Literal Wisdom

Some famous adages:

An apple keeps the doctor away. - I feel that the person who wrote this died by subsisting entirely on apples when he started to cough up blood. Sure, apples are nice, but they don't replace chemotherapy.

There is no use crying over spilt milk. - Spilt blood is another thing entirely.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. - I'm sorry then, but what's the point of having the cake?

A watched pot never boils. - Fire helps. Burn your eyes out so you stop looking or set it under the pot, then watch away.

Never judge a book by its cover. - Yeah, because if it has a midget fisting a twelve year old Vietnamese prostitute's asshole on the cover, it could be Wuthering Heights.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - My slogan of choice for AA.

Why pay the cows when you can get the milk for free? - Again, the person who wrote this probably died due to his own advice, sucking on a cow's udders in some random farmer's barn.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. - And if you believe this, you're probably a shitty friend.

Cut off your nose to spite your face. - Van Gogh went with an ear and we all know his name, so maybe there's something to this face-spite.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Perhaps what ails the U.S. economy could be solved by a quick nap.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. - Just like when what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas, I'm not bailing you out when you try this one.

Beauty is only skin deep. - You ever notice how people who say this are always really pretty or really ugly? If you've ever had to pay for a drink at a bar, guess which one you are?

The grass is always greener on the other side. - Unless you live next to a prison.

Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. - Fool me three times, check if I've had a stroke.

Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. - There is, however, no accounting for rowdy neighborhood kids.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. - Yet again, this brilliant author was probably murdered when he brought his enemies on a vacation. His friends were distraught, but they recalled he was only friendly when he was in need, so they got over it.

There is more than one way to skin a cat. - My slogan of choice for the ASPCA.

Don't count your chickens until they are hatched. - However, should you like a frittata, we have what we need.

Where there's a will, there's a way. - Where there's a will, there's a 25 year old woman willing to fuck a geriatric to bank his estate.

Andrew Gutin

The Things In My Head

Currently, there's a campaign run by the NFL called Play 60, where they urge all children to get at least an hour of exercise a day. I'm sorry, but when I was a kid we didn't need people to tell us that. If it was warm, you played outside until you got tired and if it was cold, you played inside until you got tired. Step it up parents, or I'm gonna break the XBox 360 and start lobbing dodge balls at your kid until he's not fat.

Google just launched their newest product, a tablet computer called the iPad. And here I thought that was going to be a female-oriented product.

Craigslist has a large amount of personal ads for people looking for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) sex. There's also a classified ads where people are selling everything from lube to shady warehouses. They even have an entire section of people willing to render 'services' for a price. Craigslist: Walmart for rapists.

Being on unemployment is fun. Now, when I show up on CNN, I'm officially 'part of the problem.' God bless America for giving me this privilege.

Many people refer to sites like Youtube as 'Timewaster Sites.' They feel the sites serve one purpose, and that is to divert people's attention from actual work. That is not true. The purpose is to allow us to upload endless videos of cats doing cute things (Keyboard Cat) because they can't do it for themselves. I'm not wasting time, I'm just helping out a fellow being without thumbs.

I've seen the Twilight moms and they scare me. Where has Chris Hanson been during this prolonged episode of "To Catch A Predator?

Why are parents now so scared of their kids getting hurt? I don't know why, but the generation of kids right after I was born seemed to be born into a bubble of overly sensitive parents. By the time I was in eighth grade, all of the playground equipment was plastic. What the fuck? Isn't part of childhood learning about day-to-day hazards and how to avoid them? You don't learn that with plastic. You learn that from sliding down a metal slide in the middle of August.

Ed Hardy is a fashion statement. That statement: "It was a one-night stand, but herpes is for life, bitch."

Miss America is coming up very soon and I'm very excited. Why? I love beauty pageants. Think about it for a moment. If your state elects you as their best representative, and you drop your batons on stage on national television and that was the BEST they had, we're allowed to ridicule your state forever. Sure, North Carolina might be full of hicks too, but South Carolina elected the dumb shit for Miss Teen USA in 2007 who answered a question about the failure of the American educational system by being living proof of that failure (I love South Carolina).

