Literal Wisdom

Some famous adages:

An apple keeps the doctor away. - I feel that the person who wrote this died by subsisting entirely on apples when he started to cough up blood. Sure, apples are nice, but they don't replace chemotherapy.

There is no use crying over spilt milk. - Spilt blood is another thing entirely.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. - I'm sorry then, but what's the point of having the cake?

A watched pot never boils. - Fire helps. Burn your eyes out so you stop looking or set it under the pot, then watch away.

Never judge a book by its cover. - Yeah, because if it has a midget fisting a twelve year old Vietnamese prostitute's asshole on the cover, it could be Wuthering Heights.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - My slogan of choice for AA.

Why pay the cows when you can get the milk for free? - Again, the person who wrote this probably died due to his own advice, sucking on a cow's udders in some random farmer's barn.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. - And if you believe this, you're probably a shitty friend.

Cut off your nose to spite your face. - Van Gogh went with an ear and we all know his name, so maybe there's something to this face-spite.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Perhaps what ails the U.S. economy could be solved by a quick nap.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. - Just like when what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas, I'm not bailing you out when you try this one.

Beauty is only skin deep. - You ever notice how people who say this are always really pretty or really ugly? If you've ever had to pay for a drink at a bar, guess which one you are?

The grass is always greener on the other side. - Unless you live next to a prison.

Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. - Fool me three times, check if I've had a stroke.

Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. - There is, however, no accounting for rowdy neighborhood kids.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. - Yet again, this brilliant author was probably murdered when he brought his enemies on a vacation. His friends were distraught, but they recalled he was only friendly when he was in need, so they got over it.

There is more than one way to skin a cat. - My slogan of choice for the ASPCA.

Don't count your chickens until they are hatched. - However, should you like a frittata, we have what we need.

Where there's a will, there's a way. - Where there's a will, there's a 25 year old woman willing to fuck a geriatric to bank his estate.

Andrew Gutin

The Things In My Head

Currently, there's a campaign run by the NFL called Play 60, where they urge all children to get at least an hour of exercise a day. I'm sorry, but when I was a kid we didn't need people to tell us that. If it was warm, you played outside until you got tired and if it was cold, you played inside until you got tired. Step it up parents, or I'm gonna break the XBox 360 and start lobbing dodge balls at your kid until he's not fat.

Google just launched their newest product, a tablet computer called the iPad. And here I thought that was going to be a female-oriented product.

Craigslist has a large amount of personal ads for people looking for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) sex. There's also a classified ads where people are selling everything from lube to shady warehouses. They even have an entire section of people willing to render 'services' for a price. Craigslist: Walmart for rapists.

Being on unemployment is fun. Now, when I show up on CNN, I'm officially 'part of the problem.' God bless America for giving me this privilege.

Many people refer to sites like Youtube as 'Timewaster Sites.' They feel the sites serve one purpose, and that is to divert people's attention from actual work. That is not true. The purpose is to allow us to upload endless videos of cats doing cute things (Keyboard Cat) because they can't do it for themselves. I'm not wasting time, I'm just helping out a fellow being without thumbs.

I've seen the Twilight moms and they scare me. Where has Chris Hanson been during this prolonged episode of "To Catch A Predator?

Why are parents now so scared of their kids getting hurt? I don't know why, but the generation of kids right after I was born seemed to be born into a bubble of overly sensitive parents. By the time I was in eighth grade, all of the playground equipment was plastic. What the fuck? Isn't part of childhood learning about day-to-day hazards and how to avoid them? You don't learn that with plastic. You learn that from sliding down a metal slide in the middle of August.

Ed Hardy is a fashion statement. That statement: "It was a one-night stand, but herpes is for life, bitch."

Miss America is coming up very soon and I'm very excited. Why? I love beauty pageants. Think about it for a moment. If your state elects you as their best representative, and you drop your batons on stage on national television and that was the BEST they had, we're allowed to ridicule your state forever. Sure, North Carolina might be full of hicks too, but South Carolina elected the dumb shit for Miss Teen USA in 2007 who answered a question about the failure of the American educational system by being living proof of that failure (I love South Carolina).

Andrew Gutin

Lighten Up, pt. 1

I know I haven't been keeping up the posts lately, so to make amends I'm going to post some longer pieces in the few days where I just rant for your amusement. Enjoy!

