Lighten Up, pt. 1

I know I haven't been keeping up the posts lately, so to make amends I'm going to post some longer pieces in the few days where I just rant for your amusement. Enjoy!

In this world, there are plenty of things to get excited about. War, famine, plague, pestilence and all the other things which make daily news possible are things you should get mad about and do something about. Some people, however, get riled up over stupid things. This a sampling of some things I feel that people take too seriously or get offended by too much. I do not want to paint everybody who has some interest/belief in these causes as the same, but if you've ever gotten preachy about that subject, this is written to you. Brand me as a liberal or conservative if you wish, but I prefer to think I am a member of the Party for Logical Thinking:

Vegetarianism/Veganism for Moral Reasons:
Yeah, I know the suffering of animals is bad. I do. There is one thing stopping me from doing anything though: Animals taste good. If you don't think so, that's fine, but realize that a large portion of the planet gets its protein from some form of animal flesh. I support sustainable farms and other methods for making animals more comfortable in their captivity, but we're not stopping the big corporations this abruptly. That's the kind of thing that doesn't change overnight. It took us 400 years to stop enslaving black people, so I apologize if the fate of other species isn't high up on the list.

I do wish I could stop the farms from killing thousands of animals today, but I won't for multiple reasons. First of all, I know the death of animals is bad for the world, but the loss of those jobs is bad for our economy. Sorry, but I feel much worse for the slaughterhouse worker in Chicago than for the animals he'll kill. Also, that factory farm meat is often quite a bit cheaper than kosher meat or animals raised in more humane environments. I'd rather not have to tell the single mother of four kids living on minimum wage from two jobs that she can't feed her kids because the animals were treated badly.

Some vegetarians will argue that if you care for a dog and wouldn't kill a dog, what makes that different from a chicken or a cow? Well, call it the grooming of civilization. I just view animals in a hierarchy and we just happen to be at the top and yes, that means eating some of the ones lower on the list. Some times, dogs do present logical reasons why they're better than humans, but we feed them so I would like to keep us in the #1 spot. Also, in some parts of the world, no animal is safe. Forget the single, American mother from before. Would you tell a Cambodian family they can't eat a dog? Sure, the dog is valuable, but what if his life meant the death of one of them? Where do your priorities lie? I say the dog can get his revenge in the afterlife if he wants, but I'd rather not have a dead human on my conscience.

Lastly, if you're really going to split hairs about murdering things, I'd say to go fuck yourself because any you eat is some living thing. Honey, a product naturally manufactured by animals, is one of the few exceptions I can see but I'm sure there's even some life in the squeezable bear. Some things are reproductive organs (apples are for seed dispersal, artichokes are flowers) and others are just entire organisms. The only reason you see some sort of superiority between a potato and a puppy is that we can't tell when a tuber is in pain. What if plants feel everything you do? What if the last feeling a carrot has if of being skinned alive then roasted to death? How about the millions of cells you kill when you clap your hands? Should I throw red paint on you for genocide because you liked a joke I made?

I won't stop eating meat for moral reasons. It's just too good and my conscience is not burdened. Oh, and the pictures you show me of animals being tortured? Yeah, that works really well for the pro-life people too. While you hoist that bad boy, I'll be enjoying a T-bone steak in your honor.

Porn:
It's a fucking business. Just shut up, let the people screw and go on with your life. If you don't like what they're doing, just don't watch. Oh, but you say that the fact that they're doing it IS the problem? Well, why? Because everybody needs to exist on your moral standard? Eat a bullet. People do different things for money and those people found out that when they have sex, people find them attractive enough to watch. You don't get offended when women pose for Maxim or FHM, but as soon as they remove the little bit of clothing they have on and add a naked male, it's asking for Satan's wrath. And hey, not to speak from personal experience, but if watching people have sex makes somebody a little less depressed about their romantic situation or brings a couple together through physical intimacy, isn't that worth a little bit of hellfire?

And don't give me the argument that it's gross. Sure, you might not like how the people look, but they're healthier than you in a lot of cases. In mainstream pornography, the actors get tested regularly for STDs, all their partners are screened as well, they're in fantastic physical shape and well, their livelihood depends on their bodies. Most porn stars have shorter careers than NFL players, so they need to be in tip-top shape for what they do. So, you might see it as gross, but nobody is paying to watch you fuck.

Some people say that porn objectifies women and that might be true. However, objectifying women has been around long before porn. Porn is just reapplying a system put in place thousands of years ago by scared men in power. Also, if you're into women in control, there's tons of options for that nowadays. No longer relegated to the world of fetish pornography, some women are in charge of porn empires and men like it that way. Women see things a different way and film as such, and the market is responding positively to this change. Rejoice, women's rights movement because your dreams are coming true. Just understand that a rough sex porno may upset you, but the girl in it is probably having a great time.

A last point, and this one was given to me by a Christian marriage web site. They said that pornography can cause unrealistic expectations about sex. To answer this, I have a simple question. Do you watch Lord of the Rings and expect to see Hobbits in New Zealand? If you do, then you're a fucking idiot. Similarly, if you watch a porn and can't distinguish between what they do and what you're capable of, you're a delusional fool who shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of the dullest of butter knives.

Andrew Gutin