How do you party? Big or small? Loud and raucous or quiet and intimate? People in my generation think that they party a certain way, but it's not a representation of how they really are. It's just the booze/drugs/music/etc. doing the thinking. WRONG. How you party says a lot about you as a person. If you go to the following parties, chances are you give off the following vibe:
Rave: I love shitty house music or taking copious amounts of psychoactive drugs.
Foam Party: I'm a voyeur, but I'd love not to get caught fucking you on the dance floor three feet away from my friends.
Karaoke: I sing terribly and will mask this with alcohol, further exacerbating the first problem.
Gaming Party: I prefer Nintendo Wii over sexual contact.
Dinner Party: I like to pretend I'm classy before I get smashed on Franzia.
Beer Pong Tournament: I make bad decisions under the guise of competition.
Root Beer Pong Tournament: I'm an RA or I suck out loud... wait, the second part will suffice.
Kegger: I'm going to end the night fucking, punching or pissing on something or crying in a corner eating away my sad feelings in a pit of deep-fried depression.
Da Club: I do NOT act like some slut in a dive bar. I only give it up to guys who get bottle service.
Costume Party: No, you're not that hot, but I've always wanted to fuck a caveman/sexy nun.
Andrew Gutin
Saturday, January 16, 2010
5 Things Which You Might Like
Simple idea: Here is a list of five things you might like which make me want to drive a claw hammer into my skull repeatedly.
2. Dan Brown - I did read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I didn't mind it. Then again, I took a huge shit this morning and enjoyed that a great deal more. The man writes throwaway books for people who want to seem smart. You know, the douche-box who uses words which are just a little too big for them just so he can show that he knows them. Calling what he does 'Literature' is basically like pissing on William Faulkner because you've linked the two in some manner. The characters have no depth, the plot holes are so big you could fit a universe in between, the narration tells everything and, were it not for the next person on my countdown, Dan would be #1 on my awful writer's list.
3. Stephenie Meyer - I will never hit a woman. I've said that and I believe it, but god damn this woman is making it really hard to follow that rule. I apologize to all the Twi-fucks out there, but seriously? I read part of one of the books and my brain had to send electrical impulses to my limbs to remind them that I was still alive. In a two page section where the word "Beautiful" came up about ten times, I briefly considered finding Ms. (I pray to all the holy deities that nobody was stupid enough to marry this chick) Meyer and giving her a concussion with a thesaurus, but decided against it. In the wake of her films, I figure at least a few of her fans will kill each other and raise the general IQ of the world's population.
4. Nickelback - There is only one band that can record the same album 18 times and still be good, and that is AC/DC. You know why? Because when AC/DC goes on stage, you're scared of them. They're four foot tall Australian dudes, but you know they could kick your ass. Nickelback looks like the kind of band that would get raped at night on Sesame Street. Add to that the fact that they sound like a mixture of a person getting belted in the testicles and a cat dying and you've got the makings of a band even Satan wouldn't endorse. I'm pretty sure if they put out another album, they will be charged with crimes against humanity.
5. Michael Bay - All hail the Cinema Omega! If there is a person who will kill film, it is Michael Bay. I'm not saying he has the potential to be that bad because we know that. I'm saying if it's ever going to happen, he will do it. He will send film into a death roll of explosions and bare midriffs from which it can't escape. Some people reading this now are going, "Well, what's wrong with explosions and naked chicks?" and I hope you all choke to death on your own stupidity. I pray that the ghosts of Kurosawa, Godard, Chaplin and Kubrick go to Michael Bay's house and just kick the shit out of him. In fact, they're ghosts, so maybe they could kick the terrible ideas out of his head. Wait, that probably is all he has in there... KICK HARDER CHARLIE!!! The world would thank them.
Andrew Gutin
Make Fun
Okay, my friends, here is a public service announcement I've wanted to make for months. I'm sick and tired of people who have clue how to properly insult one another. As a kid, I remember this was common, but I figured as I grew older the insults would develop. I was sad to find out that as I grew up, the insults only grew more childish. Instead of crippling a person at their core, these insults were the kind of stab that wouldn't make a lasting mark in Play-Doh. Please allow me to instruct you in the finer arts of insult humor.
The first piece of business to attend to is your target. A lot of times, the better insults are not warranted. You can just stick to some standard ones, but that doesn't mean you need to be boring. Sure, douchebag is good, but vary is up. Douche-nozzle, meaning you are not even good enough to be a douche, but rather you are the nozzle through which douche passes, is a great change-up. In some cases too, you can use the fact that somebody isn't worthy of a good insult as an insult in and of itself. Remind the person that they are of such little significance in your life that insulting them would be a waste of manpower. However, for the more stubborn cockroaches in your life, the following guidelines might help.
Be gross. If you are at all squeamish when thinking up gross insults, grow the fuck up. I know it's scary to confront things like dead bodies or horrible sex acts in person, but in your head it should all be fair game. Preferably, your mind should look like a murder scene from CSI. Trust me, the more grotesque, the better. Incest, blood, gore, feces, sexual diseases and all available orifices are not only recommended, but necessary to bring somebody down to the level at which they belong. If it's so fucked up that you need a cold shower after you insult the person, you're about where you need to be. Preferably, the gross insult should be something so evil, so heinously wrong that even if the other person has a great comeback, they're too repulsed to get it out. I'd put some ideas here, but I want to sleep tonight so I'll let you decide what direction to take this. Hint: Hell and lower levels.
Make it personal. I know the "your mother" joke is still pretty common, but you can take it up a notch, people. Don't just say you fucked somebody's mother, because that's pretty weak. Good comedy comes from the joke that's harder to think up. You wanna hurt him? Describe it. Go into excruciating details. If you know the guy at all, use some of that. Is he from the deep south? Make a crack about you fucking her, but you're pretty sure he knows what that's like already. Is he a comic book nerd? Tell him that you loved the V for Vendetta poster on his bedroom wall, because it gave you something to pay attention to during the sad excuse for a blowjob his mom gave you. The closer you are, the more it hurts.
Insult something that they're proud of. I know, it sounds counterintuitive. Usually, you'd want to go for the thing they're least confident about because it's a sore spot, but believe me on this. The more confident somebody is about something, the more it hurts to get hit there. A very attractive woman once made fun of one of my friends for being a nerd, and somehow she ended up crying. Why? Because he KNOWS he's a nerd and he's been told it before. She, on the other hand, had never been told that her face bore a strong resemblance to Sylvester Stallone's cleft buttcheeks. True, an harsh hit, but she did fire the first volley, so it was a fair retaliation.
A word about timeliness. I know it can be tough to think up this stuff on the spot, but you need to do it for maximum impact. If it's over the line, so be it, but it might also be great and you just need to let it rip to find out. The longer you wait to get out the insult, the lamer it will sound. Give a slight pause between when the person makes an offensive comment and when you retaliate, but no longer than a few seconds or you'll face the dreaded insult gap. Pass that and still attempt an insult, and you're the stupid guy. If you need to work on this, keep some quick insults at the ready until this becomes second-nature. Or, barring that, stare the asshole down like you're going to knife him. It's not effective as a direct shot at his miniscule privates, but it does make him debate his next assault.