In this world, there are plenty of things to get excited about. War, famine, plague, pestilence and all the other things which make daily news possible are things you should get mad about and do something about. Some people, however, get riled up over stupid things. This a sampling of some things I feel that people take too seriously or get offended by too much. I do not want to paint everybody who has some interest/belief in these causes as the same, but if you've ever gotten preachy about that subject, this is written to you. Brand me as a liberal or conservative if you wish, but I prefer to think I am a member of the Party for Logical Thinking:

Vegetarianism/Veganism for Moral Reasons:
Yeah, I know the suffering of animals is bad. I do. There is one thing stopping me from doing anything though: Animals taste good. If you don't think so, that's fine, but realize that a large portion of the planet gets its protein from some form of animal flesh. I support sustainable farms and other methods for making animals more comfortable in their captivity, but we're not stopping the big corporations this abruptly. That's the kind of thing that doesn't change overnight. It took us 400 years to stop enslaving black people, so I apologize if the fate of other species isn't high up on the list.

I do wish I could stop the farms from killing thousands of animals today, but I won't for multiple reasons. First of all, I know the death of animals is bad for the world, but the loss of those jobs is bad for our economy. Sorry, but I feel much worse for the slaughterhouse worker in Chicago than for the animals he'll kill. Also, that factory farm meat is often quite a bit cheaper than kosher meat or animals raised in more humane environments. I'd rather not have to tell the single mother of four kids living on minimum wage from two jobs that she can't feed her kids because the animals were treated badly.

Some vegetarians will argue that if you care for a dog and wouldn't kill a dog, what makes that different from a chicken or a cow? Well, call it the grooming of civilization. I just view animals in a hierarchy and we just happen to be at the top and yes, that means eating some of the ones lower on the list. Some times, dogs do present logical reasons why they're better than humans, but we feed them so I would like to keep us in the #1 spot. Also, in some parts of the world, no animal is safe. Forget the single, American mother from before. Would you tell a Cambodian family they can't eat a dog? Sure, the dog is valuable, but what if his life meant the death of one of them? Where do your priorities lie? I say the dog can get his revenge in the afterlife if he wants, but I'd rather not have a dead human on my conscience.

Lastly, if you're really going to split hairs about murdering things, I'd say to go fuck yourself because any you eat is some living thing. Honey, a product naturally manufactured by animals, is one of the few exceptions I can see but I'm sure there's even some life in the squeezable bear. Some things are reproductive organs (apples are for seed dispersal, artichokes are flowers) and others are just entire organisms. The only reason you see some sort of superiority between a potato and a puppy is that we can't tell when a tuber is in pain. What if plants feel everything you do? What if the last feeling a carrot has if of being skinned alive then roasted to death? How about the millions of cells you kill when you clap your hands? Should I throw red paint on you for genocide because you liked a joke I made?

I won't stop eating meat for moral reasons. It's just too good and my conscience is not burdened. Oh, and the pictures you show me of animals being tortured? Yeah, that works really well for the pro-life people too. While you hoist that bad boy, I'll be enjoying a T-bone steak in your honor.

Porn:
It's a fucking business. Just shut up, let the people screw and go on with your life. If you don't like what they're doing, just don't watch. Oh, but you say that the fact that they're doing it IS the problem? Well, why? Because everybody needs to exist on your moral standard? Eat a bullet. People do different things for money and those people found out that when they have sex, people find them attractive enough to watch. You don't get offended when women pose for Maxim or FHM, but as soon as they remove the little bit of clothing they have on and add a naked male, it's asking for Satan's wrath. And hey, not to speak from personal experience, but if watching people have sex makes somebody a little less depressed about their romantic situation or brings a couple together through physical intimacy, isn't that worth a little bit of hellfire?

And don't give me the argument that it's gross. Sure, you might not like how the people look, but they're healthier than you in a lot of cases. In mainstream pornography, the actors get tested regularly for STDs, all their partners are screened as well, they're in fantastic physical shape and well, their livelihood depends on their bodies. Most porn stars have shorter careers than NFL players, so they need to be in tip-top shape for what they do. So, you might see it as gross, but nobody is paying to watch you fuck.

Some people say that porn objectifies women and that might be true. However, objectifying women has been around long before porn. Porn is just reapplying a system put in place thousands of years ago by scared men in power. Also, if you're into women in control, there's tons of options for that nowadays. No longer relegated to the world of fetish pornography, some women are in charge of porn empires and men like it that way. Women see things a different way and film as such, and the market is responding positively to this change. Rejoice, women's rights movement because your dreams are coming true. Just understand that a rough sex porno may upset you, but the girl in it is probably having a great time.

A last point, and this one was given to me by a Christian marriage web site. They said that pornography can cause unrealistic expectations about sex. To answer this, I have a simple question. Do you watch Lord of the Rings and expect to see Hobbits in New Zealand? If you do, then you're a fucking idiot. Similarly, if you watch a porn and can't distinguish between what they do and what you're capable of, you're a delusional fool who shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of the dullest of butter knives.

