About a year or so ago, my friend Gautam and I thought up a game. This game is called "Rage." There is no point to this game other than to vent and there are no losers other than those we vent about. The rules are simple. One player gives another a topic and that person rants about that subject off the top of their head for as long as possible without breaking to think.
What qualifies as a topic? ANYTHING. People, places, ideas, slang terminology, whatever. Everything from the Catholic Church to Bret Michael's bandanas is fair game. If you think a person can get some good material out about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, let them have it.
What are you ranting about? Anything about that topic that pisses you off. Angelina Jolie... her freakish lips. Liechtenstein... the fact that it's so hard to spell. If you don't know anything about the topic, you can even rant about how obscure it is. Do whatever you can and let everything loose. The point of the game is to let out your anger in a ridiculous way, so swing for the fences.
Since I don't know how to set up an audio file on this site, I'll just write it out. Since I have no partner and I want to illustrate what this game is about, I'm going to pick a topic and start to rant as long as possible before I run out of steam. Okay? I'm ready.
Now... it's time for... RAGE!!!
Topic: Abstract Music.
What the fuck is that sound? Music? No, music sounds good. That sounds like a horse who's getting jacked off as somebody saws its head off. I don't care what some of these snobby ass hats tell me about their 'art.' I know music. I sang for 8 years and I've been a supporter of good music most of my life, but ten minutes of you screaming along to a voice recording of a person translating the Gettysburg Address into Spanish isn't music.
I had the absolute misfortune of going to an abstract music concert once. Music on the edge they called it. I didn't get the name until I saw the show. After ten minutes, I was on the edge of standing up, charging the stage and beating the cellist with his bow. Not that he was using it to make music anyways, so I might as well give it a try.
I thought all music had to have something in common with the rest of the music. TO SOUND GOOD. From the worst country song to the heaviest death metal ballad, they all sound good to somebody. If abstract sounds good to you, get yourself checked because you might have brain damage. It's an affront to all that I find good about music to call some guy hitting random notes off beat music. Music has passion. Music has soul. All that abstract has is the ability to induce diarrhea.
You might say I just don't "get it." I'm not hip and the music is beyond me. What they're trying to do is somehow above me. Well... no. There's plenty of stuff that's above me. Beethoven's Fifth is beautiful, and I don't even pretend to fully grasp why it's so good, but it is. Jackoff #2's Bowel Movements While Playing Broken Guitar is not. If I got what that meant, I'd probably pray for sweet death. To "get it" means to have my head so far up my own ass, I somehow become lodged up somebody else's ass as well.
Maybe there's some good abstract music out there. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Then again, I sat through Music on the Edge and it made me want take a bath with a radio, so I think I'm right where I need to be. You, however, might consider that bath.
...and I'm done.
Suggest a topic for me for next time if you enjoyed this. I'd love to try a user rant if I could. Also, play on your own. Get some beer, get angry and have fun. It's a great game, and the only true way to vent without being thrown out of the bar.
Andrew Gutin
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