Last rule, and this is important: No fear, no regrets and no remorse. If you're going to do this, do it full on or it won't work. Half of the time, the reasons insults suck is because the insulter half-asses it and lets the intensity waver. By the time you're done spraying your vitriolic burst at your opponent, they should feel awful. They should feel like if they tried to commit suicide, Clarence the angel would let them do it. Let the bastards have it. If a person warrants some of the evil shit which I've mentioned above, game on. Now, go out there and make me proud.
Andrew Gutin
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Facebook Warning
I've been a member of the social networking site Facebook for over four years now. It is a great way to keep in touch with friends, family and those hot chicks who you still stalk from high school. Unfortunately, as with all good things, the site has some bad facets as well. Some people have had material they've posted on the site used against them in courts of law. Others have had it used against them by their employer or significant other. Some people just post dumb shit, and I'd like to end all of that. So, here are some ideas for the typical Facebook addict.
- Unless your status is funny or cool, nobody wants to hear what you're doing. You beat David Lee Roth in arm wrestling and won his hair piece? Post that shit. For the average person though, I'm sure you think it's fascinating that you're "drrrriinkiiinnnnnnnn," but the rest of us want to drive a tent spike through your head, you uneducated, alcoholic waste of space. If this is your typical status, your life is of very minute importance to everybody except the rapist who's going to use that information. On that note, have fun out on the town.
- When you post photos, you want to steer clear of anything which could attract police attention. I might just be a Cautious Cathy over here, but the picture with you holding a gun to a picture of your physics professor might get you some heat.
- Ladies, don't post yourself as being in a relationship with another woman if you aren't gay. I know, some of you don't want guys hitting on you, but here's a bit of information: GUYS LIKE LESBIANS. Your logic that saying you're in a relationship with a girl will stop guys makes as much sense as smearing honey on your body to stop a hungry bear.
- If you list, "Blazin' an fitin da man" (Actual Facebook Profile Information) as your hobbies, keep in mind that there are employers (da man) who might not be so hospitable to you. Now that you know, you can stop bitching about how you're unemployed in your horrendously misspelled status.
- Five words: Stop the kissy-face photos.
- Never post song lyrics as your status. To somebody, those words meant a lot, and they were in fact the artist who wrote that song. I bet you think you feel the same way, but you're the online equivalent of that drunk slut who thinks that every song is "her song." You want to quote a song? Write your own.
- If you flood my news feed with any stupid quizzes or games, I'm deleting you as a friend. I think I'd rather hear that you're doing shooting heroin into your balls than see that your Farmville farm has produced a bumper crop of corn.
Andrew Gutin
- Unless your status is funny or cool, nobody wants to hear what you're doing. You beat David Lee Roth in arm wrestling and won his hair piece? Post that shit. For the average person though, I'm sure you think it's fascinating that you're "drrrriinkiiinnnnnnnn," but the rest of us want to drive a tent spike through your head, you uneducated, alcoholic waste of space. If this is your typical status, your life is of very minute importance to everybody except the rapist who's going to use that information. On that note, have fun out on the town.
- When you post photos, you want to steer clear of anything which could attract police attention. I might just be a Cautious Cathy over here, but the picture with you holding a gun to a picture of your physics professor might get you some heat.
- Ladies, don't post yourself as being in a relationship with another woman if you aren't gay. I know, some of you don't want guys hitting on you, but here's a bit of information: GUYS LIKE LESBIANS. Your logic that saying you're in a relationship with a girl will stop guys makes as much sense as smearing honey on your body to stop a hungry bear.
- If you list, "Blazin' an fitin da man" (Actual Facebook Profile Information) as your hobbies, keep in mind that there are employers (da man) who might not be so hospitable to you. Now that you know, you can stop bitching about how you're unemployed in your horrendously misspelled status.
- Five words: Stop the kissy-face photos.
- Never post song lyrics as your status. To somebody, those words meant a lot, and they were in fact the artist who wrote that song. I bet you think you feel the same way, but you're the online equivalent of that drunk slut who thinks that every song is "her song." You want to quote a song? Write your own.
- If you flood my news feed with any stupid quizzes or games, I'm deleting you as a friend. I think I'd rather hear that you're doing shooting heroin into your balls than see that your Farmville farm has produced a bumper crop of corn.
Andrew Gutin
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
On Lying
We all lie. It is a necessary part of every day life at this point, though most of us would prefer not to admit it. Even the best of us are forced to bend the truth under some circumstances. Some of us, however, have turned it into an art form. There are even entire industries where creative fact-telling is an important facet of their business. Lest we forget the tobacco industry's assertion that there was no direct link between smoking and cancer... these are the Greek gods of competitive bullshit.
On CNN and the other pundit-based news networks, the talking heads they employ are also in the rarefied stratosphere of great liars. The news anchors themselves are forced to lie on occasion, but the commentators and 'experts' are BS professionals. I'm not even sure some of them would know what the truth is at this point in their careers. Eventually, you begin to live the lie and there is no going back. Anne Coulter wears the lie like a protective jacket over her mannish, skeletal frame.
And then we come to the marathon runners of lying: Politicians. Seriously, I lie some times to save my ass, but I couldn't do it at the volume they do. I'm an amateur next to these MLB (Major League Bullshit... yeah, I went there) players. Just to get by in a day without pissing off your constituents requires the linguistic maneuvering of a contortionist.
I applaud them, but at the same time I know their tricks. You see, with the movement of news from sporadic bursts of events to constant information, we're privileged to see these men and women at all times. As such, we can find their tells. Yes, just like poker players, politicians have tells which let us know when they're giving us a big ol' wad of misinformation.
President George W. Bush was known for having great verbal flubs during his press conferences, but he was also known for making plenty of odd faces. Notably, whenever he pronounced something right, he'd often give the camera a nice shit-eating grin to proclaim his happiness. Sure, Iran hates us, but he finally got Ahmadinejad right.
That is what he'd want you to think, but that Texan hid a lot more in that grin than just some phonetic pride. No, when he smiled, that was his tell. He'd make sure to put a complex name right next to the lie so we thought he was taking credit for the pronunciation, but he was just about to laugh because we were actually believing the lie. We all have this friend. The guy who can't lie to save his life, because whenever he does, he cracks up laughing. The "You bought that?" school of lying. The laugh is like a natural defense against telling a lie, but ol' George found a way around it. Then again, given his mental abilities, I'd say this has Rove and Cheney written all over it.
Barack Obama, the great man of change, lies as well. His tell is very cleverly concealed and it took me some time to find it, but I got him. When Obama talks, he seldom looks right into a camera. He looks from side to side, which gives a lot of emphasis to what he is saying, because it feels like he's addressing different parts of the audience at difference times. But therein lies the capacity to lie, too. By not looking at us straight on, he could lie and we would be none the wiser. We all have this friend, too. The guy who can't hold your gaze when he lies. He's a clever bastard too, because he'll make it seem like he's doing something which requires his attention other than you, but we all know better. It doesn't take your full attention to open and close a cell phone while you tell me about the "drunks" who smashed up my car last night when you had it.