Andrew Gutin

Lighten Up, pt. 1

I know I haven't been keeping up the posts lately, so to make amends I'm going to post some longer pieces in the few days where I just rant for your amusement. Enjoy!

In this world, there are plenty of things to get excited about. War, famine, plague, pestilence and all the other things which make daily news possible are things you should get mad about and do something about. Some people, however, get riled up over stupid things. This a sampling of some things I feel that people take too seriously or get offended by too much. I do not want to paint everybody who has some interest/belief in these causes as the same, but if you've ever gotten preachy about that subject, this is written to you. Brand me as a liberal or conservative if you wish, but I prefer to think I am a member of the Party for Logical Thinking:

Vegetarianism/Veganism for Moral Reasons:
Yeah, I know the suffering of animals is bad. I do. There is one thing stopping me from doing anything though: Animals taste good. If you don't think so, that's fine, but realize that a large portion of the planet gets its protein from some form of animal flesh. I support sustainable farms and other methods for making animals more comfortable in their captivity, but we're not stopping the big corporations this abruptly. That's the kind of thing that doesn't change overnight. It took us 400 years to stop enslaving black people, so I apologize if the fate of other species isn't high up on the list.

I do wish I could stop the farms from killing thousands of animals today, but I won't for multiple reasons. First of all, I know the death of animals is bad for the world, but the loss of those jobs is bad for our economy. Sorry, but I feel much worse for the slaughterhouse worker in Chicago than for the animals he'll kill. Also, that factory farm meat is often quite a bit cheaper than kosher meat or animals raised in more humane environments. I'd rather not have to tell the single mother of four kids living on minimum wage from two jobs that she can't feed her kids because the animals were treated badly.

Some vegetarians will argue that if you care for a dog and wouldn't kill a dog, what makes that different from a chicken or a cow? Well, call it the grooming of civilization. I just view animals in a hierarchy and we just happen to be at the top and yes, that means eating some of the ones lower on the list. Some times, dogs do present logical reasons why they're better than humans, but we feed them so I would like to keep us in the #1 spot. Also, in some parts of the world, no animal is safe. Forget the single, American mother from before. Would you tell a Cambodian family they can't eat a dog? Sure, the dog is valuable, but what if his life meant the death of one of them? Where do your priorities lie? I say the dog can get his revenge in the afterlife if he wants, but I'd rather not have a dead human on my conscience.

Lastly, if you're really going to split hairs about murdering things, I'd say to go fuck yourself because any you eat is some living thing. Honey, a product naturally manufactured by animals, is one of the few exceptions I can see but I'm sure there's even some life in the squeezable bear. Some things are reproductive organs (apples are for seed dispersal, artichokes are flowers) and others are just entire organisms. The only reason you see some sort of superiority between a potato and a puppy is that we can't tell when a tuber is in pain. What if plants feel everything you do? What if the last feeling a carrot has if of being skinned alive then roasted to death? How about the millions of cells you kill when you clap your hands? Should I throw red paint on you for genocide because you liked a joke I made?

I won't stop eating meat for moral reasons. It's just too good and my conscience is not burdened. Oh, and the pictures you show me of animals being tortured? Yeah, that works really well for the pro-life people too. While you hoist that bad boy, I'll be enjoying a T-bone steak in your honor.

Porn:
It's a fucking business. Just shut up, let the people screw and go on with your life. If you don't like what they're doing, just don't watch. Oh, but you say that the fact that they're doing it IS the problem? Well, why? Because everybody needs to exist on your moral standard? Eat a bullet. People do different things for money and those people found out that when they have sex, people find them attractive enough to watch. You don't get offended when women pose for Maxim or FHM, but as soon as they remove the little bit of clothing they have on and add a naked male, it's asking for Satan's wrath. And hey, not to speak from personal experience, but if watching people have sex makes somebody a little less depressed about their romantic situation or brings a couple together through physical intimacy, isn't that worth a little bit of hellfire?

And don't give me the argument that it's gross. Sure, you might not like how the people look, but they're healthier than you in a lot of cases. In mainstream pornography, the actors get tested regularly for STDs, all their partners are screened as well, they're in fantastic physical shape and well, their livelihood depends on their bodies. Most porn stars have shorter careers than NFL players, so they need to be in tip-top shape for what they do. So, you might see it as gross, but nobody is paying to watch you fuck.

