For argument's sake, I'll confine this complaint to those present at a bar, since that is where a lot of this tends to happen. When alcohol is present, it's like the jackasses just come out of the woodwork. If that alcoholic is Jagermeister, even moreso. So, here I go.
Hey team pride person, quit it. I know you think your team is sooooo great, but nobody cares. Unless you were personally on that team, shut the fuck up. And hey, if somebody doesn't like your team, get over it. I'm an Eagles fan and everywhere I go, I meet some jackoff Dallas fan who feels the need to prove he's king swaggercock. If you get that pumped up when you're not a member of that team, you look like a tool. You didn't help them win, so stop saying WE won. THEY won. YOU watched.
What the fuck is up with every tool in the bar wanting to tap my beer to make it foam up? I know it's funny when my beer foams up. Haha! Funny! What are you, five? It's a chemical reaction, dumbass. One which if you live in LA or NYC can cost you ten bucks or more. It takes a real douche to waste money like that. Also, remember this dickwad. The people you make lose their beer don't have a beer any more. Now, they have a weapon. And when I smash mine into your gelled skull, you better pray that shit acts like a helmet or you'll be picking Stella Artois-soaked glass out of your skull when you wake up.
Inevitably, when I go out, I see an attractive girl across the bar. Usually she has a boyfriend and I don't mind this. I figure if I think she's hot, a lot of other guys do too. However, some jealous losers seem to think that eye contact is the same as cheating. T'were this the case, every man in the world has cheated on their wives many, many times. But no, this man seems convinced that if his woman even looks at another man for more than a lingering second, she wants to suck his dick at the bar. Because of this, I've gotten into many near fights from Napoleon Complex-having d-bags. No, bro, I'm not trying to take her. I will say that when you're over here, she is talking to your best friend about fucking him later though. Yes, douche rocket, that's a fact. The more paranoid you are ABOUT her cheating, the more likely she is GOING to cheat because she figures the trust isn't there.
And let's not forget the ladies, because you are most certainly guilty. In every bar, there is one woman who has to bring us all down. Why? Is it her period? Did her boyfriend break up with her? Maybe she's just bitchy. Whatever the reason, this woman will make it her mission to scowl at every man, woman and frat member she sees. If you get in her way, expect a stern elbow to the gut, Tex, because she doesn't have time for your shit. Just get her drunk? No, no, no, we do NOT pour gas onto the blaze. Sure, she might seem better for a bit, dancing by herself to Heart's greatest hits, but that tornado will come back stronger than ever in a few moments. All she needs is to see a prettier girl (which given the usual physical makeup of "The Bitch" won't take too long) or some guy who doesn't look like he's falling in love with her (same amount of time), and we've got Carrie on our hands.
My advice to all these types: Don't go out. Nobody wants you there, as much as your friends say they do. Why do they say that? So they seem good by comparison. Everybody wants to be better than the worst person in their group. For girls, nobody wants to be the ugly girl, and for guys nobody wants to be the douche but somebody has to do it. You fill that role, so get the point.
Oh, and if you've read my list and you don't recognize your friends amongst these types, well, I've got some news. It's you. Work on that.
Andrew Gutin
No comments:
Post a Comment