a hapless voyage, I will say there is an ulterior motive for my travel. I am a nerd for many things in this world, but food seems to trump them all. I'm sure my quest will send me on many insane trips to out-of-the-way destinations, but I am assured that it is worth it. I'm beginning to amass a large list of places I might go from Food Network shows like 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and 'The Best Thing I Ever Ate' and if you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them. I do want to experience this country on my stomach, so any help is appreciated.
What do I hope to learn from this trip? I don't know. I just want to do it, and like the impulsive child that I am, one day it will happen before I get too antsy. This isn't a dream that will remain unfulfilled, too. If I hit thirty years old and still haven't done this trip, chances are I'll just head out on the road and never come back, so you can see my urgency. I feel like I'm being called to the road and I will answer some day. I just need to prepare and see what I can do at this current moment in financial time.
The last order of business is a partner for this grand enterprise. I could use another driver, somebody to talk to and a good friend for the lonesome miles between the coasts. If you're interested in joining, let me know. Until then, I'll be dreaming of spinning odometers on my car, flashing landmarks in innumerable cities and my glorious cross-country plan.
Andrew Gutin
Since funds are low, that means that the travels have had to stop and I am slowly going stir-crazy. When I first got to LA, I traveled the city, but I've gotten to know a lot of this area, so the mystery is dwindling. During weekends at Scrubs when I wasn't working, I'd sometimes just drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway for hours just for that feeling of freedom. To see the ocean to my side was a vision of beauty, reminding me of my happy days aboard the MV Explorer. One day, in fact, I just got out along the side of the road to sit and stare and had it not been for a police officer, I'd have done it all day.
You see, I was raised near the shore, so that's always had nostalgia for me.In fact, I was at the shore about two weeks after I was born, if that gives you an idea of how young this addiction began. I, a chubby newborn, would sit on the beach and I was just in a glorious mood. If you add in the fact that the shore trip was a departure from regular life, you can see why my trips to the PCH make me happy.
But even that's not enough now. So, I've devised a plan and I'd like to share it with you. When I first came out to California, I drove across the country with my dad so I could have a car here. However, because I wanted to make good time, I barely stopped except to eat or pee. Imagine that, my first big California road trip, and all I have to show for it is a few thousand miles on my odometer, some shoddy photos and a vague memory of the Will Rogers museum in Oklahoma.
Back to the plan. I want to take a road trip. At some point soon, barring job opportunities, I want to cross this great land again to experience what I missed my first time around. And I don't just want to cruise from coast to coast direct. No, that won't do at all. The starting point is Los Angeles, California and the ending point is Cherry Hill, New Jersey, then L.A. again. Other than those parameters, I just want to see it all. I know I can't see everything across America, but I want to see as much as I can.
I want to sit on the open prairie some day in the early morning and realize that there are some places that haven't changed in a century. I want to feel the lifeblood of America under my fingernails. I want to see the mighty Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and all those beautiful girls that Jack Kerouac said live in Des Moines. The big cities of Chicago, Boston, Dallas and Miami and whatever lies between them. I want to see some monuments, but the foremost monumental thing is that I will drive there. I, and hopefully an accomplice, will figure out the routes, the trails, the highways, byways and roads which criss-cross the US and we will find our own way. Should a whim some day take us in an unexpected direction, so be it. That is the point of the trip, as I see it. We need to explore for the sake of exploration.
Before you believe that this is a hapless voyage, I will say there is an ulterior motive for my travel. I am a nerd for many things in this world, but food seems to trump them all. I'm sure my quest will send me on many insane trips to out-of-the-way destinations, but I am assured that it is worth it. I'm beginning to amass a large list of places I might go from Food Network shows like 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and 'The Best Thing I Ever Ate' and if you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them. I do want to experience this country on my stomach, so any help is appreciated.
What do I hope to learn from this trip? I don't know. I just want to do it, and like the impulsive child that I am, one day it will happen before I get too antsy. This isn't a dream that will remain unfulfilled, too. If I hit thirty years old and still haven't done this trip, chances are I'll just head out on the road and never come back, so you can see my urgency. I feel like I'm being called to the road and I will answer some day. I just need to prepare and see what I can do at this current moment in financial time.
The last order of business is a partner for this grand enterprise. I could use another driver, somebody to talk to and a good friend for the lonesome miles between the coasts. If you're interested in joining, let me know. Until then, I'll be dreaming of spinning odometers on my car, flashing landmarks in innumerable cities and my glorious cross-country plan.
Andrew Gutin
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Rage Vol. 2
Yes, folks it's that time again. I just had a friend suggest a topic to me (Thank you, Eliza), so I figured I'd take a whack at it. For those who don't know, I've been unemployed since the middle of last year. When I returned to California from my holiday break, I had to register for unemployment with the state. Well, I'll save the good parts for what comes next. Oh, it's time for... RAGE!!!