Lastly, we have the general politician lying moves. I get very suspicious whenever I hear a lot of endearing terms in a political speech, like "My friends" or "My fellow Americans." This friend is especially insidious because he gets really chummy when he's about to lie to you or ask for something, but you're so flattered you don't see it. By making us equals, politicians make us more likely to listen to what they say. We're not beneath them, we're fellow Americans. It's almost like we're related when we say that. Next thing you know, you're helping that friend move or supporting a politician's tax hike and you don't even know when you got suckered in.
Watch out for the liars, friends. They're all over and well, I'd hate for you to get fucked by somebody who just knew how to push your buttons. It's not fair and they shouldn't do it, but they do, so we can fight. Be skeptical, be cynical and make sure to read between the lines when stuff gets said. Just because it comes out of the mouth of a powerful or popular person doesn't make it true. I'm pretty sure that's how a bunch of people ended up drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown.
And me? Am I trustworthy or just a paranoid citizen? Like I said, we all lie. It's unavoidable and not necessarily evil. Would you lie to save a friend? Your parents? Yourself? As far as me, you just have to decide whether my lies make me more honest than others, because everything is relative. I know, it's a lovely picture I paint of the world. At least now you're seeing it as it is.
Andrew Gutin
On CNN and the other pundit-based news networks, the talking heads they employ are also in the rarefied stratosphere of great liars. The news anchors themselves are forced to lie on occasion, but the commentators and 'experts' are BS professionals. I'm not even sure some of them would know what the truth is at this point in their careers. Eventually, you begin to live the lie and there is no going back. Anne Coulter wears the lie like a protective jacket over her mannish, skeletal frame.
And then we come to the marathon runners of lying: Politicians. Seriously, I lie some times to save my ass, but I couldn't do it at the volume they do. I'm an amateur next to these MLB (Major League Bullshit... yeah, I went there) players. Just to get by in a day without pissing off your constituents requires the linguistic maneuvering of a contortionist.
I applaud them, but at the same time I know their tricks. You see, with the movement of news from sporadic bursts of events to constant information, we're privileged to see these men and women at all times. As such, we can find their tells. Yes, just like poker players, politicians have tells which let us know when they're giving us a big ol' wad of misinformation.
President George W. Bush was known for having great verbal flubs during his press conferences, but he was also known for making plenty of odd faces. Notably, whenever he pronounced something right, he'd often give the camera a nice shit-eating grin to proclaim his happiness. Sure, Iran hates us, but he finally got Ahmadinejad right.
That is what he'd want you to think, but that Texan hid a lot more in that grin than just some phonetic pride. No, when he smiled, that was his tell. He'd make sure to put a complex name right next to the lie so we thought he was taking credit for the pronunciation, but he was just about to laugh because we were actually believing the lie. We all have this friend. The guy who can't lie to save his life, because whenever he does, he cracks up laughing. The "You bought that?" school of lying. The laugh is like a natural defense against telling a lie, but ol' George found a way around it. Then again, given his mental abilities, I'd say this has Rove and Cheney written all over it.
Barack Obama, the great man of change, lies as well. His tell is very cleverly concealed and it took me some time to find it, but I got him. When Obama talks, he seldom looks right into a camera. He looks from side to side, which gives a lot of emphasis to what he is saying, because it feels like he's addressing different parts of the audience at difference times. But therein lies the capacity to lie, too. By not looking at us straight on, he could lie and we would be none the wiser. We all have this friend, too. The guy who can't hold your gaze when he lies. He's a clever bastard too, because he'll make it seem like he's doing something which requires his attention other than you, but we all know better. It doesn't take your full attention to open and close a cell phone while you tell me about the "drunks" who smashed up my car last night when you had it.
Lastly, we have the general politician lying moves. I get very suspicious whenever I hear a lot of endearing terms in a political speech, like "My friends" or "My fellow Americans." This friend is especially insidious because he gets really chummy when he's about to lie to you or ask for something, but you're so flattered you don't see it. By making us equals, politicians make us more likely to listen to what they say. We're not beneath them, we're fellow Americans. It's almost like we're related when we say that. Next thing you know, you're helping that friend move or supporting a politician's tax hike and you don't even know when you got suckered in.
Watch out for the liars, friends. They're all over and well, I'd hate for you to get fucked by somebody who just knew how to push your buttons. It's not fair and they shouldn't do it, but they do, so we can fight. Be skeptical, be cynical and make sure to read between the lines when stuff gets said. Just because it comes out of the mouth of a powerful or popular person doesn't make it true. I'm pretty sure that's how a bunch of people ended up drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown.
And me? Am I trustworthy or just a paranoid citizen? Like I said, we all lie. It's unavoidable and not necessarily evil. Would you lie to save a friend? Your parents? Yourself? As far as me, you just have to decide whether my lies make me more honest than others, because everything is relative. I know, it's a lovely picture I paint of the world. At least now you're seeing it as it is.
Andrew Gutin
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thoughts Which Occur To Me
These are just some thoughts/jokes. Most of them probably suck, but hey it's worth it to get my mind working. Enjoy... or not. I just needed to write:
Jesus probably had a lot of alcoholics in his entourage because of that trick he pulled with the water.
They've made a lot of childhood toys into films. Transformers was huge, G.I. Joe made bank and I've heard Battleship is coming. All I want is for Tim Burton to sign on to do a Trolls movie.
I once went on a date with a girl who, when I informed her that I was Jewish, asked if I spoke 'That Gibberish Language.' I don't even need a punchline after that.
If I tell you that your idea is stupid, don't take it the wrong way. Your idea wasn't necessarily bad. Perhaps you're an idiot and I just never noticed until now.
I saw a girl sitting by the pool tanning at my building. I went over and stared at her for a moment, but was unsure what to say, so I just stood and gawked. She finally looked at me and said "You wanna take a picture?" while giving me this really nasty look. I snapped back into reality and said, "No, I like mine more medium well. I'll be back in ten minutes," and walked away.
I'm pretty sure Wile E. Coyote would have starved to death by now.
Women love to watch "The Notebook" because it's passionate, romantic and sexy. Men love to watch it because whenever Ryan Gosling does something good on screen, WE get points. Ryan Gosling... my DVD wingman.
Eating disorders are scary. Obesity kills many due to diabetes and heart disease. Bulimics die due to malnutrition and the effects of their vomiting. Anorexics often get blown off cliffs in a strong breeze.
Cooking is a great way to express creativity. I say that because any other hobby involving knives, fire and dead animals tends to be frowned upon.
Blacking out is God's version of censorship when you're about to do something that stupid.
DJs take other people's music, cut the songs up and put them together as their own material. In academia, they call that plagiarism.
Scientists say that humans are one of the only species that has sex face to face. The thing is they say that like it's a good thing.
A friend of mine thought sushi was too expensive, so he decided to go fishing and eat what he caught when it was raw. In retrospect, sushi is much cheaper than diarrhea.
During the olympics, I want to let hungry sharks loose in the pools. Motivation is key and well... that'll teach you to lose so much time on the breaststroke.
The Sioux people are known for beating back the Americans at the battle of Little Bighorn. Apaches are known for being warriors the likes of which the world hasn't seen since. The Mohawk nation is known for a hairstyle. Fame is a strange thing.
Jesus probably had a lot of alcoholics in his entourage because of that trick he pulled with the water.
They've made a lot of childhood toys into films. Transformers was huge, G.I. Joe made bank and I've heard Battleship is coming. All I want is for Tim Burton to sign on to do a Trolls movie.
