On Lying

We all lie. It is a necessary part of every day life at this point, though most of us would prefer not to admit it. Even the best of us are forced to bend the truth under some circumstances. Some of us, however, have turned it into an art form. There are even entire industries where creative fact-telling is an important facet of their business. Lest we forget the tobacco industry's assertion that there was no direct link between smoking and cancer... these are the Greek gods of competitive bullshit.

On CNN and the other pundit-based news networks, the talking heads they employ are also in the rarefied stratosphere of great liars. The news anchors themselves are forced to lie on occasion, but the commentators and 'experts' are BS professionals. I'm not even sure some of them would know what the truth is at this point in their careers. Eventually, you begin to live the lie and there is no going back. Anne Coulter wears the lie like a protective jacket over her mannish, skeletal frame.

And then we come to the marathon runners of lying: Politicians. Seriously, I lie some times to save my ass, but I couldn't do it at the volume they do. I'm an amateur next to these MLB (Major League Bullshit... yeah, I went there) players. Just to get by in a day without pissing off your constituents requires the linguistic maneuvering of a contortionist.

I applaud them, but at the same time I know their tricks. You see, with the movement of news from sporadic bursts of events to constant information, we're privileged to see these men and women at all times. As such, we can find their tells. Yes, just like poker players, politicians have tells which let us know when they're giving us a big ol' wad of misinformation.

President George W. Bush was known for having great verbal flubs during his press conferences, but he was also known for making plenty of odd faces. Notably, whenever he pronounced something right, he'd often give the camera a nice shit-eating grin to proclaim his happiness. Sure, Iran hates us, but he finally got Ahmadinejad right.

That is what he'd want you to think, but that Texan hid a lot more in that grin than just some phonetic pride. No, when he smiled, that was his tell. He'd make sure to put a complex name right next to the lie so we thought he was taking credit for the pronunciation, but he was just about to laugh because we were actually believing the lie. We all have this friend. The guy who can't lie to save his life, because whenever he does, he cracks up laughing. The "You bought that?" school of lying. The laugh is like a natural defense against telling a lie, but ol' George found a way around it. Then again, given his mental abilities, I'd say this has Rove and Cheney written all over it.

Barack Obama, the great man of change, lies as well. His tell is very cleverly concealed and it took me some time to find it, but I got him. When Obama talks, he seldom looks right into a camera. He looks from side to side, which gives a lot of emphasis to what he is saying, because it feels like he's addressing different parts of the audience at difference times. But therein lies the capacity to lie, too. By not looking at us straight on, he could lie and we would be none the wiser. We all have this friend, too. The guy who can't hold your gaze when he lies. He's a clever bastard too, because he'll make it seem like he's doing something which requires his attention other than you, but we all know better. It doesn't take your full attention to open and close a cell phone while you tell me about the "drunks" who smashed up my car last night when you had it.

Lastly, we have the general politician lying moves. I get very suspicious whenever I hear a lot of endearing terms in a political speech, like "My friends" or "My fellow Americans." This friend is especially insidious because he gets really chummy when he's about to lie to you or ask for something, but you're so flattered you don't see it. By making us equals, politicians make us more likely to listen to what they say. We're not beneath them, we're fellow Americans. It's almost like we're related when we say that. Next thing you know, you're helping that friend move or supporting a politician's tax hike and you don't even know when you got suckered in.

Watch out for the liars, friends. They're all over and well, I'd hate for you to get fucked by somebody who just knew how to push your buttons. It's not fair and they shouldn't do it, but they do, so we can fight. Be skeptical, be cynical and make sure to read between the lines when stuff gets said. Just because it comes out of the mouth of a powerful or popular person doesn't make it true. I'm pretty sure that's how a bunch of people ended up drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown.

And me? Am I trustworthy or just a paranoid citizen? Like I said, we all lie. It's unavoidable and not necessarily evil. Would you lie to save a friend? Your parents? Yourself? As far as me, you just have to decide whether my lies make me more honest than others, because everything is relative. I know, it's a lovely picture I paint of the world. At least now you're seeing it as it is.

Andrew Gutin