Topic: Unemployment Office
Oh dear God, what the fuck is up with these people? I know they give out free money in theory, but if you've been through the ordeal to get that money, you know it ain't free at all. They might as well bend you over, tell you to grab your ankles and thrust in with no lube, because that'd be less painful than their bullshit system now. Some people can do their forms online, but not me. I worked in Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so they had to treat me specially. They said I had to call their direct line to get in contact with them. I shit you not, I called that line over 1,000 times in the next few weeks. Not ONCE did I get through. You'd think that one call out of a thousand might peek through, but noooooooo. I'm pretty those fuckers just put the answering machine on and go to lunch because there is no way, NO WAY that they are always that busy.
So, I finally got so pissed that I e-mailed them. I know, very aggressive of me, but that's the only way to talk to them. You wanna go to their office, but there IS NO OFFICE. Yes, there's an employment office, but no unemployment office, as if they're fooling anybody. The call center isn't in fucking Oz. You just don't want us to know where it is or you'd get firebombed by every disgruntled asshole who had to call 1000 times. But the e-mail wasn't enough for me. No, sir. I called the state office and told them about the problem and I was told they'd help me and then I waited. I waited and waited and waited.
Finally after another week of lost money, somebody called me. Not because of my e-mail, but because of talking to the state. Apparently they have more sway than your average voter. It took them fifteen seconds to tell me what to do and in that fifteen seconds, they told me that I had to do something their website told me expressly not to do. Weeks ago, I could have sent in the paper version of the unemployment application, but to get to that section, you basically need to lie on their website. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking flaw in your system unless you're hoping to tell the good people of the state of California that it's okay to always lie. You don't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess that's the message you've been sending anyways.
I did the paperwork, I sent it in and it took them another ten days to respond. Now I get mailings saying I have to prove I'm searching for work. I don't have to say I'm searching for work, I have to prove it. I have to say what I applied for, people I talked to, what happened with that. They even want me to register with their jobs website, like that'll help somebody in the entertainment business. There's a lot of entertainment gigs that register with the state office. Oops, sorry. Unless I plan on stripping, entertainment jobs are off of the state's table. Also, you want me to prove a damn thing to you after what you put me through? I think that with all the time and effort I put in on your documents, that even if I falsified them, you'd have to give me money just for completing it. You want proof? How about every week I just send you a copy of my bank account to show my dwindling funds you inconsiderate fucks. Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have lost about a month's worth of benefits.
Oh, and while we're at it, of all the state offices, yours is the worst. I've had good experiences at the DMV, I've talked to IRS agents who were nice and even the post office occasionally has good days, but I have never had such a profoundly horrible experience as the one with you. I'd soon deliver a flaming porcupine out of the tip of my penis than go through this again unless absolutely necessary. You're like the bad date who runs out on the bill, slashes your tires and rapes your mother. You shame your state, your country and if anybody from the unemployment office is reading this, I'd like my next check along with the severed head of your supervisor.
...and I'm done. Happy 20th post, everybody.
Andrew Gutin.
Topic: Unemployment Office
Oh dear God, what the fuck is up with these people? I know they give out free money in theory, but if you've been through the ordeal to get that money, you know it ain't free at all. They might as well bend you over, tell you to grab your ankles and thrust in with no lube, because that'd be less painful than their bullshit system now. Some people can do their forms online, but not me. I worked in Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so they had to treat me specially. They said I had to call their direct line to get in contact with them. I shit you not, I called that line over 1,000 times in the next few weeks. Not ONCE did I get through. You'd think that one call out of a thousand might peek through, but noooooooo. I'm pretty those fuckers just put the answering machine on and go to lunch because there is no way, NO WAY that they are always that busy.
So, I finally got so pissed that I e-mailed them. I know, very aggressive of me, but that's the only way to talk to them. You wanna go to their office, but there IS NO OFFICE. Yes, there's an employment office, but no unemployment office, as if they're fooling anybody. The call center isn't in fucking Oz. You just don't want us to know where it is or you'd get firebombed by every disgruntled asshole who had to call 1000 times. But the e-mail wasn't enough for me. No, sir. I called the state office and told them about the problem and I was told they'd help me and then I waited. I waited and waited and waited.
Finally after another week of lost money, somebody called me. Not because of my e-mail, but because of talking to the state. Apparently they have more sway than your average voter. It took them fifteen seconds to tell me what to do and in that fifteen seconds, they told me that I had to do something their website told me expressly not to do. Weeks ago, I could have sent in the paper version of the unemployment application, but to get to that section, you basically need to lie on their website. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking flaw in your system unless you're hoping to tell the good people of the state of California that it's okay to always lie. You don't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess that's the message you've been sending anyways.
I did the paperwork, I sent it in and it took them another ten days to respond. Now I get mailings saying I have to prove I'm searching for work. I don't have to say I'm searching for work, I have to prove it. I have to say what I applied for, people I talked to, what happened with that. They even want me to register with their jobs website, like that'll help somebody in the entertainment business. There's a lot of entertainment gigs that register with the state office. Oops, sorry. Unless I plan on stripping, entertainment jobs are off of the state's table. Also, you want me to prove a damn thing to you after what you put me through? I think that with all the time and effort I put in on your documents, that even if I falsified them, you'd have to give me money just for completing it. You want proof? How about every week I just send you a copy of my bank account to show my dwindling funds you inconsiderate fucks. Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have lost about a month's worth of benefits.