I once went on a date with a girl who, when I informed her that I was Jewish, asked if I spoke 'That Gibberish Language.' I don't even need a punchline after that.
If I tell you that your idea is stupid, don't take it the wrong way. Your idea wasn't necessarily bad. Perhaps you're an idiot and I just never noticed until now.
I saw a girl sitting by the pool tanning at my building. I went over and stared at her for a moment, but was unsure what to say, so I just stood and gawked. She finally looked at me and said "You wanna take a picture?" while giving me this really nasty look. I snapped back into reality and said, "No, I like mine more medium well. I'll be back in ten minutes," and walked away.
I'm pretty sure Wile E. Coyote would have starved to death by now.
Women love to watch "The Notebook" because it's passionate, romantic and sexy. Men love to watch it because whenever Ryan Gosling does something good on screen, WE get points. Ryan Gosling... my DVD wingman.
Eating disorders are scary. Obesity kills many due to diabetes and heart disease. Bulimics die due to malnutrition and the effects of their vomiting. Anorexics often get blown off cliffs in a strong breeze.
Cooking is a great way to express creativity. I say that because any other hobby involving knives, fire and dead animals tends to be frowned upon.
Blacking out is God's version of censorship when you're about to do something that stupid.
DJs take other people's music, cut the songs up and put them together as their own material. In academia, they call that plagiarism.
Scientists say that humans are one of the only species that has sex face to face. The thing is they say that like it's a good thing.
A friend of mine thought sushi was too expensive, so he decided to go fishing and eat what he caught when it was raw. In retrospect, sushi is much cheaper than diarrhea.
During the olympics, I want to let hungry sharks loose in the pools. Motivation is key and well... that'll teach you to lose so much time on the breaststroke.
The Sioux people are known for beating back the Americans at the battle of Little Bighorn. Apaches are known for being warriors the likes of which the world hasn't seen since. The Mohawk nation is known for a hairstyle. Fame is a strange thing.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Rage Vol. 1
About a year or so ago, my friend Gautam and I thought up a game. This game is called "Rage." There is no point to this game other than to vent and there are no losers other than those we vent about. The rules are simple. One player gives another a topic and that person rants about that subject off the top of their head for as long as possible without breaking to think.
What qualifies as a topic? ANYTHING. People, places, ideas, slang terminology, whatever. Everything from the Catholic Church to Bret Michael's bandanas is fair game. If you think a person can get some good material out about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, let them have it.
What are you ranting about? Anything about that topic that pisses you off. Angelina Jolie... her freakish lips. Liechtenstein... the fact that it's so hard to spell. If you don't know anything about the topic, you can even rant about how obscure it is. Do whatever you can and let everything loose. The point of the game is to let out your anger in a ridiculous way, so swing for the fences.
Since I don't know how to set up an audio file on this site, I'll just write it out. Since I have no partner and I want to illustrate what this game is about, I'm going to pick a topic and start to rant as long as possible before I run out of steam. Okay? I'm ready.
Now... it's time for... RAGE!!!
Topic: Abstract Music.
What the fuck is that sound? Music? No, music sounds good. That sounds like a horse who's getting jacked off as somebody saws its head off. I don't care what some of these snobby ass hats tell me about their 'art.' I know music. I sang for 8 years and I've been a supporter of good music most of my life, but ten minutes of you screaming along to a voice recording of a person translating the Gettysburg Address into Spanish isn't music.
I had the absolute misfortune of going to an abstract music concert once. Music on the edge they called it. I didn't get the name until I saw the show. After ten minutes, I was on the edge of standing up, charging the stage and beating the cellist with his bow. Not that he was using it to make music anyways, so I might as well give it a try.
I thought all music had to have something in common with the rest of the music. TO SOUND GOOD. From the worst country song to the heaviest death metal ballad, they all sound good to somebody. If abstract sounds good to you, get yourself checked because you might have brain damage. It's an affront to all that I find good about music to call some guy hitting random notes off beat music. Music has passion. Music has soul. All that abstract has is the ability to induce diarrhea.
You might say I just don't "get it." I'm not hip and the music is beyond me. What they're trying to do is somehow above me. Well... no. There's plenty of stuff that's above me. Beethoven's Fifth is beautiful, and I don't even pretend to fully grasp why it's so good, but it is. Jackoff #2's Bowel Movements While Playing Broken Guitar is not. If I got what that meant, I'd probably pray for sweet death. To "get it" means to have my head so far up my own ass, I somehow become lodged up somebody else's ass as well.
Maybe there's some good abstract music out there. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Then again, I sat through Music on the Edge and it made me want take a bath with a radio, so I think I'm right where I need to be. You, however, might consider that bath.
...and I'm done.
Suggest a topic for me for next time if you enjoyed this. I'd love to try a user rant if I could. Also, play on your own. Get some beer, get angry and have fun. It's a great game, and the only true way to vent without being thrown out of the bar.
Andrew Gutin
What qualifies as a topic? ANYTHING. People, places, ideas, slang terminology, whatever. Everything from the Catholic Church to Bret Michael's bandanas is fair game. If you think a person can get some good material out about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, let them have it.
What are you ranting about? Anything about that topic that pisses you off. Angelina Jolie... her freakish lips. Liechtenstein... the fact that it's so hard to spell. If you don't know anything about the topic, you can even rant about how obscure it is. Do whatever you can and let everything loose. The point of the game is to let out your anger in a ridiculous way, so swing for the fences.
Since I don't know how to set up an audio file on this site, I'll just write it out. Since I have no partner and I want to illustrate what this game is about, I'm going to pick a topic and start to rant as long as possible before I run out of steam. Okay? I'm ready.
Now... it's time for... RAGE!!!
Topic: Abstract Music.
What the fuck is that sound? Music? No, music sounds good. That sounds like a horse who's getting jacked off as somebody saws its head off. I don't care what some of these snobby ass hats tell me about their 'art.' I know music. I sang for 8 years and I've been a supporter of good music most of my life, but ten minutes of you screaming along to a voice recording of a person translating the Gettysburg Address into Spanish isn't music.
I had the absolute misfortune of going to an abstract music concert once. Music on the edge they called it. I didn't get the name until I saw the show. After ten minutes, I was on the edge of standing up, charging the stage and beating the cellist with his bow. Not that he was using it to make music anyways, so I might as well give it a try.
I thought all music had to have something in common with the rest of the music. TO SOUND GOOD. From the worst country song to the heaviest death metal ballad, they all sound good to somebody. If abstract sounds good to you, get yourself checked because you might have brain damage. It's an affront to all that I find good about music to call some guy hitting random notes off beat music. Music has passion. Music has soul. All that abstract has is the ability to induce diarrhea.
You might say I just don't "get it." I'm not hip and the music is beyond me. What they're trying to do is somehow above me. Well... no. There's plenty of stuff that's above me. Beethoven's Fifth is beautiful, and I don't even pretend to fully grasp why it's so good, but it is. Jackoff #2's Bowel Movements While Playing Broken Guitar is not. If I got what that meant, I'd probably pray for sweet death. To "get it" means to have my head so far up my own ass, I somehow become lodged up somebody else's ass as well.
