A Facebook Warning

I've been a member of the social networking site Facebook for over four years now. It is a great way to keep in touch with friends, family and those hot chicks who you still stalk from high school. Unfortunately, as with all good things, the site has some bad facets as well. Some people have had material they've posted on the site used against them in courts of law. Others have had it used against them by their employer or significant other. Some people just post dumb shit, and I'd like to end all of that. So, here are some ideas for the typical Facebook addict.

- Unless your status is funny or cool, nobody wants to hear what you're doing. You beat David Lee Roth in arm wrestling and won his hair piece? Post that shit. For the average person though, I'm sure you think it's fascinating that you're "drrrriinkiiinnnnnnnn," but the rest of us want to drive a tent spike through your head, you uneducated, alcoholic waste of space. If this is your typical status, your life is of very minute importance to everybody except the rapist who's going to use that information. On that note, have fun out on the town.

- When you post photos, you want to steer clear of anything which could attract police attention. I might just be a Cautious Cathy over here, but the picture with you holding a gun to a picture of your physics professor might get you some heat.

- Ladies, don't post yourself as being in a relationship with another woman if you aren't gay. I know, some of you don't want guys hitting on you, but here's a bit of information: GUYS LIKE LESBIANS. Your logic that saying you're in a relationship with a girl will stop guys makes as much sense as smearing honey on your body to stop a hungry bear.

- If you list, "Blazin' an fitin da man" (Actual Facebook Profile Information) as your hobbies, keep in mind that there are employers (da man) who might not be so hospitable to you. Now that you know, you can stop bitching about how you're unemployed in your horrendously misspelled status.

- Five words: Stop the kissy-face photos.

- Never post song lyrics as your status. To somebody, those words meant a lot, and they were in fact the artist who wrote that song. I bet you think you feel the same way, but you're the online equivalent of that drunk slut who thinks that every song is "her song." You want to quote a song? Write your own.

- If you flood my news feed with any stupid quizzes or games, I'm deleting you as a friend. I think I'd rather hear that you're doing shooting heroin into your balls than see that your Farmville farm has produced a bumper crop of corn.

Andrew Gutin