Some people say that porn objectifies women and that might be true. However, objectifying women has been around long before porn. Porn is just reapplying a system put in place thousands of years ago by scared men in power. Also, if you're into women in control, there's tons of options for that nowadays. No longer relegated to the world of fetish pornography, some women are in charge of porn empires and men like it that way. Women see things a different way and film as such, and the market is responding positively to this change. Rejoice, women's rights movement because your dreams are coming true. Just understand that a rough sex porno may upset you, but the girl in it is probably having a great time.

A last point, and this one was given to me by a Christian marriage web site. They said that pornography can cause unrealistic expectations about sex. To answer this, I have a simple question. Do you watch Lord of the Rings and expect to see Hobbits in New Zealand? If you do, then you're a fucking idiot. Similarly, if you watch a porn and can't distinguish between what they do and what you're capable of, you're a delusional fool who shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of the dullest of butter knives.

Andrew Gutin

Leap of Faith

Why don't I have faith? Because I think. I do not defer to some higher power for my logic. I do not need that parent standing over my shoulder to go to in moments of weakness or stupidity. I am a logical human being and as such I should be able to come to conclusions that satisfy me that don't rely on "Because I said so" statements.

I do envy those who have faith. No, not because I want it, but I want to know what it's like. I want to be able to rationalize the inequalities and unfairness in the world through some universal method and sadly, I don't have it. I want to see the beauty and wonder of the universe and know what started it all, but I can not. To me, the world is as it is and I just haven't found the reason yet. Faith seems like the shortcut. It's not an answer, but a way out of an answer. And I don't look down on those who take this route. It might honestly be preferable to cop out than to search for these answers, less painful to search for reason.

Why do we take that leap, too? Is it so hard to live in a world without reason? We live day to day with so many things we don't know, so why is that the one that bugs us? I mean, I don't know when I'll die, but I  will keep chugging along until I do. I think a lot of people do it for that reason itself, that faith allows them what they perceive as some control over their destiny. They know what the rest of us don't, so they can move on as if nothing is wrong. But that's the thing. NOBODY knows. Nobody who does has come back to tell us and that's the way it is.

On the other hand, why do I pick lack of security over security? Those faith-filled people sleep better because they have a blanket, but it wouldn't keep me warm. It's one of those things where as soon as you think it, you think it for a long time. You have faith and you can believe it or you don't and you cant. Neither of us really knows, so maybe I'm just as bad as they are, but for some reason a leap of faith seems a leap too far for me.

For me, it does come down to my original point. What faithful people perceive as a sense of control I see as deferring to a higher power. You give away your power to something you can't prove to alleviate responsibility. At least when I say I am responsible for me, I know what I am. I can see myself in a mirror, know my limits and unwillingness to exist beneath those limits. I am me. I believe in me. Why? Because I think and really, that's all I have. My reasoning and logic are who I am, and if I gave away even a tiny bit of them because I was scared of the answers I might find, I would feel a traitor to myself. Sure, I won't sleep as well, but I'll be happier in the embrace of my mind.

Andrew Gutin

The One About Jackasses

I'd like to address a certain group of people now, if it pleases the blog audience. This group is responsible for many sins in my mind, but the greatest of these sins is general jackassitude. And I'm not talking about being a jackass in the sense of the TV show. I'm talking about being that dick who just has to act like an ass to ruin somebody's night.

For argument's sake, I'll confine this complaint to those present at a bar, since that is where a lot of this tends to happen. When alcohol is present, it's like the jackasses just come out of the woodwork. If that alcoholic is Jagermeister, even moreso. So, here I go.

Hey team pride person, quit it. I know you think your team is sooooo great, but nobody cares. Unless you were personally on that team, shut the fuck up. And hey, if somebody doesn't like your team, get over it. I'm an Eagles fan and everywhere I go, I meet some jackoff Dallas fan who feels the need to prove he's king swaggercock. If you get that pumped up when you're not a member of that team, you look like a tool. You didn't help them win, so stop saying WE won. THEY won. YOU watched.