Maybe there's some good abstract music out there. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Then again, I sat through Music on the Edge and it made me want take a bath with a radio, so I think I'm right where I need to be. You, however, might consider that bath.
...and I'm done.
Suggest a topic for me for next time if you enjoyed this. I'd love to try a user rant if I could. Also, play on your own. Get some beer, get angry and have fun. It's a great game, and the only true way to vent without being thrown out of the bar.
Andrew Gutin
Saturday, January 9, 2010
That Holiday Time of Year
Since we just passed the holiday season and the new year, I figured I'd weigh in with some thoughts on each of these glorious happy days. I find that each holiday has a message, and sometimes it gets lost in the rush of emotions. Allow me to straighten things out:
The Holidays For People We Care For
Valentine's Day: Hallmark's way of reminding single people that they need to lower their standards.
Christmas: That time of year when we show our love for the people who value most to us... if they bought us a Wii.
Mother's Day: Mom gets gifts for being a great mom.
Father's Day: Dad gets hush money and cologne for putting up with mom.
Thanksgiving: I'm thankful I only need to see all you people once a year.
The Drunk Holidays
New Years: Let's get drunk and celebrate because we didn't die this past year.
Halloween: Let's get drunk and celebrate women who dress like sluts.
St. Patrick's Day: I'm not even close to Irish, but I'll pretend to be from Dublin if it gets me green Pabst and a chance to see boobs.
Mardi Gras: See above for similar holiday.
Holidays For Important People
Columbus Day: Native Americans not so big on this one.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Even racists shut up because this gets them a day off of work.
Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah: Jews eat a lot.
Yom Kippur: Jews don't eat for a day, then eat a lot.
Military Holidays
Veterans Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and survived.
Memorial Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and died.
Independence Day: Suck it, England.
The Holidays I Can't Explain
April Fools' Day: Let's all act like Ashton Kutcher.
Arbor Day: Something about trees.
Labor Day: Nobody works. Kind of a flammable/inflammable situation.
Groundhog Day: Something about a gopher.
Kwanzaa: If I knew, that would make the me the first person who did.
Easter: Jesus died, so a bunny hides eggs.
Oh yeah... now I'm feeling jolly.
Andrew Gutin
Friday, January 8, 2010
Gutin's Table, Pt. 1
I'm not a food authority by any stretch of the imagination. I just love to eat and have eaten a lot of great food which I think you should eat too. In five-part installments, I plan on sharing the places I think do something really great, whether it's a particular dish (Pizza, Cocktails, Fried Chicken) or something which just makes the place a great eatery (Atmosphere, Clientele). And don't worry, I'll make sure you know why the stuff is that damn good.
Now, these are my opinions, so if you want to give your opinion, feel free. If you want to suggest a place which you think is better, do it. I'm willing to update the list if it gets me a great meal. The only rule I have for the moment is that the establishment must be in the United States. Other than that, everything is fair game. Enjoy!
Now, these are my opinions, so if you want to give your opinion, feel free. If you want to suggest a place which you think is better, do it. I'm willing to update the list if it gets me a great meal. The only rule I have for the moment is that the establishment must be in the United States. Other than that, everything is fair game. Enjoy!
Best Philly Cheese Steak:
Item: Cheese Steak, Cheese Whiz and Onions (Whiz Wit).
Place: Jim’s Steaks (www.jimssteaks.com), 400 South Street, Philadelphia, PA 19147.
Why?:
I know that right about now, there are a lot of people who are wishing death upon me for not picking Pat's or Geno's, but... this is better. Breathe... yes, I said Jim's is better. It's what I prefer, so put down that hardened scrapple and just give me a minute to explain.
Jim's was where I had my first cheese steak and, to date, they do it the best as far as I'm concerned. The steak is greasy, but in the good flavorful way. The cheese, even though it's merely humble Cheese Whiz, is extraordinary when mixed with the fatty meat on top of a soft but sturdy roll. The bite of the fried onions is all that's needed to top off this culinary dream. Haute cuisine this ain't, but it is out of this world.
I know that right about now, there are a lot of people who are wishing death upon me for not picking Pat's or Geno's, but... this is better. Breathe... yes, I said Jim's is better. It's what I prefer, so put down that hardened scrapple and just give me a minute to explain.
Jim's was where I had my first cheese steak and, to date, they do it the best as far as I'm concerned. The steak is greasy, but in the good flavorful way. The cheese, even though it's merely humble Cheese Whiz, is extraordinary when mixed with the fatty meat on top of a soft but sturdy roll. The bite of the fried onions is all that's needed to top off this culinary dream. Haute cuisine this ain't, but it is out of this world.
Best Ice Cream:
Item: Salted Caramel Ice Cream
Location: Bi-Rite Creamery (biritecreamery.com), 3692 18th Street, San Francisco, CA 94110.
Item: Salted Caramel Ice Cream
Location: Bi-Rite Creamery (biritecreamery.com), 3692 18th Street, San Francisco, CA 94110.
Why?:
I'll be honest, salt and ice cream doesn't sound like it should mix. In my head, the first time my sister Sarah told me about salted caramel ice cream, delicious was not the word on my mind. Pepto Bismol seemed more appropriate. However, in this clever concoction, it all makes sense. The salt just helps to bring out a lot of moisture and flavor from the other components of the ice cream.
The Bi-Rite Creamery is known for odd flavor combinations, and this one is no different. It tastes exactly like caramel ice cream, but with just a little something more, and that more puts it over the edge. I had it once when i was in San Francisco and, had it not been for a conversation with my sister, I would have gobbled it up before it had a chance to melt.
I'll be honest, salt and ice cream doesn't sound like it should mix. In my head, the first time my sister Sarah told me about salted caramel ice cream, delicious was not the word on my mind. Pepto Bismol seemed more appropriate. However, in this clever concoction, it all makes sense. The salt just helps to bring out a lot of moisture and flavor from the other components of the ice cream.
The Bi-Rite Creamery is known for odd flavor combinations, and this one is no different. It tastes exactly like caramel ice cream, but with just a little something more, and that more puts it over the edge. I had it once when i was in San Francisco and, had it not been for a conversation with my sister, I would have gobbled it up before it had a chance to melt.
Best Burrito Remix:
Item: Korean Short Rib Burrito
Location: Kogi Truck (kogibbq.com), Mobile Locations - See the website for changing locations throughout the day. Stationary Location - The Alibi Room (www.alibiroomla.com), 12236 Washington Boulevard, Culver City, CA 90066.
Item: Korean Short Rib Burrito
Location: Kogi Truck (kogibbq.com), Mobile Locations - See the website for changing locations throughout the day. Stationary Location - The Alibi Room (www.alibiroomla.com), 12236 Washington Boulevard, Culver City, CA 90066.
Why?:
Los Angeles is full of great Mexican food. There are taco trucks, burrito joints, empanada vendors and so on. However, one slight twist on the classic burrito and Los Angelenos were going fucking crazy. What could do this, you say? Why, Korean burritos of course.
The Kogi trucks are just like any other Mexican food in L.A., but the meats are spiced with traditional Korean marinades, from sweet and spicy pork to my favorite, the short rib burrito. If you've ever eaten at a Korean barbecue restaurant, the short ribs are usually one of the best dishes on the menu, and here is no exception. It's tender, juicy and... I'm drooling just thinking about it. The meat is mixed with jack and cheddar cheese, eggs and hash browns to make a true taste explosion.