Andrew Gutin

Leap of Faith

Why don't I have faith? Because I think. I do not defer to some higher power for my logic. I do not need that parent standing over my shoulder to go to in moments of weakness or stupidity. I am a logical human being and as such I should be able to come to conclusions that satisfy me that don't rely on "Because I said so" statements.

I do envy those who have faith. No, not because I want it, but I want to know what it's like. I want to be able to rationalize the inequalities and unfairness in the world through some universal method and sadly, I don't have it. I want to see the beauty and wonder of the universe and know what started it all, but I can not. To me, the world is as it is and I just haven't found the reason yet. Faith seems like the shortcut. It's not an answer, but a way out of an answer. And I don't look down on those who take this route. It might honestly be preferable to cop out than to search for these answers, less painful to search for reason.

Why do we take that leap, too? Is it so hard to live in a world without reason? We live day to day with so many things we don't know, so why is that the one that bugs us? I mean, I don't know when I'll die, but I  will keep chugging along until I do. I think a lot of people do it for that reason itself, that faith allows them what they perceive as some control over their destiny. They know what the rest of us don't, so they can move on as if nothing is wrong. But that's the thing. NOBODY knows. Nobody who does has come back to tell us and that's the way it is.

On the other hand, why do I pick lack of security over security? Those faith-filled people sleep better because they have a blanket, but it wouldn't keep me warm. It's one of those things where as soon as you think it, you think it for a long time. You have faith and you can believe it or you don't and you cant. Neither of us really knows, so maybe I'm just as bad as they are, but for some reason a leap of faith seems a leap too far for me.

For me, it does come down to my original point. What faithful people perceive as a sense of control I see as deferring to a higher power. You give away your power to something you can't prove to alleviate responsibility. At least when I say I am responsible for me, I know what I am. I can see myself in a mirror, know my limits and unwillingness to exist beneath those limits. I am me. I believe in me. Why? Because I think and really, that's all I have. My reasoning and logic are who I am, and if I gave away even a tiny bit of them because I was scared of the answers I might find, I would feel a traitor to myself. Sure, I won't sleep as well, but I'll be happier in the embrace of my mind.

Andrew Gutin

The One About Jackasses

I'd like to address a certain group of people now, if it pleases the blog audience. This group is responsible for many sins in my mind, but the greatest of these sins is general jackassitude. And I'm not talking about being a jackass in the sense of the TV show. I'm talking about being that dick who just has to act like an ass to ruin somebody's night.

For argument's sake, I'll confine this complaint to those present at a bar, since that is where a lot of this tends to happen. When alcohol is present, it's like the jackasses just come out of the woodwork. If that alcoholic is Jagermeister, even moreso. So, here I go.

Hey team pride person, quit it. I know you think your team is sooooo great, but nobody cares. Unless you were personally on that team, shut the fuck up. And hey, if somebody doesn't like your team, get over it. I'm an Eagles fan and everywhere I go, I meet some jackoff Dallas fan who feels the need to prove he's king swaggercock. If you get that pumped up when you're not a member of that team, you look like a tool. You didn't help them win, so stop saying WE won. THEY won. YOU watched.

What the fuck is up with every tool in the bar wanting to tap my beer to make it foam up? I know it's funny when my beer foams up. Haha! Funny! What are you, five? It's a chemical reaction, dumbass. One which if you live in LA or NYC can cost you ten bucks or more. It takes a real douche to waste money like that. Also, remember this dickwad. The people you make lose their beer don't have a beer any more. Now, they have a weapon. And when I smash mine into your gelled skull, you better pray that shit acts like a helmet or you'll be picking Stella Artois-soaked glass out of your skull when you wake up.

Inevitably, when I go out, I see an attractive girl across the bar. Usually she has a boyfriend and I don't mind this. I figure if I think she's hot, a lot of other guys do too. However, some jealous losers seem to think that eye contact is the same as cheating. T'were this the case, every man in the world has cheated on their wives many, many times. But no, this man seems convinced that if his woman even looks at another man for more than a lingering second, she wants to suck his dick at the bar. Because of this, I've gotten into many near fights from Napoleon Complex-having d-bags. No, bro, I'm not trying to take her. I will say that when you're over here, she is talking to your best friend about fucking him later though. Yes, douche rocket, that's a fact. The more paranoid you are ABOUT her cheating, the more likely she is GOING to cheat because she figures the trust isn't there.