What the fuck is up with every tool in the bar wanting to tap my beer to make it foam up? I know it's funny when my beer foams up. Haha! Funny! What are you, five? It's a chemical reaction, dumbass. One which if you live in LA or NYC can cost you ten bucks or more. It takes a real douche to waste money like that. Also, remember this dickwad. The people you make lose their beer don't have a beer any more. Now, they have a weapon. And when I smash mine into your gelled skull, you better pray that shit acts like a helmet or you'll be picking Stella Artois-soaked glass out of your skull when you wake up.

Inevitably, when I go out, I see an attractive girl across the bar. Usually she has a boyfriend and I don't mind this. I figure if I think she's hot, a lot of other guys do too. However, some jealous losers seem to think that eye contact is the same as cheating. T'were this the case, every man in the world has cheated on their wives many, many times. But no, this man seems convinced that if his woman even looks at another man for more than a lingering second, she wants to suck his dick at the bar. Because of this, I've gotten into many near fights from Napoleon Complex-having d-bags. No, bro, I'm not trying to take her. I will say that when you're over here, she is talking to your best friend about fucking him later though. Yes, douche rocket, that's a fact. The more paranoid you are ABOUT her cheating, the more likely she is GOING to cheat because she figures the trust isn't there.

And let's not forget the ladies, because you are most certainly guilty. In every bar, there is one woman who has to bring us all down. Why? Is it her period? Did her boyfriend break up with her? Maybe she's just bitchy. Whatever the reason, this woman will make it her mission to scowl at every man, woman and frat member she sees. If you get in her way, expect a stern elbow to the gut, Tex, because she doesn't have time for your shit. Just get her drunk? No, no, no, we do NOT pour gas onto the blaze. Sure, she might seem better for a bit, dancing by herself to Heart's greatest hits, but that tornado will come back stronger than ever in a few moments. All she needs is to see a prettier girl (which given the usual physical makeup of "The Bitch" won't take too long) or some guy who doesn't look like he's falling in love with her (same amount of time), and we've got Carrie on our hands.

My advice to all these types: Don't go out. Nobody wants you there, as much as your friends say they do. Why do they say that? So they seem good by comparison. Everybody wants to be better than the worst person in their group. For girls, nobody wants to be the ugly girl, and for guys nobody wants to be the douche but somebody has to do it. You fill that role, so get the point. 

Oh, and if you've read my list and you don't recognize your friends amongst these types, well, I've got some news. It's you. Work on that.

Andrew Gutin

What Your Party Says About You

How do you party? Big or small? Loud and raucous or quiet and intimate? People in my generation think that they party a certain way, but it's not a representation of how they really are. It's just the booze/drugs/music/etc. doing the thinking. WRONG. How you party says a lot about you as a person. If you go to the following parties, chances are you give off the following vibe:

Rave: I love shitty house music or taking copious amounts of psychoactive drugs.

Foam Party: I'm a voyeur, but I'd love not to get caught fucking you on the dance floor three feet away from my friends.

Karaoke: I sing terribly and will mask this with alcohol, further exacerbating the first problem.

Gaming Party: I prefer Nintendo Wii over sexual contact.

Dinner Party: I like to pretend I'm classy before I get smashed on Franzia.

Beer Pong Tournament: I make bad decisions under the guise of competition.

Root Beer Pong Tournament: I'm an RA or I suck out loud... wait, the second part will suffice.

Kegger: I'm going to end the night fucking, punching or pissing on something or crying in a corner eating away my sad feelings in a pit of deep-fried depression.

Da Club: I do NOT act like some slut in a dive bar. I only give it up to guys who get bottle service.

Costume Party: No, you're not that hot, but I've always wanted to fuck a caveman/sexy nun.

Andrew Gutin

5 Things Which You Might Like

Simple idea: Here is a list of five things you might like which make me want to drive a claw hammer into my skull repeatedly.

1. Dane Cook - I am a huge fan of stand up comedy. I have been for years and I truly love it when people push the bounds of this art and find humor in places the rest of us merely couldn't. That being said, Dane Cook is not funny. What he does is merely a high-energy series of comments about things we all do which, were they delivered by somebody less attractive, would not get the same results. I may not be making the money he is, nor do I have his legion of fans, but if I had to tell his "jokes" (if we are allowed to call them that) to get where he is, I'd rather die in obscurity. I know we must all sell our soul a little for fame, but he just opened up his anus and told fame to plunge in without lube.