If the fact that I love it doesn't tempt you, you should know that there are people who follow the trucks for miles, I repeat MILES, just to get a taste of their tacos and burritos. This is no exaggeration. It's great food and people know it. Don't feel like following around a truck on Friday night? No problem. The nice people at Kogi people set up permanent residence at the Alibi Room in Culver City. Stop by, try it and you will not regret it.
The Kogi trucks are just like any other Mexican food in L.A., but the meats are spiced with traditional Korean marinades, from sweet and spicy pork to my favorite, the short rib burrito. If you've ever eaten at a Korean barbecue restaurant, the short ribs are usually one of the best dishes on the menu, and here is no exception. It's tender, juicy and... I'm drooling just thinking about it. The meat is mixed with jack and cheddar cheese, eggs and hash browns to make a true taste explosion.
If the fact that I love it doesn't tempt you, you should know that there are people who follow the trucks for miles, I repeat MILES, just to get a taste of their tacos and burritos. This is no exaggeration. It's great food and people know it. Don't feel like following around a truck on Friday night? No problem. The nice people at Kogi people set up permanent residence at the Alibi Room in Culver City. Stop by, try it and you will not regret it.
Best Sandwich:
Item: Primanti's Cheese Steak, Fried Egg
Location: Primanti Brothers (www.primantibrothers.com), 3803 Forbes Avenue (Oakland Location), Pittsburgh, PA 15213.
Item: Primanti's Cheese Steak, Fried Egg
Location: Primanti Brothers (www.primantibrothers.com), 3803 Forbes Avenue (Oakland Location), Pittsburgh, PA 15213.
Why?:
For three and a half years while I was in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I chowed down on this sandwich. For almost two of those years, it was a weekly ritual. Every week after glee club practice, I'd grab some people and go to this restaurant for a bite. It's not quite a cheese steak in the Philly sense, but for what it lacks in that respect, it more than makes up for in flavor.
The sandwich is made up of many parts.
1. Bread - Two thick slices of good, crusty Italian bread. I think that each sandwich is like a quarter of a loaf, and you need that structural support to hold up the rest of this monster.
2. Steak - It's more like a fried steak burger which they finish off on the flat top grill. Greasy, but the bread absorbs all of that goodness.
3. Provolone Cheese - A Pittsburgh staple. No whiz here.
4. Tomato - Crisp contrast to a lot of the rest of the sandwich. We're only a little over half way at this point. Oh, there's more.
5. Cole Slaw - A vinegar-based slaw which, like the tomato, adds some depth to the sandwich.
6. French Fries - Thick cut, freshly fried fries makes this sandwich almost perfect.
7. Fried Egg - When you take your first bite into this thing, the yolk just brings everything together well, all is right with the world.
This sandwich is huge, do not get me wrong. When you're hungry though, it is sublime.
Best Sandwich - Honorable Mention:
Location: Zingerman’s Deli (www.zingermansdeli.com), 422 Detroit Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104.
Why?:
These guys know how to make a sandwich and they do it every day for their hungry University of Michigan crowd. Zingerman's makes everything either on premises or through their own, hand-selected purveyors. Putting is mildly, they make some damn good stuff.
For three and a half years while I was in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I chowed down on this sandwich. For almost two of those years, it was a weekly ritual. Every week after glee club practice, I'd grab some people and go to this restaurant for a bite. It's not quite a cheese steak in the Philly sense, but for what it lacks in that respect, it more than makes up for in flavor.
The sandwich is made up of many parts.
1. Bread - Two thick slices of good, crusty Italian bread. I think that each sandwich is like a quarter of a loaf, and you need that structural support to hold up the rest of this monster.
2. Steak - It's more like a fried steak burger which they finish off on the flat top grill. Greasy, but the bread absorbs all of that goodness.
3. Provolone Cheese - A Pittsburgh staple. No whiz here.
4. Tomato - Crisp contrast to a lot of the rest of the sandwich. We're only a little over half way at this point. Oh, there's more.
5. Cole Slaw - A vinegar-based slaw which, like the tomato, adds some depth to the sandwich.
6. French Fries - Thick cut, freshly fried fries makes this sandwich almost perfect.
7. Fried Egg - When you take your first bite into this thing, the yolk just brings everything together well, all is right with the world.
This sandwich is huge, do not get me wrong. When you're hungry though, it is sublime.
Best Sandwich - Honorable Mention:
Location: Zingerman’s Deli (www.zingermansdeli.com), 422 Detroit Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104.
Why?:
These guys know how to make a sandwich and they do it every day for their hungry University of Michigan crowd. Zingerman's makes everything either on premises or through their own, hand-selected purveyors. Putting is mildly, they make some damn good stuff.
Best Drink… Period:
Item: Root Beer:
Location: Fitz’s Soda Bar and Grill (www.fitzsrootbeer.com), 6605 Delmar Boulevard, St. Louis, MO 63130.
Why?:
If you hate root beer, try Fitz's. If this elixir of the gods doesn't make you a convert, nothing will. I can't really describe it more than saying it's wonderful. Fizzy bubbles tickling your tongue, it's sweet but not too sweet and complex like some of the best wine. I know it sounds grandiose, but it's warranted for this liquid seductress. You can't get root beer like this anywhere, and I love root beer so trust me when I say that THERE IS NO DRINK BETTER THAN THIS. No beer, no juice, no liquor, no cocktail, no fizzy lifting beverage can compare to a Fitz's root beer.
For a couple of years, my parents bought cases of the stuff for me for my birthday. I have a problem giving my Fitz's away to people just because it deprives me of one of my bottled delights. Does this seem like an addiction? Yeah, but fuck, I don't care. Try one and you'll be guarding your own bottles like it was the One Ring (oh yeah, LOTR reference #1 on the blog). It's been over a ten year love affair and I still love every sip of every bottle, so I hope you'll give it a try. Just don't try to take one of mine or we'll have problems.
Okay, that's the first glorious five. Let me know if you do go out for this food and if you liked it. Send me any suggestions for locations you want me to go to or categories you want me to weigh in on and I'd be happy to oblige as well. Now, I'm going to go make dinner because writing this has made me exceptionally hungry. Eat well, America.
Andrew Gutin
Item: Root Beer:
Location: Fitz’s Soda Bar and Grill (www.fitzsrootbeer.com), 6605 Delmar Boulevard, St. Louis, MO 63130.
Why?:
If you hate root beer, try Fitz's. If this elixir of the gods doesn't make you a convert, nothing will. I can't really describe it more than saying it's wonderful. Fizzy bubbles tickling your tongue, it's sweet but not too sweet and complex like some of the best wine. I know it sounds grandiose, but it's warranted for this liquid seductress. You can't get root beer like this anywhere, and I love root beer so trust me when I say that THERE IS NO DRINK BETTER THAN THIS. No beer, no juice, no liquor, no cocktail, no fizzy lifting beverage can compare to a Fitz's root beer.
For a couple of years, my parents bought cases of the stuff for me for my birthday. I have a problem giving my Fitz's away to people just because it deprives me of one of my bottled delights. Does this seem like an addiction? Yeah, but fuck, I don't care. Try one and you'll be guarding your own bottles like it was the One Ring (oh yeah, LOTR reference #1 on the blog). It's been over a ten year love affair and I still love every sip of every bottle, so I hope you'll give it a try. Just don't try to take one of mine or we'll have problems.