Oh, and while we're at it, of all the state offices, yours is the worst. I've had good experiences at the DMV, I've talked to IRS agents who were nice and even the post office occasionally has good days, but I have never had such a profoundly horrible experience as the one with you. I'd soon deliver a flaming porcupine out of the tip of my penis than go through this again unless absolutely necessary. You're like the bad date who runs out on the bill, slashes your tires and rapes your mother. You shame your state, your country and if anybody from the unemployment office is reading this, I'd like my next check along with the severed head of your supervisor.
...and I'm done. Happy 20th post, everybody.
Andrew Gutin.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lighten Up, pt. 2
The second in a series of me taking down the overly-serious one by one. Today, my point of rage is a group of people who really just make no sense to me in the modern world. On with the show:
Xenophobia in America:
Unless you're a Native American or Mexican (which is also a native American) you have no right to ever complain about foreigners in your country. They can because we took it from them, and any opposition to that is based on gross negligence of history and well-proven facts. We took land that didn't belong to us, and now we want to get uppity when somebody is just trying to establish a new life here? That does not compute.
This nation was founded by people who were religiously persecuted, enslaved, the poor, wretched refuse and citizens trying to escape something back in their home country, be it a troubled past or a vicious dictator. In all reality, a lot of immigrants would not have come here if the old world wasn't so fucked up, but it was, so here we are. Learn to deal with it.
And why are you so pissed about them coming here? They took your job? Oh, big fucking deal. You're expensive and the Mexican guy is willing to work for half of what you do without so much as a sneer. Also, if you're that worried about losing your job, here's a hint which will help: Work better. Work longer hours, work more efficiently or whatever it takes. I don't care. If you were really that concerned, you'd stop blaming other people because you're not as motivated as an immigrant.
Where would we be without immigrants by the way? Did you think of that. Let's kick 'em all out and see what happens. Are you a big beer drinker? Well, my good American chum, I hope you aren't drinking Bud, Coors or Miller, because those were created by German Americans.
What about music? Are you a fan of rock and roll? Well, jazz was one of the driving forces behind rock, which itself developed from music that slaves brought from Africa. African Americans were brought here from another country, making them toasters. Oh wait, no, it makes them immigrants. Whether they were forced here or not, they're another very important ingredient in this crazy melting pot.
Speaking of a pot, what about some grub? How about some American classics? Darn... we're running low. Hot dogs and hamburgers are from German cuisine (pesky Germans again), french fries are from Belgium, pizza is Italian (duh), barbecue is Caribbean in origin and fried chicken... well, we don't know where it's from originally, but it certainly isn't here.
Immigrants are an important part of our culture and really, without them there would be no 'our culture.' American culture is a pressure cooker built around years of terrible reactions to immigrants and if you think it's worked, you can ask the Jewish, Italian and really any other sizable population of people who came to this country. They were all harassed and it just made them tougher, so you're just wasting your breath at this point. If you're objecting to immigrants now, that just shows that you're a racist and you want to control the flow now that it isn't benefitting you. It was great when your ancestors came over, but now you just want to lock the gates because 'those' immigrants are inferior to your ancestors. So, as I said at the start, and I believe this entirely, if your people haven't lived here since before 1492, shut the fuck up.
Xenophobia in America:
Unless you're a Native American or Mexican (which is also a native American) you have no right to ever complain about foreigners in your country. They can because we took it from them, and any opposition to that is based on gross negligence of history and well-proven facts. We took land that didn't belong to us, and now we want to get uppity when somebody is just trying to establish a new life here? That does not compute.
This nation was founded by people who were religiously persecuted, enslaved, the poor, wretched refuse and citizens trying to escape something back in their home country, be it a troubled past or a vicious dictator. In all reality, a lot of immigrants would not have come here if the old world wasn't so fucked up, but it was, so here we are. Learn to deal with it.
And why are you so pissed about them coming here? They took your job? Oh, big fucking deal. You're expensive and the Mexican guy is willing to work for half of what you do without so much as a sneer. Also, if you're that worried about losing your job, here's a hint which will help: Work better. Work longer hours, work more efficiently or whatever it takes. I don't care. If you were really that concerned, you'd stop blaming other people because you're not as motivated as an immigrant.
Where would we be without immigrants by the way? Did you think of that. Let's kick 'em all out and see what happens. Are you a big beer drinker? Well, my good American chum, I hope you aren't drinking Bud, Coors or Miller, because those were created by German Americans.
What about music? Are you a fan of rock and roll? Well, jazz was one of the driving forces behind rock, which itself developed from music that slaves brought from Africa. African Americans were brought here from another country, making them toasters. Oh wait, no, it makes them immigrants. Whether they were forced here or not, they're another very important ingredient in this crazy melting pot.
Speaking of a pot, what about some grub? How about some American classics? Darn... we're running low. Hot dogs and hamburgers are from German cuisine (pesky Germans again), french fries are from Belgium, pizza is Italian (duh), barbecue is Caribbean in origin and fried chicken... well, we don't know where it's from originally, but it certainly isn't here.
