That Holiday Time of Year

Since we just passed the holiday season and the new year, I figured I'd weigh in with some thoughts on each of these glorious happy days. I find that each holiday has a message, and sometimes it gets lost in the rush of emotions. Allow me to straighten things out:

The Holidays For People We Care For

Valentine's Day: Hallmark's way of reminding single people that they need to lower their standards.

Christmas: That time of year when we show our love for the people who value most to us... if they bought us a Wii.

Mother's Day: Mom gets gifts for being a great mom.

Father's Day: Dad gets hush money and cologne for putting up with mom.

Thanksgiving: I'm thankful I only need to see all you people once a year.

The Drunk Holidays

New Years: Let's get drunk and celebrate because we didn't die this past year.

Halloween: Let's get drunk and celebrate women who dress like sluts.

St. Patrick's Day: I'm not even close to Irish, but I'll pretend to be from Dublin if it gets me green Pabst and a chance to see boobs.

Mardi Gras: See above for similar holiday.

Holidays For Important People

Columbus Day: Native Americans not so big on this one.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Even racists shut up because this gets them a day off of work.

Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah: Jews eat a lot.

Yom Kippur: Jews don't eat for a day, then eat a lot.

Military Holidays

Veterans Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and survived.

Memorial Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and died.

Independence Day: Suck it, England.

The Holidays I Can't Explain

April Fools' Day: Let's all act like Ashton Kutcher.

Arbor Day: Something about trees.

Labor Day: Nobody works. Kind of a flammable/inflammable situation.

Groundhog Day: Something about a gopher.

Kwanzaa: If I knew, that would make the me the first person who did.

Easter: Jesus died, so a bunny hides eggs.

Oh yeah... now I'm feeling jolly.

Andrew Gutin