An apple keeps the doctor away. - I feel that the person who wrote this died by subsisting entirely on apples when he started to cough up blood. Sure, apples are nice, but they don't replace chemotherapy.
There is no use crying over spilt milk. - Spilt blood is another thing entirely.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. - I'm sorry then, but what's the point of having the cake?
A watched pot never boils. - Fire helps. Burn your eyes out so you stop looking or set it under the pot, then watch away.
Never judge a book by its cover. - Yeah, because if it has a midget fisting a twelve year old Vietnamese prostitute's asshole on the cover, it could be Wuthering Heights.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - My slogan of choice for AA.
Why pay the cows when you can get the milk for free? - Again, the person who wrote this probably died due to his own advice, sucking on a cow's udders in some random farmer's barn.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. - And if you believe this, you're probably a shitty friend.
Cut off your nose to spite your face. - Van Gogh went with an ear and we all know his name, so maybe there's something to this face-spite.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Perhaps what ails the U.S. economy could be solved by a quick nap.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. - Just like when what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas, I'm not bailing you out when you try this one.
Beauty is only skin deep. - You ever notice how people who say this are always really pretty or really ugly? If you've ever had to pay for a drink at a bar, guess which one you are?
The grass is always greener on the other side. - Unless you live next to a prison.
Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. - Fool me three times, check if I've had a stroke.
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. - There is, however, no accounting for rowdy neighborhood kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. - Yet again, this brilliant author was probably murdered when he brought his enemies on a vacation. His friends were distraught, but they recalled he was only friendly when he was in need, so they got over it.
There is more than one way to skin a cat. - My slogan of choice for the ASPCA.
Don't count your chickens until they are hatched. - However, should you like a frittata, we have what we need.
Where there's a will, there's a way. - Where there's a will, there's a 25 year old woman willing to fuck a geriatric to bank his estate.
Andrew Gutin
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