Immigrants are an important part of our culture and really, without them there would be no 'our culture.' American culture is a pressure cooker built around years of terrible reactions to immigrants and if you think it's worked, you can ask the Jewish, Italian and really any other sizable population of people who came to this country. They were all harassed and it just made them tougher, so you're just wasting your breath at this point. If you're objecting to immigrants now, that just shows that you're a racist and you want to control the flow now that it isn't benefitting you. It was great when your ancestors came over, but now you just want to lock the gates because 'those' immigrants are inferior to your ancestors. So, as I said at the start, and I believe this entirely, if your people haven't lived here since before 1492, shut the fuck up.
Andrew Gutin
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Literal Wisdom
Some famous adages:
An apple keeps the doctor away. - I feel that the person who wrote this died by subsisting entirely on apples when he started to cough up blood. Sure, apples are nice, but they don't replace chemotherapy.
There is no use crying over spilt milk. - Spilt blood is another thing entirely.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. - I'm sorry then, but what's the point of having the cake?
A watched pot never boils. - Fire helps. Burn your eyes out so you stop looking or set it under the pot, then watch away.
Never judge a book by its cover. - Yeah, because if it has a midget fisting a twelve year old Vietnamese prostitute's asshole on the cover, it could be Wuthering Heights.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - My slogan of choice for AA.
Why pay the cows when you can get the milk for free? - Again, the person who wrote this probably died due to his own advice, sucking on a cow's udders in some random farmer's barn.
Cut off your nose to spite your face. - Van Gogh went with an ear and we all know his name, so maybe there's something to this face-spite.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Perhaps what ails the U.S. economy could be solved by a quick nap.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. - Just like when what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas, I'm not bailing you out when you try this one.
Beauty is only skin deep. - You ever notice how people who say this are always really pretty or really ugly? If you've ever had to pay for a drink at a bar, guess which one you are?
The grass is always greener on the other side. - Unless you live next to a prison.
Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. - Fool me three times, check if I've had a stroke.
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. - There is, however, no accounting for rowdy neighborhood kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. - Yet again, this brilliant author was probably murdered when he brought his enemies on a vacation. His friends were distraught, but they recalled he was only friendly when he was in need, so they got over it.
There is more than one way to skin a cat. - My slogan of choice for the ASPCA.
Don't count your chickens until they are hatched. - However, should you like a frittata, we have what we need.
Where there's a will, there's a way. - Where there's a will, there's a 25 year old woman willing to fuck a geriatric to bank his estate.
Andrew Gutin
An apple keeps the doctor away. - I feel that the person who wrote this died by subsisting entirely on apples when he started to cough up blood. Sure, apples are nice, but they don't replace chemotherapy.
There is no use crying over spilt milk. - Spilt blood is another thing entirely.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. - I'm sorry then, but what's the point of having the cake?
A watched pot never boils. - Fire helps. Burn your eyes out so you stop looking or set it under the pot, then watch away.
Never judge a book by its cover. - Yeah, because if it has a midget fisting a twelve year old Vietnamese prostitute's asshole on the cover, it could be Wuthering Heights.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - My slogan of choice for AA.
Why pay the cows when you can get the milk for free? - Again, the person who wrote this probably died due to his own advice, sucking on a cow's udders in some random farmer's barn.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. - And if you believe this, you're probably a shitty friend.
Cut off your nose to spite your face. - Van Gogh went with an ear and we all know his name, so maybe there's something to this face-spite.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Perhaps what ails the U.S. economy could be solved by a quick nap.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. - Just like when what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas, I'm not bailing you out when you try this one.
Beauty is only skin deep. - You ever notice how people who say this are always really pretty or really ugly? If you've ever had to pay for a drink at a bar, guess which one you are?
The grass is always greener on the other side. - Unless you live next to a prison.
Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. - Fool me three times, check if I've had a stroke.
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. - There is, however, no accounting for rowdy neighborhood kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. - Yet again, this brilliant author was probably murdered when he brought his enemies on a vacation. His friends were distraught, but they recalled he was only friendly when he was in need, so they got over it.
There is more than one way to skin a cat. - My slogan of choice for the ASPCA.
Don't count your chickens until they are hatched. - However, should you like a frittata, we have what we need.
Where there's a will, there's a way. - Where there's a will, there's a 25 year old woman willing to fuck a geriatric to bank his estate.
Andrew Gutin
The Things In My Head
Currently, there's a campaign run by the NFL called Play 60, where they urge all children to get at least an hour of exercise a day. I'm sorry, but when I was a kid we didn't need people to tell us that. If it was warm, you played outside until you got tired and if it was cold, you played inside until you got tired. Step it up parents, or I'm gonna break the XBox 360 and start lobbing dodge balls at your kid until he's not fat.
Google just launched their newest product, a tablet computer called the iPad. And here I thought that was going to be a female-oriented product.