And let's not forget the ladies, because you are most certainly guilty. In every bar, there is one woman who has to bring us all down. Why? Is it her period? Did her boyfriend break up with her? Maybe she's just bitchy. Whatever the reason, this woman will make it her mission to scowl at every man, woman and frat member she sees. If you get in her way, expect a stern elbow to the gut, Tex, because she doesn't have time for your shit. Just get her drunk? No, no, no, we do NOT pour gas onto the blaze. Sure, she might seem better for a bit, dancing by herself to Heart's greatest hits, but that tornado will come back stronger than ever in a few moments. All she needs is to see a prettier girl (which given the usual physical makeup of "The Bitch" won't take too long) or some guy who doesn't look like he's falling in love with her (same amount of time), and we've got Carrie on our hands.

My advice to all these types: Don't go out. Nobody wants you there, as much as your friends say they do. Why do they say that? So they seem good by comparison. Everybody wants to be better than the worst person in their group. For girls, nobody wants to be the ugly girl, and for guys nobody wants to be the douche but somebody has to do it. You fill that role, so get the point. 

Oh, and if you've read my list and you don't recognize your friends amongst these types, well, I've got some news. It's you. Work on that.

Andrew Gutin

What Your Party Says About You

How do you party? Big or small? Loud and raucous or quiet and intimate? People in my generation think that they party a certain way, but it's not a representation of how they really are. It's just the booze/drugs/music/etc. doing the thinking. WRONG. How you party says a lot about you as a person. If you go to the following parties, chances are you give off the following vibe:

Rave: I love shitty house music or taking copious amounts of psychoactive drugs.

Foam Party: I'm a voyeur, but I'd love not to get caught fucking you on the dance floor three feet away from my friends.

Karaoke: I sing terribly and will mask this with alcohol, further exacerbating the first problem.

Gaming Party: I prefer Nintendo Wii over sexual contact.

Dinner Party: I like to pretend I'm classy before I get smashed on Franzia.

Beer Pong Tournament: I make bad decisions under the guise of competition.

Root Beer Pong Tournament: I'm an RA or I suck out loud... wait, the second part will suffice.

Kegger: I'm going to end the night fucking, punching or pissing on something or crying in a corner eating away my sad feelings in a pit of deep-fried depression.

Da Club: I do NOT act like some slut in a dive bar. I only give it up to guys who get bottle service.

Costume Party: No, you're not that hot, but I've always wanted to fuck a caveman/sexy nun.

Andrew Gutin

5 Things Which You Might Like

Simple idea: Here is a list of five things you might like which make me want to drive a claw hammer into my skull repeatedly.

1. Dane Cook - I am a huge fan of stand up comedy. I have been for years and I truly love it when people push the bounds of this art and find humor in places the rest of us merely couldn't. That being said, Dane Cook is not funny. What he does is merely a high-energy series of comments about things we all do which, were they delivered by somebody less attractive, would not get the same results. I may not be making the money he is, nor do I have his legion of fans, but if I had to tell his "jokes" (if we are allowed to call them that) to get where he is, I'd rather die in obscurity. I know we must all sell our soul a little for fame, but he just opened up his anus and told fame to plunge in without lube.

2. Dan Brown - I did read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I didn't mind it. Then again, I took a huge shit this morning and enjoyed that a great deal more. The man writes throwaway books for people who want to seem smart. You know, the douche-box who uses words which are just a little too big for them just so he can show that he knows them. Calling what he does 'Literature' is basically like pissing on William Faulkner because you've linked the two in some manner. The characters have no depth, the plot holes are so big you could fit a universe in between, the narration tells everything and, were it not for the next person on my countdown, Dan would be #1 on my awful writer's list.

3. Stephenie Meyer - I will never hit a woman. I've said that and I believe it, but god damn this woman is making it really hard to follow that rule. I apologize to all the Twi-fucks out there, but seriously? I read part of one of the books and my brain had to send electrical impulses to my limbs to remind them that I was still alive. In a two page section where the word "Beautiful" came up about ten times, I briefly considered finding Ms. (I pray to all the holy deities that nobody was stupid enough to marry this chick) Meyer and giving her a concussion with a thesaurus, but decided against it. In the wake of her films, I figure at least a few of her fans will kill each other and raise the general IQ of the world's population.

4. Nickelback - There is only one band that can record the same album 18 times and still be good, and that is AC/DC. You know why? Because when AC/DC goes on stage, you're scared of them. They're four foot tall Australian dudes, but you know they could kick your ass. Nickelback looks like the kind of band that would get raped at night on Sesame Street. Add to that the fact that they sound like a mixture of a person getting belted in the testicles and a cat dying and you've got the makings of a band even Satan wouldn't endorse. I'm pretty sure if they put out another album, they will be charged with crimes against humanity.