2. Dan Brown - I did read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I didn't mind it. Then again, I took a huge shit this morning and enjoyed that a great deal more. The man writes throwaway books for people who want to seem smart. You know, the douche-box who uses words which are just a little too big for them just so he can show that he knows them. Calling what he does 'Literature' is basically like pissing on William Faulkner because you've linked the two in some manner. The characters have no depth, the plot holes are so big you could fit a universe in between, the narration tells everything and, were it not for the next person on my countdown, Dan would be #1 on my awful writer's list.

3. Stephenie Meyer - I will never hit a woman. I've said that and I believe it, but god damn this woman is making it really hard to follow that rule. I apologize to all the Twi-fucks out there, but seriously? I read part of one of the books and my brain had to send electrical impulses to my limbs to remind them that I was still alive. In a two page section where the word "Beautiful" came up about ten times, I briefly considered finding Ms. (I pray to all the holy deities that nobody was stupid enough to marry this chick) Meyer and giving her a concussion with a thesaurus, but decided against it. In the wake of her films, I figure at least a few of her fans will kill each other and raise the general IQ of the world's population.

4. Nickelback - There is only one band that can record the same album 18 times and still be good, and that is AC/DC. You know why? Because when AC/DC goes on stage, you're scared of them. They're four foot tall Australian dudes, but you know they could kick your ass. Nickelback looks like the kind of band that would get raped at night on Sesame Street. Add to that the fact that they sound like a mixture of a person getting belted in the testicles and a cat dying and you've got the makings of a band even Satan wouldn't endorse. I'm pretty sure if they put out another album, they will be charged with crimes against humanity.

5. Michael Bay - All hail the Cinema Omega! If there is a person who will kill film, it is Michael Bay. I'm not saying he has the potential to be that bad because we know that. I'm saying if it's ever going to happen, he will do it. He will send film into a death roll of explosions and bare midriffs from which it can't escape. Some people reading this now are going, "Well, what's wrong with explosions and naked chicks?" and I hope you all choke to death on your own stupidity. I pray that the ghosts of Kurosawa, Godard, Chaplin and Kubrick go to Michael Bay's house and just kick the shit out of him. In fact, they're ghosts, so maybe they could kick the terrible ideas out of his head. Wait, that probably is all he has in there... KICK HARDER CHARLIE!!! The world would thank them.

Andrew Gutin

Make Fun

Okay, my friends, here is a public service announcement I've wanted to make for months. I'm sick and tired of people who have clue how to properly insult one another. As a kid, I remember this was common, but I figured as I grew older the insults would develop. I was sad to find out that as I grew up, the insults only grew more childish. Instead of crippling a person at their core, these insults were the kind of stab that wouldn't make a lasting mark in Play-Doh. Please allow me to instruct you in the finer arts of insult humor.

The first piece of business to attend to is your target. A lot of times, the better insults are not warranted. You can just stick to some standard ones, but that doesn't mean you need to be boring. Sure, douchebag is good, but vary is up. Douche-nozzle, meaning you are not even good enough to be a douche, but rather you are the nozzle through which douche passes, is a great change-up. In some cases too, you can use the fact that somebody isn't worthy of a good insult as an insult in and of itself. Remind the person that they are of such little significance in your life that insulting them would be a waste of manpower. However, for the more stubborn cockroaches in your life, the following guidelines might help.

Be gross. If you are at all squeamish when thinking up gross insults, grow the fuck up. I know it's scary to confront things like dead bodies or horrible sex acts in person, but in your head it should all be fair game. Preferably, your mind should look like a murder scene from CSI. Trust me, the more grotesque, the better. Incest, blood, gore, feces, sexual diseases and all available orifices are not only recommended, but necessary to bring somebody down to the level at which they belong. If it's so fucked up that you need a cold shower after you insult the person, you're about where you need to be. Preferably, the gross insult should be something so evil, so heinously wrong that even if the other person has a great comeback, they're too repulsed to get it out. I'd put some ideas here, but I want to sleep tonight so I'll let you decide what direction to take this. Hint: Hell and lower levels.