Craigslist has a large amount of personal ads for people looking for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) sex. There's also a classified ads where people are selling everything from lube to shady warehouses. They even have an entire section of people willing to render 'services' for a price. Craigslist: Walmart for rapists.
Being on unemployment is fun. Now, when I show up on CNN, I'm officially 'part of the problem.' God bless America for giving me this privilege.
Many people refer to sites like Youtube as 'Timewaster Sites.' They feel the sites serve one purpose, and that is to divert people's attention from actual work. That is not true. The purpose is to allow us to upload endless videos of cats doing cute things (Keyboard Cat) because they can't do it for themselves. I'm not wasting time, I'm just helping out a fellow being without thumbs.
I've seen the Twilight moms and they scare me. Where has Chris Hanson been during this prolonged episode of "To Catch A Predator?
Why are parents now so scared of their kids getting hurt? I don't know why, but the generation of kids right after I was born seemed to be born into a bubble of overly sensitive parents. By the time I was in eighth grade, all of the playground equipment was plastic. What the fuck? Isn't part of childhood learning about day-to-day hazards and how to avoid them? You don't learn that with plastic. You learn that from sliding down a metal slide in the middle of August.
Many people refer to sites like Youtube as 'Timewaster Sites.' They feel the sites serve one purpose, and that is to divert people's attention from actual work. That is not true. The purpose is to allow us to upload endless videos of cats doing cute things (Keyboard Cat) because they can't do it for themselves. I'm not wasting time, I'm just helping out a fellow being without thumbs.
I've seen the Twilight moms and they scare me. Where has Chris Hanson been during this prolonged episode of "To Catch A Predator?
Why are parents now so scared of their kids getting hurt? I don't know why, but the generation of kids right after I was born seemed to be born into a bubble of overly sensitive parents. By the time I was in eighth grade, all of the playground equipment was plastic. What the fuck? Isn't part of childhood learning about day-to-day hazards and how to avoid them? You don't learn that with plastic. You learn that from sliding down a metal slide in the middle of August.
Ed Hardy is a fashion statement. That statement: "It was a one-night stand, but herpes is for life, bitch."
Miss America is coming up very soon and I'm very excited. Why? I love beauty pageants. Think about it for a moment. If your state elects you as their best representative, and you drop your batons on stage on national television and that was the BEST they had, we're allowed to ridicule your state forever. Sure, North Carolina might be full of hicks too, but South Carolina elected the dumb shit for Miss Teen USA in 2007 who answered a question about the failure of the American educational system by being living proof of that failure (I love South Carolina).
Andrew Gutin
Andrew Gutin
Lighten Up, pt. 1
I know I haven't been keeping up the posts lately, so to make amends I'm going to post some longer pieces in the few days where I just rant for your amusement. Enjoy!
In this world, there are plenty of things to get excited about. War, famine, plague, pestilence and all the other things which make daily news possible are things you should get mad about and do something about. Some people, however, get riled up over stupid things. This a sampling of some things I feel that people take too seriously or get offended by too much. I do not want to paint everybody who has some interest/belief in these causes as the same, but if you've ever gotten preachy about that subject, this is written to you. Brand me as a liberal or conservative if you wish, but I prefer to think I am a member of the Party for Logical Thinking:
Vegetarianism/Veganism for Moral Reasons:
Yeah, I know the suffering of animals is bad. I do. There is one thing stopping me from doing anything though: Animals taste good. If you don't think so, that's fine, but realize that a large portion of the planet gets its protein from some form of animal flesh. I support sustainable farms and other methods for making animals more comfortable in their captivity, but we're not stopping the big corporations this abruptly. That's the kind of thing that doesn't change overnight. It took us 400 years to stop enslaving black people, so I apologize if the fate of other species isn't high up on the list.
I do wish I could stop the farms from killing thousands of animals today, but I won't for multiple reasons. First of all, I know the death of animals is bad for the world, but the loss of those jobs is bad for our economy. Sorry, but I feel much worse for the slaughterhouse worker in Chicago than for the animals he'll kill. Also, that factory farm meat is often quite a bit cheaper than kosher meat or animals raised in more humane environments. I'd rather not have to tell the single mother of four kids living on minimum wage from two jobs that she can't feed her kids because the animals were treated badly.
Some vegetarians will argue that if you care for a dog and wouldn't kill a dog, what makes that different from a chicken or a cow? Well, call it the grooming of civilization. I just view animals in a hierarchy and we just happen to be at the top and yes, that means eating some of the ones lower on the list. Some times, dogs do present logical reasons why they're better than humans, but we feed them so I would like to keep us in the #1 spot. Also, in some parts of the world, no animal is safe. Forget the single, American mother from before. Would you tell a Cambodian family they can't eat a dog? Sure, the dog is valuable, but what if his life meant the death of one of them? Where do your priorities lie? I say the dog can get his revenge in the afterlife if he wants, but I'd rather not have a dead human on my conscience.