Okay, that's the first glorious five. Let me know if you do go out for this food and if you liked it. Send me any suggestions for locations you want me to go to or categories you want me to weigh in on and I'd be happy to oblige as well. Now, I'm going to go make dinner because writing this has made me exceptionally hungry. Eat well, America.
Andrew Gutin
Thursday, January 7, 2010
An Open Letter To Americans On The Road
Dear America,
Learn to drive. No, seriously, get your heads out of your asses and figure this shit out. I am tired of slamming on my brakes or swerving out of your way when you do something stupid. Please, read a driver's book, practice on your own until you get it right or stop driving altogether. I'd prefer the last choice, but I can't assume everybody will give up driving because of me, so improvements are all I ask.
I'm a New Jersey driver. You know us? The people all the TV shows make fun of, and you guys all seem to have a laugh about with your friends? Yeah. I'm telling you that you suck. This is equivalent of Joseph Stalin telling you that you might be a bit paranoid. Now, you get the sense of urgency implied in this message.
I am not a great driver. I am fully aware that I do not know how to parallel park, but because of that I don't even try to do it most of the time. I don't want to anger other drivers by wasting their time, so unless I'm confidant, I just find a more open spot where I won't put my own or other's property at risk. See? I am bad at something. I don't get the time to practice it in a safe environment, so I just avoid it where possible, making the world a safer place for other people.
Here are some sample areas for improvement:
1. Switching lanes -
When you want to switch lanes, do so in a cautious manner, making sure to check for traffic behind you and to your side. We all understand that in bad traffic, a lane switch may take longer than during lull periods, so be sure you're clear before you start to move. That being said, when you move to switch, MOVE TO SWITCH. Do not take ten minutes to move your car the six feet from one lane to the next. You may think you're being a good driver, but you're just pissing off every single person behind you. Oh, and when we cut you off, you can see first-hand how a real lane change should be done. It's a learning tool. We hate you, but we're trying to educate as well.
2. Signaling -
Along with the lane change, one of the things which people on the roads can't seem to grasp is the turn signal. Here's a recap of how to work it -
Step 1: Decide to switch lanes/make a turn within 200 feet of making that movement.
Step 2: Put on your left or right turn signal, depending on what direction you intend to go.
Step: 3: When getting close to that change, speed up if switching lanes to keep the pace of traffic or slow down if approaching a turn.
Step 4: Complete the lane switch or turn.
Step 5: If your car does not immediately turn off the signal, please do so as quickly as possible to avoid confusion.
Seems easy, right? Wrong. On most roadways, you're bound to encounter the following.
1. Cars signaling ten millennia before they intend to make any sort of movement in that direction. With these types at least, you know to be wary, because it may not be now, it may not even be within the next hour, but eventually they're going to move.
2. People who believe that a millisecond is enough time for everybody to register their move... in rush hour traffic. On this note as well, these are the people who tend to switch lanes without looking. They assume that the turn signal is some sort of magical switch that opens up room in adjacent lanes automatically. They're shocked when their BMW is mysteriously crushed by a Mac truck who just happened to wander into the magic space cushion.
3. Occasionally, somebody doesn't signal at all, just preferring to let us all guess as to their ultimate destination. Left lane? Right lane? Into the median? Who knows? Maybe if these douchebags put a large flashing disco ball on their spoilers, we'd know to keep clear. Also, funky car attachments would return to the highways. Just a thought.
4. Drivers who use the wrong turn signal for the motion they're making. This isn't Divison I Football, Slick. You're allowed to telegraph your movements. I see a right turn signal, I assume you're moving to the right. I don't tend to think that when a right turn signal goes on, you'll be going five lanes to the left. Nice slant route, you shmuck. The highway police would love to have a word with you.
3. Parking Spots -
This is another idea which, to me, seems elementary. The people who painted that spot made it a certain size for a reason. When it says 'compact', that doesn't mean you should try to wedge in there, Mr. Ford F-150. No, that space is for me, the guy who chose to drive a small, affordable Japanese automobile. You can go down to another level to try and fit that gargantuan vehicle in a parking stable.
And when you try to get your car into the space, do just that. Go the whole way in. Do not leave your car hanging out, because I swear to almighty God that you will get hit. Too hard to pull out if you pull all the way in, you say? Well then, park somewhere else and let the rest of us have a crack at the spaces you waste.
Lastly, take one space. You see those lines on the ground? The white ones. Yeah, you're right, those are the same ones I talked about before. Not only do they indicate a size restriction, but they also mark separate spots. If you can't fit into one, sorry but you'll have to go elsewhere. I'm not driving further just because you were the brain-dead moron who couldn't figure out how to color in the lines.
4. The Fast Lane -
On most highways, the far left lane is the fast lane. Why do they call it that? Well, because you're supposed to go fast, silly. I know, it makes a lot more sense than parking on a driveway and driving on the parkway. Either way, when you're in that lane, you're expected to go... audience contribution here... FAST! I'm not asking you to break the speed limit, but if you are in the fast lane going more than ten miles under the speed limit with no reason to do so (traffic backup, car accident, moose in the road, etc.), well then you sir, you should be kicked in the nuts. Ladies, I'm sure we could think of a similarly unpleasant punishment, but I'd prefer not to get into those kinds of details on this blog... yet.
5. Turning -
I hadn't had a problem with this one until I'd graduated from high school, but it must have been one of those things that just didn't seem important when I was the bad, new driver. Maybe I even did it once or twice in my automotive youth. If you approach a turn where there are no pedestrians or other impediments and you insist on taking the turn at 5 mph on a 45 mph road, the blood vessels in my head will pop. I don't get. These people turn like the road suddenly became a treacherous mountain pass and they're going to fall off of it if their car moves in a forward direction. Move faster, jerks, or don't be surprised when you see me punching my dashboard in your rearview mirror.
6. Slow Driving -
I'm pretty sure by this point, you all think I'm just a blowhard who thinks that only one way of driving is correct. Well, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to apologize just because most of you don't know how to drive strategically. Not defensively or offensively, but strategically. I say that because there is a strategy to how our road systems are set up. If you are the person in front of a line of traffic, it's your duty to either keep pace or get out of the way. Do not hold people up just because you want to cruise.
On a one way street, this is more important than ever. You're at the front, so a little slowness for you could mean major backups for the guy ten cars behind you. While the traffic authorities may not think this means much in terms, tell this to the person who needs to get to work on time or they're fired. Just because you need to waste some time before you get home to the spouse you settled for doesn't mean I should get held up from my errands. Are they that important? No, but it doesn't mean I want to wait for your Mazda P.O.S. to break 20 miles an hour.
I know, by the way, that there are times to drive more slowly. After it has just rained, in the fog or in the snow, it can be hazardous out. Also, if you speed in a construction zone, fines are doubled, so watch out. However, this is not the case for most of us most of the time, and if you live in a place where inclement weather is the norm, chances are you know how to drive at a normal speed. So, keep all of this information in mind and speed the hell up. It's not tailgating if horse and buggies are passing you.
