5 Things Which You Might Like

Simple idea: Here is a list of five things you might like which make me want to drive a claw hammer into my skull repeatedly.

1. Dane Cook - I am a huge fan of stand up comedy. I have been for years and I truly love it when people push the bounds of this art and find humor in places the rest of us merely couldn't. That being said, Dane Cook is not funny. What he does is merely a high-energy series of comments about things we all do which, were they delivered by somebody less attractive, would not get the same results. I may not be making the money he is, nor do I have his legion of fans, but if I had to tell his "jokes" (if we are allowed to call them that) to get where he is, I'd rather die in obscurity. I know we must all sell our soul a little for fame, but he just opened up his anus and told fame to plunge in without lube.

2. Dan Brown - I did read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I didn't mind it. Then again, I took a huge shit this morning and enjoyed that a great deal more. The man writes throwaway books for people who want to seem smart. You know, the douche-box who uses words which are just a little too big for them just so he can show that he knows them. Calling what he does 'Literature' is basically like pissing on William Faulkner because you've linked the two in some manner. The characters have no depth, the plot holes are so big you could fit a universe in between, the narration tells everything and, were it not for the next person on my countdown, Dan would be #1 on my awful writer's list.

3. Stephenie Meyer - I will never hit a woman. I've said that and I believe it, but god damn this woman is making it really hard to follow that rule. I apologize to all the Twi-fucks out there, but seriously? I read part of one of the books and my brain had to send electrical impulses to my limbs to remind them that I was still alive. In a two page section where the word "Beautiful" came up about ten times, I briefly considered finding Ms. (I pray to all the holy deities that nobody was stupid enough to marry this chick) Meyer and giving her a concussion with a thesaurus, but decided against it. In the wake of her films, I figure at least a few of her fans will kill each other and raise the general IQ of the world's population.

4. Nickelback - There is only one band that can record the same album 18 times and still be good, and that is AC/DC. You know why? Because when AC/DC goes on stage, you're scared of them. They're four foot tall Australian dudes, but you know they could kick your ass. Nickelback looks like the kind of band that would get raped at night on Sesame Street. Add to that the fact that they sound like a mixture of a person getting belted in the testicles and a cat dying and you've got the makings of a band even Satan wouldn't endorse. I'm pretty sure if they put out another album, they will be charged with crimes against humanity.

5. Michael Bay - All hail the Cinema Omega! If there is a person who will kill film, it is Michael Bay. I'm not saying he has the potential to be that bad because we know that. I'm saying if it's ever going to happen, he will do it. He will send film into a death roll of explosions and bare midriffs from which it can't escape. Some people reading this now are going, "Well, what's wrong with explosions and naked chicks?" and I hope you all choke to death on your own stupidity. I pray that the ghosts of Kurosawa, Godard, Chaplin and Kubrick go to Michael Bay's house and just kick the shit out of him. In fact, they're ghosts, so maybe they could kick the terrible ideas out of his head. Wait, that probably is all he has in there... KICK HARDER CHARLIE!!! The world would thank them.

Andrew Gutin