Lastly, if you're really going to split hairs about murdering things, I'd say to go fuck yourself because any you eat is some living thing. Honey, a product naturally manufactured by animals, is one of the few exceptions I can see but I'm sure there's even some life in the squeezable bear. Some things are reproductive organs (apples are for seed dispersal, artichokes are flowers) and others are just entire organisms. The only reason you see some sort of superiority between a potato and a puppy is that we can't tell when a tuber is in pain. What if plants feel everything you do? What if the last feeling a carrot has if of being skinned alive then roasted to death? How about the millions of cells you kill when you clap your hands? Should I throw red paint on you for genocide because you liked a joke I made?
I won't stop eating meat for moral reasons. It's just too good and my conscience is not burdened. Oh, and the pictures you show me of animals being tortured? Yeah, that works really well for the pro-life people too. While you hoist that bad boy, I'll be enjoying a T-bone steak in your honor.
Porn:
It's a fucking business. Just shut up, let the people screw and go on with your life. If you don't like what they're doing, just don't watch. Oh, but you say that the fact that they're doing it IS the problem? Well, why? Because everybody needs to exist on your moral standard? Eat a bullet. People do different things for money and those people found out that when they have sex, people find them attractive enough to watch. You don't get offended when women pose for Maxim or FHM, but as soon as they remove the little bit of clothing they have on and add a naked male, it's asking for Satan's wrath. And hey, not to speak from personal experience, but if watching people have sex makes somebody a little less depressed about their romantic situation or brings a couple together through physical intimacy, isn't that worth a little bit of hellfire?
And don't give me the argument that it's gross. Sure, you might not like how the people look, but they're healthier than you in a lot of cases. In mainstream pornography, the actors get tested regularly for STDs, all their partners are screened as well, they're in fantastic physical shape and well, their livelihood depends on their bodies. Most porn stars have shorter careers than NFL players, so they need to be in tip-top shape for what they do. So, you might see it as gross, but nobody is paying to watch you fuck.
Some people say that porn objectifies women and that might be true. However, objectifying women has been around long before porn. Porn is just reapplying a system put in place thousands of years ago by scared men in power. Also, if you're into women in control, there's tons of options for that nowadays. No longer relegated to the world of fetish pornography, some women are in charge of porn empires and men like it that way. Women see things a different way and film as such, and the market is responding positively to this change. Rejoice, women's rights movement because your dreams are coming true. Just understand that a rough sex porno may upset you, but the girl in it is probably having a great time.
A last point, and this one was given to me by a Christian marriage web site. They said that pornography can cause unrealistic expectations about sex. To answer this, I have a simple question. Do you watch Lord of the Rings and expect to see Hobbits in New Zealand? If you do, then you're a fucking idiot. Similarly, if you watch a porn and can't distinguish between what they do and what you're capable of, you're a delusional fool who shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of the dullest of butter knives.
Andrew Gutin
In this world, there are plenty of things to get excited about. War, famine, plague, pestilence and all the other things which make daily news possible are things you should get mad about and do something about. Some people, however, get riled up over stupid things. This a sampling of some things I feel that people take too seriously or get offended by too much. I do not want to paint everybody who has some interest/belief in these causes as the same, but if you've ever gotten preachy about that subject, this is written to you. Brand me as a liberal or conservative if you wish, but I prefer to think I am a member of the Party for Logical Thinking:
Vegetarianism/Veganism for Moral Reasons:
Yeah, I know the suffering of animals is bad. I do. There is one thing stopping me from doing anything though: Animals taste good. If you don't think so, that's fine, but realize that a large portion of the planet gets its protein from some form of animal flesh. I support sustainable farms and other methods for making animals more comfortable in their captivity, but we're not stopping the big corporations this abruptly. That's the kind of thing that doesn't change overnight. It took us 400 years to stop enslaving black people, so I apologize if the fate of other species isn't high up on the list.
I do wish I could stop the farms from killing thousands of animals today, but I won't for multiple reasons. First of all, I know the death of animals is bad for the world, but the loss of those jobs is bad for our economy. Sorry, but I feel much worse for the slaughterhouse worker in Chicago than for the animals he'll kill. Also, that factory farm meat is often quite a bit cheaper than kosher meat or animals raised in more humane environments. I'd rather not have to tell the single mother of four kids living on minimum wage from two jobs that she can't feed her kids because the animals were treated badly.
Some vegetarians will argue that if you care for a dog and wouldn't kill a dog, what makes that different from a chicken or a cow? Well, call it the grooming of civilization. I just view animals in a hierarchy and we just happen to be at the top and yes, that means eating some of the ones lower on the list. Some times, dogs do present logical reasons why they're better than humans, but we feed them so I would like to keep us in the #1 spot. Also, in some parts of the world, no animal is safe. Forget the single, American mother from before. Would you tell a Cambodian family they can't eat a dog? Sure, the dog is valuable, but what if his life meant the death of one of them? Where do your priorities lie? I say the dog can get his revenge in the afterlife if he wants, but I'd rather not have a dead human on my conscience.