5. Michael Bay - All hail the Cinema Omega! If there is a person who will kill film, it is Michael Bay. I'm not saying he has the potential to be that bad because we know that. I'm saying if it's ever going to happen, he will do it. He will send film into a death roll of explosions and bare midriffs from which it can't escape. Some people reading this now are going, "Well, what's wrong with explosions and naked chicks?" and I hope you all choke to death on your own stupidity. I pray that the ghosts of Kurosawa, Godard, Chaplin and Kubrick go to Michael Bay's house and just kick the shit out of him. In fact, they're ghosts, so maybe they could kick the terrible ideas out of his head. Wait, that probably is all he has in there... KICK HARDER CHARLIE!!! The world would thank them.

Andrew Gutin

Make Fun

Okay, my friends, here is a public service announcement I've wanted to make for months. I'm sick and tired of people who have clue how to properly insult one another. As a kid, I remember this was common, but I figured as I grew older the insults would develop. I was sad to find out that as I grew up, the insults only grew more childish. Instead of crippling a person at their core, these insults were the kind of stab that wouldn't make a lasting mark in Play-Doh. Please allow me to instruct you in the finer arts of insult humor.

The first piece of business to attend to is your target. A lot of times, the better insults are not warranted. You can just stick to some standard ones, but that doesn't mean you need to be boring. Sure, douchebag is good, but vary is up. Douche-nozzle, meaning you are not even good enough to be a douche, but rather you are the nozzle through which douche passes, is a great change-up. In some cases too, you can use the fact that somebody isn't worthy of a good insult as an insult in and of itself. Remind the person that they are of such little significance in your life that insulting them would be a waste of manpower. However, for the more stubborn cockroaches in your life, the following guidelines might help.

Be gross. If you are at all squeamish when thinking up gross insults, grow the fuck up. I know it's scary to confront things like dead bodies or horrible sex acts in person, but in your head it should all be fair game. Preferably, your mind should look like a murder scene from CSI. Trust me, the more grotesque, the better. Incest, blood, gore, feces, sexual diseases and all available orifices are not only recommended, but necessary to bring somebody down to the level at which they belong. If it's so fucked up that you need a cold shower after you insult the person, you're about where you need to be. Preferably, the gross insult should be something so evil, so heinously wrong that even if the other person has a great comeback, they're too repulsed to get it out. I'd put some ideas here, but I want to sleep tonight so I'll let you decide what direction to take this. Hint: Hell and lower levels.

Make it personal. I know the "your mother" joke is still pretty common, but you can take it up a notch, people. Don't just say you fucked somebody's mother, because that's pretty weak. Good comedy comes from the joke that's harder to think up. You wanna hurt him? Describe it. Go into excruciating details. If you know the guy at all, use some of that. Is he from the deep south? Make a crack about you fucking her, but you're pretty sure he knows what that's like already. Is he a comic book nerd? Tell him that you loved the V for Vendetta poster on his bedroom wall, because it gave you something to pay attention to during the sad excuse for a blowjob his mom gave you. The closer you are, the more it hurts.

Insult something that they're proud of. I know, it sounds counterintuitive. Usually, you'd want to go for the thing they're least confident about because it's a sore spot, but believe me on this. The more confident somebody is about something, the more it hurts to get hit there. A very attractive woman once made fun of one of my friends for being a nerd, and somehow she ended up crying. Why? Because he KNOWS he's a nerd and he's been told it before. She, on the other hand, had never been told that her face bore a strong resemblance to Sylvester Stallone's cleft buttcheeks. True, an harsh hit, but she did fire the first volley, so it was a fair retaliation.

A word about timeliness. I know it can be tough to think up this stuff on the spot, but you need to do it for maximum impact. If it's over the line, so be it, but it might also be great and you just need to let it rip to find out. The longer you wait to get out the insult, the lamer it will sound. Give a slight pause between when the person makes an offensive comment and when you retaliate, but no longer than a few seconds or you'll face the dreaded insult gap. Pass that and still attempt an insult, and you're the stupid guy. If you need to work on this, keep some quick insults at the ready until this becomes second-nature. Or, barring that, stare the asshole down like you're going to knife him. It's not effective as a direct shot at his miniscule privates, but it does make him debate his next assault.

Last rule, and this is important: No fear, no regrets and no remorse. If you're going to do this, do it full on or it won't work. Half of the time, the reasons insults suck is because the insulter half-asses it and lets the intensity waver. By the time you're done spraying your vitriolic burst at your opponent, they should feel awful. They should feel like if they tried to commit suicide, Clarence the angel would let them do it. Let the bastards have it. If a person warrants some of the evil shit which I've mentioned above, game on. Now, go out there and make me proud.

