An Open Letter To Americans On The Road

Dear America,
Learn to drive. No, seriously, get your heads out of your asses and figure this shit out. I am tired of slamming on my brakes or swerving out of your way when you do something stupid. Please, read a driver's book, practice on your own until you get it right or stop driving altogether. I'd prefer the last choice, but I can't assume everybody will give up driving because of me, so improvements are all I ask.

I'm a New Jersey driver. You know us? The people all the TV shows make fun of, and you guys all seem to have a laugh about with your friends? Yeah. I'm telling you that you suck. This is equivalent of Joseph Stalin telling you that you might be a bit paranoid. Now, you get the sense of urgency implied in this message.

I am not a great driver. I am fully aware that I do not know how to parallel park, but because of that I don't even try to do it most of the time. I don't want to anger other drivers by wasting their time, so unless I'm confidant, I just find a more open spot where I won't put my own or other's property at risk. See? I am bad at something. I don't get the time to practice it in a safe environment, so I just avoid it where possible, making the world a safer place for other people.

Here are some sample areas for improvement:
1. Switching lanes -
When you want to switch lanes, do so in a cautious manner, making sure to check for traffic behind you and to your side. We all understand that in bad traffic, a lane switch may take longer than during lull periods, so be sure you're clear before you start to move. That being said, when you move to switch, MOVE TO SWITCH. Do not take ten minutes to move your car the six feet from one lane to the next. You may think you're being a good driver, but you're just pissing off every single person behind you. Oh, and when we cut you off, you can see first-hand how a real lane change should be done. It's a learning tool. We hate you, but we're trying to educate as well.

2. Signaling -
Along with the lane change, one of the things which people on the roads can't seem to grasp is the turn signal. Here's a recap of how to work it -
Step 1: Decide to switch lanes/make a turn within 200 feet of making that movement.
Step 2: Put on your left or right turn signal, depending on what direction you intend to go.
Step: 3: When getting close to that change, speed up if switching lanes to keep the pace of traffic or slow down if approaching a turn.
Step 4: Complete the lane switch or turn.
Step 5: If your car does not immediately turn off the signal, please do so as quickly as possible to avoid confusion.

Seems easy, right? Wrong. On most roadways, you're bound to encounter the following.
1. Cars signaling ten millennia before they intend to make any sort of movement in that direction. With these types at least, you know to be wary, because it may not be now, it may not even be within the next hour, but eventually they're going to move.
2. People who believe that a millisecond is enough time for everybody to register their move... in rush hour traffic. On this note as well, these are the people who tend to switch lanes without looking. They assume that the turn signal is some sort of magical switch that opens up room in adjacent lanes automatically. They're shocked when their BMW is mysteriously crushed by a Mac truck who just happened to wander into the magic space cushion.
3. Occasionally, somebody doesn't signal at all, just preferring to let us all guess as to their ultimate destination. Left lane? Right lane? Into the median? Who knows? Maybe if these douchebags put a large flashing disco ball on their spoilers, we'd know to keep clear. Also, funky car attachments would return to the highways. Just a thought.
4. Drivers who use the wrong turn signal for the motion they're making. This isn't Divison I Football, Slick. You're allowed to telegraph your movements. I see a right turn signal, I assume you're moving to the right. I don't tend to think that when a right turn signal goes on, you'll be going five lanes to the left. Nice slant route, you shmuck. The highway police would love to have a word with you.

3. Parking Spots -
This is another idea which, to me, seems elementary. The people who painted that spot made it a certain size for a reason. When it says 'compact', that doesn't mean you should try to wedge in there, Mr. Ford F-150. No, that space is for me, the guy who chose to drive a small, affordable Japanese automobile. You can go down to another level to try and fit that gargantuan vehicle in a parking stable.
And when you try to get your car into the space, do just that. Go the whole way in. Do not leave your car hanging out, because I swear to almighty God that you will get hit. Too hard to pull out if you pull all the way in, you say? Well then, park somewhere else and let the rest of us have a crack at the spaces you waste.
Lastly, take one space. You see those lines on the ground? The white ones. Yeah, you're right, those are the same ones I talked about before. Not only do they indicate a size restriction, but they also mark separate spots. If you can't fit into one, sorry but you'll have to go elsewhere. I'm not driving further just because you were the brain-dead moron who couldn't figure out how to color in the lines.

4. The Fast Lane -
On most highways, the far left lane is the fast lane. Why do they call it that? Well, because you're supposed to go fast, silly. I know, it makes a lot more sense than parking on a driveway and driving on the parkway. Either way, when you're in that lane, you're expected to go... audience contribution here... FAST! I'm not asking you to break the speed limit, but if you are in the fast lane going more than ten miles under the speed limit with no reason to do so (traffic backup, car accident, moose in the road, etc.), well then you sir, you should be kicked in the nuts. Ladies, I'm sure we could think of a similarly unpleasant punishment, but I'd prefer not to get into those kinds of details on this blog... yet.

5. Turning -
I hadn't had a problem with this one until I'd graduated from high school, but it must have been one of those things that just didn't seem important when I was the bad, new driver. Maybe I even did it once or twice in my automotive youth. If you approach a turn where there are no pedestrians or other impediments and you insist on taking the turn at 5 mph on a 45 mph road, the blood vessels in my head will pop. I don't get. These people turn like the road suddenly became a treacherous mountain pass and they're going to fall off of it if their car moves in a forward direction. Move faster, jerks, or don't be surprised when you see me punching my dashboard in your rearview mirror.

6. Slow Driving -
I'm pretty sure by this point, you all think I'm just a blowhard who thinks that only one way of driving is correct. Well, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to apologize just because most of you don't know how to drive strategically. Not defensively or offensively, but strategically. I say that because there is a strategy to how our road systems are set up. If you are the person in front of a line of traffic, it's your duty to either keep pace or get out of the way. Do not hold people up just because you want to cruise.

On a one way street, this is more important than ever. You're at the front, so a little slowness for you could mean major backups for the guy ten cars behind you. While the traffic authorities may not think this means much in terms, tell this to the person who needs to get to work on time or they're fired. Just because you need to waste some time before you get home to the spouse you settled for doesn't mean I should get held up from my errands. Are they that important? No, but it doesn't mean I want to wait for your Mazda P.O.S. to break 20 miles an hour.

I know, by the way, that there are times to drive more slowly. After it has just rained, in the fog or in the snow, it can be hazardous out. Also, if you speed in a construction zone, fines are doubled, so watch out. However, this is not the case for most of us most of the time, and if you live in a place where inclement weather is the norm, chances are you know how to drive at a normal speed. So, keep all of this information in mind and speed the hell up. It's not tailgating if horse and buggies are passing you.

I'm sure if I had more time, I could think of more rules, but at this point in time, I'd rather not add to my seething rage. I get enough of it daily when I get on the road, and even more when I restrain myself from acting on those urges. That's my gift to you, America. You drive better, and I continue to leave my nail gun at home when I take car trips. Deal?

Safe driving, America.

Andrew Gutin