Lastly, if you're really going to split hairs about murdering things, I'd say to go fuck yourself because any you eat is some living thing. Honey, a product naturally manufactured by animals, is one of the few exceptions I can see but I'm sure there's even some life in the squeezable bear. Some things are reproductive organs (apples are for seed dispersal, artichokes are flowers) and others are just entire organisms. The only reason you see some sort of superiority between a potato and a puppy is that we can't tell when a tuber is in pain. What if plants feel everything you do? What if the last feeling a carrot has if of being skinned alive then roasted to death? How about the millions of cells you kill when you clap your hands? Should I throw red paint on you for genocide because you liked a joke I made?
I won't stop eating meat for moral reasons. It's just too good and my conscience is not burdened. Oh, and the pictures you show me of animals being tortured? Yeah, that works really well for the pro-life people too. While you hoist that bad boy, I'll be enjoying a T-bone steak in your honor.
Porn:
It's a fucking business. Just shut up, let the people screw and go on with your life. If you don't like what they're doing, just don't watch. Oh, but you say that the fact that they're doing it IS the problem? Well, why? Because everybody needs to exist on your moral standard? Eat a bullet. People do different things for money and those people found out that when they have sex, people find them attractive enough to watch. You don't get offended when women pose for Maxim or FHM, but as soon as they remove the little bit of clothing they have on and add a naked male, it's asking for Satan's wrath. And hey, not to speak from personal experience, but if watching people have sex makes somebody a little less depressed about their romantic situation or brings a couple together through physical intimacy, isn't that worth a little bit of hellfire?
And don't give me the argument that it's gross. Sure, you might not like how the people look, but they're healthier than you in a lot of cases. In mainstream pornography, the actors get tested regularly for STDs, all their partners are screened as well, they're in fantastic physical shape and well, their livelihood depends on their bodies. Most porn stars have shorter careers than NFL players, so they need to be in tip-top shape for what they do. So, you might see it as gross, but nobody is paying to watch you fuck.
Some people say that porn objectifies women and that might be true. However, objectifying women has been around long before porn. Porn is just reapplying a system put in place thousands of years ago by scared men in power. Also, if you're into women in control, there's tons of options for that nowadays. No longer relegated to the world of fetish pornography, some women are in charge of porn empires and men like it that way. Women see things a different way and film as such, and the market is responding positively to this change. Rejoice, women's rights movement because your dreams are coming true. Just understand that a rough sex porno may upset you, but the girl in it is probably having a great time.
A last point, and this one was given to me by a Christian marriage web site. They said that pornography can cause unrealistic expectations about sex. To answer this, I have a simple question. Do you watch Lord of the Rings and expect to see Hobbits in New Zealand? If you do, then you're a fucking idiot. Similarly, if you watch a porn and can't distinguish between what they do and what you're capable of, you're a delusional fool who shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of the dullest of butter knives.
Andrew Gutin
Monday, January 18, 2010
Leap of Faith
Why don't I have faith? Because I think. I do not defer to some higher power for my logic. I do not need that parent standing over my shoulder to go to in moments of weakness or stupidity. I am a logical human being and as such I should be able to come to conclusions that satisfy me that don't rely on "Because I said so" statements.
I do envy those who have faith. No, not because I want it, but I want to know what it's like. I want to be able to rationalize the inequalities and unfairness in the world through some universal method and sadly, I don't have it. I want to see the beauty and wonder of the universe and know what started it all, but I can not. To me, the world is as it is and I just haven't found the reason yet. Faith seems like the shortcut. It's not an answer, but a way out of an answer. And I don't look down on those who take this route. It might honestly be preferable to cop out than to search for these answers, less painful to search for reason.
Why do we take that leap, too? Is it so hard to live in a world without reason? We live day to day with so many things we don't know, so why is that the one that bugs us? I mean, I don't know when I'll die, but I will keep chugging along until I do. I think a lot of people do it for that reason itself, that faith allows them what they perceive as some control over their destiny. They know what the rest of us don't, so they can move on as if nothing is wrong. But that's the thing. NOBODY knows. Nobody who does has come back to tell us and that's the way it is.
On the other hand, why do I pick lack of security over security? Those faith-filled people sleep better because they have a blanket, but it wouldn't keep me warm. It's one of those things where as soon as you think it, you think it for a long time. You have faith and you can believe it or you don't and you cant. Neither of us really knows, so maybe I'm just as bad as they are, but for some reason a leap of faith seems a leap too far for me.
For me, it does come down to my original point. What faithful people perceive as a sense of control I see as deferring to a higher power. You give away your power to something you can't prove to alleviate responsibility. At least when I say I am responsible for me, I know what I am. I can see myself in a mirror, know my limits and unwillingness to exist beneath those limits. I am me. I believe in me. Why? Because I think and really, that's all I have. My reasoning and logic are who I am, and if I gave away even a tiny bit of them because I was scared of the answers I might find, I would feel a traitor to myself. Sure, I won't sleep as well, but I'll be happier in the embrace of my mind.