Andrew Gutin

A Facebook Warning

I've been a member of the social networking site Facebook for over four years now. It is a great way to keep in touch with friends, family and those hot chicks who you still stalk from high school. Unfortunately, as with all good things, the site has some bad facets as well. Some people have had material they've posted on the site used against them in courts of law. Others have had it used against them by their employer or significant other. Some people just post dumb shit, and I'd like to end all of that. So, here are some ideas for the typical Facebook addict.

- Unless your status is funny or cool, nobody wants to hear what you're doing. You beat David Lee Roth in arm wrestling and won his hair piece? Post that shit. For the average person though, I'm sure you think it's fascinating that you're "drrrriinkiiinnnnnnnn," but the rest of us want to drive a tent spike through your head, you uneducated, alcoholic waste of space. If this is your typical status, your life is of very minute importance to everybody except the rapist who's going to use that information. On that note, have fun out on the town.

- When you post photos, you want to steer clear of anything which could attract police attention. I might just be a Cautious Cathy over here, but the picture with you holding a gun to a picture of your physics professor might get you some heat.

- Ladies, don't post yourself as being in a relationship with another woman if you aren't gay. I know, some of you don't want guys hitting on you, but here's a bit of information: GUYS LIKE LESBIANS. Your logic that saying you're in a relationship with a girl will stop guys makes as much sense as smearing honey on your body to stop a hungry bear.

- If you list, "Blazin' an fitin da man" (Actual Facebook Profile Information) as your hobbies, keep in mind that there are employers (da man) who might not be so hospitable to you. Now that you know, you can stop bitching about how you're unemployed in your horrendously misspelled status.

- Five words: Stop the kissy-face photos.

- Never post song lyrics as your status. To somebody, those words meant a lot, and they were in fact the artist who wrote that song. I bet you think you feel the same way, but you're the online equivalent of that drunk slut who thinks that every song is "her song." You want to quote a song? Write your own.

- If you flood my news feed with any stupid quizzes or games, I'm deleting you as a friend. I think I'd rather hear that you're doing shooting heroin into your balls than see that your Farmville farm has produced a bumper crop of corn.

Andrew Gutin

On Lying

We all lie. It is a necessary part of every day life at this point, though most of us would prefer not to admit it. Even the best of us are forced to bend the truth under some circumstances. Some of us, however, have turned it into an art form. There are even entire industries where creative fact-telling is an important facet of their business. Lest we forget the tobacco industry's assertion that there was no direct link between smoking and cancer... these are the Greek gods of competitive bullshit.

On CNN and the other pundit-based news networks, the talking heads they employ are also in the rarefied stratosphere of great liars. The news anchors themselves are forced to lie on occasion, but the commentators and 'experts' are BS professionals. I'm not even sure some of them would know what the truth is at this point in their careers. Eventually, you begin to live the lie and there is no going back. Anne Coulter wears the lie like a protective jacket over her mannish, skeletal frame.

And then we come to the marathon runners of lying: Politicians. Seriously, I lie some times to save my ass, but I couldn't do it at the volume they do. I'm an amateur next to these MLB (Major League Bullshit... yeah, I went there) players. Just to get by in a day without pissing off your constituents requires the linguistic maneuvering of a contortionist.

I applaud them, but at the same time I know their tricks. You see, with the movement of news from sporadic bursts of events to constant information, we're privileged to see these men and women at all times. As such, we can find their tells. Yes, just like poker players, politicians have tells which let us know when they're giving us a big ol' wad of misinformation.

President George W. Bush was known for having great verbal flubs during his press conferences, but he was also known for making plenty of odd faces. Notably, whenever he pronounced something right, he'd often give the camera a nice shit-eating grin to proclaim his happiness. Sure, Iran hates us, but he finally got Ahmadinejad right.

That is what he'd want you to think, but that Texan hid a lot more in that grin than just some phonetic pride. No, when he smiled, that was his tell. He'd make sure to put a complex name right next to the lie so we thought he was taking credit for the pronunciation, but he was just about to laugh because we were actually believing the lie. We all have this friend. The guy who can't lie to save his life, because whenever he does, he cracks up laughing. The "You bought that?" school of lying. The laugh is like a natural defense against telling a lie, but ol' George found a way around it. Then again, given his mental abilities, I'd say this has Rove and Cheney written all over it.