I'm sure if I had more time, I could think of more rules, but at this point in time, I'd rather not add to my seething rage. I get enough of it daily when I get on the road, and even more when I restrain myself from acting on those urges. That's my gift to you, America. You drive better, and I continue to leave my nail gun at home when I take car trips. Deal?
Safe driving, America.
Andrew Gutin
Learn to drive. No, seriously, get your heads out of your asses and figure this shit out. I am tired of slamming on my brakes or swerving out of your way when you do something stupid. Please, read a driver's book, practice on your own until you get it right or stop driving altogether. I'd prefer the last choice, but I can't assume everybody will give up driving because of me, so improvements are all I ask.
I'm a New Jersey driver. You know us? The people all the TV shows make fun of, and you guys all seem to have a laugh about with your friends? Yeah. I'm telling you that you suck. This is equivalent of Joseph Stalin telling you that you might be a bit paranoid. Now, you get the sense of urgency implied in this message.
I am not a great driver. I am fully aware that I do not know how to parallel park, but because of that I don't even try to do it most of the time. I don't want to anger other drivers by wasting their time, so unless I'm confidant, I just find a more open spot where I won't put my own or other's property at risk. See? I am bad at something. I don't get the time to practice it in a safe environment, so I just avoid it where possible, making the world a safer place for other people.
Here are some sample areas for improvement:
1. Switching lanes -
When you want to switch lanes, do so in a cautious manner, making sure to check for traffic behind you and to your side. We all understand that in bad traffic, a lane switch may take longer than during lull periods, so be sure you're clear before you start to move. That being said, when you move to switch, MOVE TO SWITCH. Do not take ten minutes to move your car the six feet from one lane to the next. You may think you're being a good driver, but you're just pissing off every single person behind you. Oh, and when we cut you off, you can see first-hand how a real lane change should be done. It's a learning tool. We hate you, but we're trying to educate as well.
2. Signaling -
Along with the lane change, one of the things which people on the roads can't seem to grasp is the turn signal. Here's a recap of how to work it -
Step 1: Decide to switch lanes/make a turn within 200 feet of making that movement.
Step 2: Put on your left or right turn signal, depending on what direction you intend to go.
Step: 3: When getting close to that change, speed up if switching lanes to keep the pace of traffic or slow down if approaching a turn.
Step 4: Complete the lane switch or turn.
Step 5: If your car does not immediately turn off the signal, please do so as quickly as possible to avoid confusion.
Seems easy, right? Wrong. On most roadways, you're bound to encounter the following.
1. Cars signaling ten millennia before they intend to make any sort of movement in that direction. With these types at least, you know to be wary, because it may not be now, it may not even be within the next hour, but eventually they're going to move.
2. People who believe that a millisecond is enough time for everybody to register their move... in rush hour traffic. On this note as well, these are the people who tend to switch lanes without looking. They assume that the turn signal is some sort of magical switch that opens up room in adjacent lanes automatically. They're shocked when their BMW is mysteriously crushed by a Mac truck who just happened to wander into the magic space cushion.
3. Occasionally, somebody doesn't signal at all, just preferring to let us all guess as to their ultimate destination. Left lane? Right lane? Into the median? Who knows? Maybe if these douchebags put a large flashing disco ball on their spoilers, we'd know to keep clear. Also, funky car attachments would return to the highways. Just a thought.
4. Drivers who use the wrong turn signal for the motion they're making. This isn't Divison I Football, Slick. You're allowed to telegraph your movements. I see a right turn signal, I assume you're moving to the right. I don't tend to think that when a right turn signal goes on, you'll be going five lanes to the left. Nice slant route, you shmuck. The highway police would love to have a word with you.
3. Parking Spots -
This is another idea which, to me, seems elementary. The people who painted that spot made it a certain size for a reason. When it says 'compact', that doesn't mean you should try to wedge in there, Mr. Ford F-150. No, that space is for me, the guy who chose to drive a small, affordable Japanese automobile. You can go down to another level to try and fit that gargantuan vehicle in a parking stable.
And when you try to get your car into the space, do just that. Go the whole way in. Do not leave your car hanging out, because I swear to almighty God that you will get hit. Too hard to pull out if you pull all the way in, you say? Well then, park somewhere else and let the rest of us have a crack at the spaces you waste.
Lastly, take one space. You see those lines on the ground? The white ones. Yeah, you're right, those are the same ones I talked about before. Not only do they indicate a size restriction, but they also mark separate spots. If you can't fit into one, sorry but you'll have to go elsewhere. I'm not driving further just because you were the brain-dead moron who couldn't figure out how to color in the lines.
4. The Fast Lane -
On most highways, the far left lane is the fast lane. Why do they call it that? Well, because you're supposed to go fast, silly. I know, it makes a lot more sense than parking on a driveway and driving on the parkway. Either way, when you're in that lane, you're expected to go... audience contribution here... FAST! I'm not asking you to break the speed limit, but if you are in the fast lane going more than ten miles under the speed limit with no reason to do so (traffic backup, car accident, moose in the road, etc.), well then you sir, you should be kicked in the nuts. Ladies, I'm sure we could think of a similarly unpleasant punishment, but I'd prefer not to get into those kinds of details on this blog... yet.
5. Turning -
I hadn't had a problem with this one until I'd graduated from high school, but it must have been one of those things that just didn't seem important when I was the bad, new driver. Maybe I even did it once or twice in my automotive youth. If you approach a turn where there are no pedestrians or other impediments and you insist on taking the turn at 5 mph on a 45 mph road, the blood vessels in my head will pop. I don't get. These people turn like the road suddenly became a treacherous mountain pass and they're going to fall off of it if their car moves in a forward direction. Move faster, jerks, or don't be surprised when you see me punching my dashboard in your rearview mirror.
6. Slow Driving -
I'm pretty sure by this point, you all think I'm just a blowhard who thinks that only one way of driving is correct. Well, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to apologize just because most of you don't know how to drive strategically. Not defensively or offensively, but strategically. I say that because there is a strategy to how our road systems are set up. If you are the person in front of a line of traffic, it's your duty to either keep pace or get out of the way. Do not hold people up just because you want to cruise.
On a one way street, this is more important than ever. You're at the front, so a little slowness for you could mean major backups for the guy ten cars behind you. While the traffic authorities may not think this means much in terms, tell this to the person who needs to get to work on time or they're fired. Just because you need to waste some time before you get home to the spouse you settled for doesn't mean I should get held up from my errands. Are they that important? No, but it doesn't mean I want to wait for your Mazda P.O.S. to break 20 miles an hour.
I know, by the way, that there are times to drive more slowly. After it has just rained, in the fog or in the snow, it can be hazardous out. Also, if you speed in a construction zone, fines are doubled, so watch out. However, this is not the case for most of us most of the time, and if you live in a place where inclement weather is the norm, chances are you know how to drive at a normal speed. So, keep all of this information in mind and speed the hell up. It's not tailgating if horse and buggies are passing you.
I'm sure if I had more time, I could think of more rules, but at this point in time, I'd rather not add to my seething rage. I get enough of it daily when I get on the road, and even more when I restrain myself from acting on those urges. That's my gift to you, America. You drive better, and I continue to leave my nail gun at home when I take car trips. Deal?
Safe driving, America.
Andrew Gutin
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