Andrew Gutin
I do envy those who have faith. No, not because I want it, but I want to know what it's like. I want to be able to rationalize the inequalities and unfairness in the world through some universal method and sadly, I don't have it. I want to see the beauty and wonder of the universe and know what started it all, but I can not. To me, the world is as it is and I just haven't found the reason yet. Faith seems like the shortcut. It's not an answer, but a way out of an answer. And I don't look down on those who take this route. It might honestly be preferable to cop out than to search for these answers, less painful to search for reason.
Why do we take that leap, too? Is it so hard to live in a world without reason? We live day to day with so many things we don't know, so why is that the one that bugs us? I mean, I don't know when I'll die, but I will keep chugging along until I do. I think a lot of people do it for that reason itself, that faith allows them what they perceive as some control over their destiny. They know what the rest of us don't, so they can move on as if nothing is wrong. But that's the thing. NOBODY knows. Nobody who does has come back to tell us and that's the way it is.
On the other hand, why do I pick lack of security over security? Those faith-filled people sleep better because they have a blanket, but it wouldn't keep me warm. It's one of those things where as soon as you think it, you think it for a long time. You have faith and you can believe it or you don't and you cant. Neither of us really knows, so maybe I'm just as bad as they are, but for some reason a leap of faith seems a leap too far for me.
For me, it does come down to my original point. What faithful people perceive as a sense of control I see as deferring to a higher power. You give away your power to something you can't prove to alleviate responsibility. At least when I say I am responsible for me, I know what I am. I can see myself in a mirror, know my limits and unwillingness to exist beneath those limits. I am me. I believe in me. Why? Because I think and really, that's all I have. My reasoning and logic are who I am, and if I gave away even a tiny bit of them because I was scared of the answers I might find, I would feel a traitor to myself. Sure, I won't sleep as well, but I'll be happier in the embrace of my mind.
Andrew Gutin
The One About Jackasses
I'd like to address a certain group of people now, if it pleases the blog audience. This group is responsible for many sins in my mind, but the greatest of these sins is general jackassitude. And I'm not talking about being a jackass in the sense of the TV show. I'm talking about being that dick who just has to act like an ass to ruin somebody's night.
For argument's sake, I'll confine this complaint to those present at a bar, since that is where a lot of this tends to happen. When alcohol is present, it's like the jackasses just come out of the woodwork. If that alcoholic is Jagermeister, even moreso. So, here I go.
Hey team pride person, quit it. I know you think your team is sooooo great, but nobody cares. Unless you were personally on that team, shut the fuck up. And hey, if somebody doesn't like your team, get over it. I'm an Eagles fan and everywhere I go, I meet some jackoff Dallas fan who feels the need to prove he's king swaggercock. If you get that pumped up when you're not a member of that team, you look like a tool. You didn't help them win, so stop saying WE won. THEY won. YOU watched.
What the fuck is up with every tool in the bar wanting to tap my beer to make it foam up? I know it's funny when my beer foams up. Haha! Funny! What are you, five? It's a chemical reaction, dumbass. One which if you live in LA or NYC can cost you ten bucks or more. It takes a real douche to waste money like that. Also, remember this dickwad. The people you make lose their beer don't have a beer any more. Now, they have a weapon. And when I smash mine into your gelled skull, you better pray that shit acts like a helmet or you'll be picking Stella Artois-soaked glass out of your skull when you wake up.
Inevitably, when I go out, I see an attractive girl across the bar. Usually she has a boyfriend and I don't mind this. I figure if I think she's hot, a lot of other guys do too. However, some jealous losers seem to think that eye contact is the same as cheating. T'were this the case, every man in the world has cheated on their wives many, many times. But no, this man seems convinced that if his woman even looks at another man for more than a lingering second, she wants to suck his dick at the bar. Because of this, I've gotten into many near fights from Napoleon Complex-having d-bags. No, bro, I'm not trying to take her. I will say that when you're over here, she is talking to your best friend about fucking him later though. Yes, douche rocket, that's a fact. The more paranoid you are ABOUT her cheating, the more likely she is GOING to cheat because she figures the trust isn't there.
And let's not forget the ladies, because you are most certainly guilty. In every bar, there is one woman who has to bring us all down. Why? Is it her period? Did her boyfriend break up with her? Maybe she's just bitchy. Whatever the reason, this woman will make it her mission to scowl at every man, woman and frat member she sees. If you get in her way, expect a stern elbow to the gut, Tex, because she doesn't have time for your shit. Just get her drunk? No, no, no, we do NOT pour gas onto the blaze. Sure, she might seem better for a bit, dancing by herself to Heart's greatest hits, but that tornado will come back stronger than ever in a few moments. All she needs is to see a prettier girl (which given the usual physical makeup of "The Bitch" won't take too long) or some guy who doesn't look like he's falling in love with her (same amount of time), and we've got Carrie on our hands.
My advice to all these types: Don't go out. Nobody wants you there, as much as your friends say they do. Why do they say that? So they seem good by comparison. Everybody wants to be better than the worst person in their group. For girls, nobody wants to be the ugly girl, and for guys nobody wants to be the douche but somebody has to do it. You fill that role, so get the point.
Oh, and if you've read my list and you don't recognize your friends amongst these types, well, I've got some news. It's you. Work on that.
Andrew Gutin
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