Make it personal. I know the "your mother" joke is still pretty common, but you can take it up a notch, people. Don't just say you fucked somebody's mother, because that's pretty weak. Good comedy comes from the joke that's harder to think up. You wanna hurt him? Describe it. Go into excruciating details. If you know the guy at all, use some of that. Is he from the deep south? Make a crack about you fucking her, but you're pretty sure he knows what that's like already. Is he a comic book nerd? Tell him that you loved the V for Vendetta poster on his bedroom wall, because it gave you something to pay attention to during the sad excuse for a blowjob his mom gave you. The closer you are, the more it hurts.

Insult something that they're proud of. I know, it sounds counterintuitive. Usually, you'd want to go for the thing they're least confident about because it's a sore spot, but believe me on this. The more confident somebody is about something, the more it hurts to get hit there. A very attractive woman once made fun of one of my friends for being a nerd, and somehow she ended up crying. Why? Because he KNOWS he's a nerd and he's been told it before. She, on the other hand, had never been told that her face bore a strong resemblance to Sylvester Stallone's cleft buttcheeks. True, an harsh hit, but she did fire the first volley, so it was a fair retaliation.

A word about timeliness. I know it can be tough to think up this stuff on the spot, but you need to do it for maximum impact. If it's over the line, so be it, but it might also be great and you just need to let it rip to find out. The longer you wait to get out the insult, the lamer it will sound. Give a slight pause between when the person makes an offensive comment and when you retaliate, but no longer than a few seconds or you'll face the dreaded insult gap. Pass that and still attempt an insult, and you're the stupid guy. If you need to work on this, keep some quick insults at the ready until this becomes second-nature. Or, barring that, stare the asshole down like you're going to knife him. It's not effective as a direct shot at his miniscule privates, but it does make him debate his next assault.

Last rule, and this is important: No fear, no regrets and no remorse. If you're going to do this, do it full on or it won't work. Half of the time, the reasons insults suck is because the insulter half-asses it and lets the intensity waver. By the time you're done spraying your vitriolic burst at your opponent, they should feel awful. They should feel like if they tried to commit suicide, Clarence the angel would let them do it. Let the bastards have it. If a person warrants some of the evil shit which I've mentioned above, game on. Now, go out there and make me proud.

Andrew Gutin

A Facebook Warning

I've been a member of the social networking site Facebook for over four years now. It is a great way to keep in touch with friends, family and those hot chicks who you still stalk from high school. Unfortunately, as with all good things, the site has some bad facets as well. Some people have had material they've posted on the site used against them in courts of law. Others have had it used against them by their employer or significant other. Some people just post dumb shit, and I'd like to end all of that. So, here are some ideas for the typical Facebook addict.

- Unless your status is funny or cool, nobody wants to hear what you're doing. You beat David Lee Roth in arm wrestling and won his hair piece? Post that shit. For the average person though, I'm sure you think it's fascinating that you're "drrrriinkiiinnnnnnnn," but the rest of us want to drive a tent spike through your head, you uneducated, alcoholic waste of space. If this is your typical status, your life is of very minute importance to everybody except the rapist who's going to use that information. On that note, have fun out on the town.

- When you post photos, you want to steer clear of anything which could attract police attention. I might just be a Cautious Cathy over here, but the picture with you holding a gun to a picture of your physics professor might get you some heat.

- Ladies, don't post yourself as being in a relationship with another woman if you aren't gay. I know, some of you don't want guys hitting on you, but here's a bit of information: GUYS LIKE LESBIANS. Your logic that saying you're in a relationship with a girl will stop guys makes as much sense as smearing honey on your body to stop a hungry bear.

- If you list, "Blazin' an fitin da man" (Actual Facebook Profile Information) as your hobbies, keep in mind that there are employers (da man) who might not be so hospitable to you. Now that you know, you can stop bitching about how you're unemployed in your horrendously misspelled status.

- Five words: Stop the kissy-face photos.

- Never post song lyrics as your status. To somebody, those words meant a lot, and they were in fact the artist who wrote that song. I bet you think you feel the same way, but you're the online equivalent of that drunk slut who thinks that every song is "her song." You want to quote a song? Write your own.

- If you flood my news feed with any stupid quizzes or games, I'm deleting you as a friend. I think I'd rather hear that you're doing shooting heroin into your balls than see that your Farmville farm has produced a bumper crop of corn.

