Rage Vol. 2

Yes, folks it's that time again. I just had a friend suggest a topic to me (Thank you, Eliza), so I figured I'd take a whack at it. For those who don't know, I've been unemployed since the middle of last year. When I returned to California from my holiday break, I had to register for unemployment with the state. Well, I'll save the good parts for what comes next. Oh, it's time for... RAGE!!!


Topic: Unemployment Office
Oh dear God, what the fuck is up with these people? I know they give out free money in theory, but if you've been through the ordeal to get that money, you know it ain't free at all. They might as well bend you over, tell you to grab your ankles and thrust in with no lube, because that'd be less painful than their bullshit system now. Some people can do their forms online, but not me. I worked in Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so they had to treat me specially. They said I had to call their direct line to get in contact with them. I shit you not, I called that line over 1,000 times in the next few weeks. Not ONCE did I get through. You'd think that one call out of a thousand might peek through, but noooooooo. I'm pretty those fuckers just put the answering machine on and go to lunch because there is no way, NO WAY that they are always that busy.

So, I finally got so pissed that I e-mailed them. I know, very aggressive of me, but that's the only way to talk to them. You wanna go to their office, but there IS NO OFFICE. Yes, there's an employment office, but no unemployment office, as if they're fooling anybody. The call center isn't in fucking Oz. You just don't want us to know where it is or you'd get firebombed by every disgruntled asshole who had to call 1000 times. But the e-mail wasn't enough for me. No, sir. I called the state office and told them about the problem and I was told they'd help me and then I waited. I waited and waited and waited.

Finally after another week of lost money, somebody called me. Not because of my e-mail, but because of talking to the state. Apparently they have more sway than your average voter. It took them fifteen seconds to tell me what to do and in that fifteen seconds, they told me that I had to do something their website told me expressly not to do. Weeks ago, I could have sent in the paper version of the unemployment application, but to get to that section, you basically need to lie on their website. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking flaw in your system unless you're hoping to tell the good people of the state of California that it's okay to always  lie. You don't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess that's the message you've been sending anyways.

I did the paperwork, I sent it in and it took them another ten days to respond. Now I get mailings saying I have to prove I'm searching for work. I don't have to say I'm searching for work, I have to prove it. I have to say what I applied for, people I talked to, what happened with that. They even want me to register with their jobs website, like that'll help somebody in the entertainment business. There's a lot of entertainment gigs that register with the state office. Oops, sorry. Unless I plan on stripping, entertainment jobs are off of the state's table. Also, you want me to prove a damn thing to you after what you put me through? I think that with all the time and effort I put in on your documents, that even if I  falsified them, you'd have to give me money just for completing it. You want proof? How about every week I just send you a copy of my bank account to show my dwindling funds you inconsiderate fucks. Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have lost about a month's worth of benefits.

Oh, and while we're at it, of all the state offices, yours is the worst. I've had good experiences at the DMV, I've talked to IRS agents who were nice and even the post office occasionally has good days, but I have never had such a profoundly horrible experience as the one with you. I'd soon deliver a flaming porcupine out of the tip of my penis than go through this again unless absolutely necessary. You're like the bad date who runs out on the bill, slashes your tires and rapes your mother. You shame your state, your country and if anybody from the unemployment office is reading this, I'd like my next check along with the severed head of your supervisor.

...and I'm done. Happy 20th post, everybody.

Andrew Gutin.