Barack Obama, the great man of change, lies as well. His tell is very cleverly concealed and it took me some time to find it, but I got him. When Obama talks, he seldom looks right into a camera. He looks from side to side, which gives a lot of emphasis to what he is saying, because it feels like he's addressing different parts of the audience at difference times. But therein lies the capacity to lie, too. By not looking at us straight on, he could lie and we would be none the wiser. We all have this friend, too. The guy who can't hold your gaze when he lies. He's a clever bastard too, because he'll make it seem like he's doing something which requires his attention other than you, but we all know better. It doesn't take your full attention to open and close a cell phone while you tell me about the "drunks" who smashed up my car last night when you had it.

Lastly, we have the general politician lying moves. I get very suspicious whenever I hear a lot of endearing terms in a political speech, like "My friends" or "My fellow Americans." This friend is especially insidious because he gets really chummy when he's about to lie to you or ask for something, but you're so flattered you don't see it. By making us equals, politicians make us more likely to listen to what they say. We're not beneath them, we're fellow Americans. It's almost like we're related when we say that. Next thing you know, you're helping that friend move or supporting a politician's tax hike and you don't even know when you got suckered in.

Watch out for the liars, friends. They're all over and well, I'd hate for you to get fucked by somebody who just knew how to push your buttons. It's not fair and they shouldn't do it, but they do, so we can fight. Be skeptical, be cynical and make sure to read between the lines when stuff gets said. Just because it comes out of the mouth of a powerful or popular person doesn't make it true. I'm pretty sure that's how a bunch of people ended up drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown.

And me? Am I trustworthy or just a paranoid citizen? Like I said, we all lie. It's unavoidable and not necessarily evil. Would you lie to save a friend? Your parents? Yourself? As far as me, you just have to decide whether my lies make me more honest than others, because everything is relative. I know, it's a lovely picture I paint of the world. At least now you're seeing it as it is.

Andrew Gutin

Thoughts Which Occur To Me

These are just some thoughts/jokes. Most of them probably suck, but hey it's worth it to get my mind working. Enjoy... or not. I just needed to write:

Jesus probably had a lot of alcoholics in his entourage because of that trick he pulled with the water.

They've made a lot of childhood toys into films. Transformers was huge, G.I. Joe made bank and I've heard Battleship is coming. All I want is for Tim Burton to sign on to do a Trolls movie.

I once went on a date with a girl who, when I informed her that I was Jewish, asked if I spoke 'That Gibberish Language.' I don't even need a punchline after that.

If I tell you that your idea is stupid, don't take it the wrong way. Your idea wasn't necessarily bad. Perhaps you're an idiot and I just never noticed until now.

I saw a girl sitting by the pool tanning at my building. I went over and stared at her for a moment, but was unsure what to say, so I just stood and gawked. She finally looked at me and said "You wanna take a picture?" while giving me this really nasty look. I snapped back into reality and said, "No, I like mine more medium well. I'll be back in ten minutes," and walked away.

I'm pretty sure Wile E. Coyote would have starved to death by now.

Women love to watch "The Notebook" because it's passionate, romantic and sexy. Men love to watch it because whenever Ryan Gosling does something good on screen, WE get points. Ryan Gosling... my DVD wingman.

Eating disorders are scary. Obesity kills many due to diabetes and heart disease. Bulimics die due to malnutrition and the effects of their vomiting. Anorexics often get blown off cliffs in a strong breeze.

Cooking is a great way to express creativity. I say that because any other hobby involving knives, fire and dead animals tends to be frowned upon.

Blacking out is God's version of censorship when you're about to do something that stupid.

DJs take other people's music, cut the songs up and put them together as their own material. In academia, they call that plagiarism.

Scientists say that humans are one of the only species that has sex face to face. The thing is they say that like it's a good thing.

A friend of mine thought sushi was too expensive, so he decided to go fishing and eat what he caught when it was raw. In retrospect, sushi is much cheaper than diarrhea.

During the olympics, I want to let hungry sharks loose in the pools. Motivation is key and well... that'll teach you to lose so much time on the breaststroke.

The Sioux people are known for beating back the Americans at the battle of Little Bighorn. Apaches are known for being warriors the likes of which the world hasn't seen since. The Mohawk nation is known for a hairstyle. Fame is a strange thing.

Rage Vol. 1

About a year or so ago, my friend Gautam and I thought up a game. This game is called "Rage." There is no point to this game other than to vent and there are no losers other than those we vent about. The rules are simple. One player gives another a topic and that person rants about that subject off the top of their head for as long as possible without breaking to think.

What qualifies as a topic? ANYTHING. People, places, ideas, slang terminology, whatever. Everything from the Catholic Church to Bret Michael's bandanas is fair game. If you think a person can get some good material out about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, let them have it.