Andrew Gutin

On Lying

We all lie. It is a necessary part of every day life at this point, though most of us would prefer not to admit it. Even the best of us are forced to bend the truth under some circumstances. Some of us, however, have turned it into an art form. There are even entire industries where creative fact-telling is an important facet of their business. Lest we forget the tobacco industry's assertion that there was no direct link between smoking and cancer... these are the Greek gods of competitive bullshit.

On CNN and the other pundit-based news networks, the talking heads they employ are also in the rarefied stratosphere of great liars. The news anchors themselves are forced to lie on occasion, but the commentators and 'experts' are BS professionals. I'm not even sure some of them would know what the truth is at this point in their careers. Eventually, you begin to live the lie and there is no going back. Anne Coulter wears the lie like a protective jacket over her mannish, skeletal frame.

And then we come to the marathon runners of lying: Politicians. Seriously, I lie some times to save my ass, but I couldn't do it at the volume they do. I'm an amateur next to these MLB (Major League Bullshit... yeah, I went there) players. Just to get by in a day without pissing off your constituents requires the linguistic maneuvering of a contortionist.

I applaud them, but at the same time I know their tricks. You see, with the movement of news from sporadic bursts of events to constant information, we're privileged to see these men and women at all times. As such, we can find their tells. Yes, just like poker players, politicians have tells which let us know when they're giving us a big ol' wad of misinformation.

President George W. Bush was known for having great verbal flubs during his press conferences, but he was also known for making plenty of odd faces. Notably, whenever he pronounced something right, he'd often give the camera a nice shit-eating grin to proclaim his happiness. Sure, Iran hates us, but he finally got Ahmadinejad right.

That is what he'd want you to think, but that Texan hid a lot more in that grin than just some phonetic pride. No, when he smiled, that was his tell. He'd make sure to put a complex name right next to the lie so we thought he was taking credit for the pronunciation, but he was just about to laugh because we were actually believing the lie. We all have this friend. The guy who can't lie to save his life, because whenever he does, he cracks up laughing. The "You bought that?" school of lying. The laugh is like a natural defense against telling a lie, but ol' George found a way around it. Then again, given his mental abilities, I'd say this has Rove and Cheney written all over it.

Barack Obama, the great man of change, lies as well. His tell is very cleverly concealed and it took me some time to find it, but I got him. When Obama talks, he seldom looks right into a camera. He looks from side to side, which gives a lot of emphasis to what he is saying, because it feels like he's addressing different parts of the audience at difference times. But therein lies the capacity to lie, too. By not looking at us straight on, he could lie and we would be none the wiser. We all have this friend, too. The guy who can't hold your gaze when he lies. He's a clever bastard too, because he'll make it seem like he's doing something which requires his attention other than you, but we all know better. It doesn't take your full attention to open and close a cell phone while you tell me about the "drunks" who smashed up my car last night when you had it.

Lastly, we have the general politician lying moves. I get very suspicious whenever I hear a lot of endearing terms in a political speech, like "My friends" or "My fellow Americans." This friend is especially insidious because he gets really chummy when he's about to lie to you or ask for something, but you're so flattered you don't see it. By making us equals, politicians make us more likely to listen to what they say. We're not beneath them, we're fellow Americans. It's almost like we're related when we say that. Next thing you know, you're helping that friend move or supporting a politician's tax hike and you don't even know when you got suckered in.

Watch out for the liars, friends. They're all over and well, I'd hate for you to get fucked by somebody who just knew how to push your buttons. It's not fair and they shouldn't do it, but they do, so we can fight. Be skeptical, be cynical and make sure to read between the lines when stuff gets said. Just because it comes out of the mouth of a powerful or popular person doesn't make it true. I'm pretty sure that's how a bunch of people ended up drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown.

And me? Am I trustworthy or just a paranoid citizen? Like I said, we all lie. It's unavoidable and not necessarily evil. Would you lie to save a friend? Your parents? Yourself? As far as me, you just have to decide whether my lies make me more honest than others, because everything is relative. I know, it's a lovely picture I paint of the world. At least now you're seeing it as it is.

Andrew Gutin