Leap of Faith

Why don't I have faith? Because I think. I do not defer to some higher power for my logic. I do not need that parent standing over my shoulder to go to in moments of weakness or stupidity. I am a logical human being and as such I should be able to come to conclusions that satisfy me that don't rely on "Because I said so" statements.

I do envy those who have faith. No, not because I want it, but I want to know what it's like. I want to be able to rationalize the inequalities and unfairness in the world through some universal method and sadly, I don't have it. I want to see the beauty and wonder of the universe and know what started it all, but I can not. To me, the world is as it is and I just haven't found the reason yet. Faith seems like the shortcut. It's not an answer, but a way out of an answer. And I don't look down on those who take this route. It might honestly be preferable to cop out than to search for these answers, less painful to search for reason.

Why do we take that leap, too? Is it so hard to live in a world without reason? We live day to day with so many things we don't know, so why is that the one that bugs us? I mean, I don't know when I'll die, but I  will keep chugging along until I do. I think a lot of people do it for that reason itself, that faith allows them what they perceive as some control over their destiny. They know what the rest of us don't, so they can move on as if nothing is wrong. But that's the thing. NOBODY knows. Nobody who does has come back to tell us and that's the way it is.

On the other hand, why do I pick lack of security over security? Those faith-filled people sleep better because they have a blanket, but it wouldn't keep me warm. It's one of those things where as soon as you think it, you think it for a long time. You have faith and you can believe it or you don't and you cant. Neither of us really knows, so maybe I'm just as bad as they are, but for some reason a leap of faith seems a leap too far for me.

For me, it does come down to my original point. What faithful people perceive as a sense of control I see as deferring to a higher power. You give away your power to something you can't prove to alleviate responsibility. At least when I say I am responsible for me, I know what I am. I can see myself in a mirror, know my limits and unwillingness to exist beneath those limits. I am me. I believe in me. Why? Because I think and really, that's all I have. My reasoning and logic are who I am, and if I gave away even a tiny bit of them because I was scared of the answers I might find, I would feel a traitor to myself. Sure, I won't sleep as well, but I'll be happier in the embrace of my mind.

Andrew Gutin