What are you ranting about? Anything about that topic that pisses you off. Angelina Jolie... her freakish lips. Liechtenstein... the fact that it's so hard to spell. If you don't know anything about the topic, you can even rant about how obscure it is. Do whatever you can and let everything loose. The point of the game is to let out your anger in a ridiculous way, so swing for the fences.

Since I don't know how to set up an audio file on this site, I'll just write it out. Since I have no partner and I want to illustrate what this game is about, I'm going to pick a topic and start to rant as long as possible before I run out of steam. Okay? I'm ready.

Now... it's time for... RAGE!!!

Topic: Abstract Music.

What the fuck is that sound? Music? No, music sounds good. That sounds like a horse who's getting jacked off as somebody saws its head off. I don't care what some of these snobby ass hats tell me about their 'art.' I know music. I sang for 8 years and I've been a supporter of good music most of my life, but ten minutes of you screaming along to a voice recording of a person translating the Gettysburg Address into Spanish isn't music.

I had the absolute misfortune of going to an abstract music concert once. Music on the edge they called it. I didn't get the name until I saw the show. After ten minutes, I was on the edge of standing up, charging the stage and beating the cellist with his bow. Not that he was using it to make music anyways, so I might as well give it a try.

I thought all music had to  have something in common with the rest of the music. TO SOUND GOOD. From the worst country song to the heaviest death metal ballad, they all sound good to somebody. If abstract sounds good to you, get yourself checked because you might have brain damage. It's an affront to all that I find good about music to call some guy hitting random notes off beat music. Music has passion. Music has soul. All that abstract has is the ability to induce diarrhea.

You might say I just don't "get it." I'm not hip and the music is beyond me. What they're trying to do is somehow above me. Well... no. There's plenty of stuff that's above me. Beethoven's Fifth is beautiful, and I don't even pretend to fully grasp why it's so good, but it is. Jackoff #2's Bowel Movements While Playing Broken Guitar is not. If I got what that meant, I'd probably pray for sweet death. To "get it" means to have my head so far up my own ass, I somehow become lodged up somebody else's ass as well.

Maybe there's some good abstract music out there. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Then again, I sat through Music on the Edge and it made me want take a bath with a radio, so I think I'm right where I need to be. You, however, might consider that bath.

...and I'm done.

Suggest a topic for me for next time if you enjoyed this. I'd love to try a user rant if I could. Also, play on your own. Get some beer, get angry and have fun. It's a great game, and the only true way to vent without being thrown out of the bar.

Andrew Gutin

That Holiday Time of Year

Since we just passed the holiday season and the new year, I figured I'd weigh in with some thoughts on each of these glorious happy days. I find that each holiday has a message, and sometimes it gets lost in the rush of emotions. Allow me to straighten things out:

The Holidays For People We Care For

Valentine's Day: Hallmark's way of reminding single people that they need to lower their standards.

Christmas: That time of year when we show our love for the people who value most to us... if they bought us a Wii.

Mother's Day: Mom gets gifts for being a great mom.

Father's Day: Dad gets hush money and cologne for putting up with mom.

Thanksgiving: I'm thankful I only need to see all you people once a year.

The Drunk Holidays

New Years: Let's get drunk and celebrate because we didn't die this past year.

Halloween: Let's get drunk and celebrate women who dress like sluts.

St. Patrick's Day: I'm not even close to Irish, but I'll pretend to be from Dublin if it gets me green Pabst and a chance to see boobs.

Mardi Gras: See above for similar holiday.

Holidays For Important People

Columbus Day: Native Americans not so big on this one.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Even racists shut up because this gets them a day off of work.

Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah: Jews eat a lot.

Yom Kippur: Jews don't eat for a day, then eat a lot.

Military Holidays

Veterans Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and survived.

Memorial Day: Day off in honor of people who fought for our country and died.

Independence Day: Suck it, England.

The Holidays I Can't Explain

April Fools' Day: Let's all act like Ashton Kutcher.

Arbor Day: Something about trees.

Labor Day: Nobody works. Kind of a flammable/inflammable situation.

Groundhog Day: Something about a gopher.

Kwanzaa: If I knew, that would make the me the first person who did.

Easter: Jesus died, so a bunny hides eggs.

Oh yeah... now I'm feeling jolly.

Andrew Gutin

Gutin's Table, Pt. 1

I'm not a food authority by any stretch of the imagination.  I just love to eat and have eaten a lot of great food which I think you should eat too. In five-part installments, I plan on sharing the places I think do something really great, whether it's a particular dish (Pizza, Cocktails, Fried Chicken) or something which just makes the place a great eatery (Atmosphere, Clientele). And don't worry, I'll make sure you know why the stuff is that damn good.

Now, these are my opinions, so if you want to give your opinion, feel free. If you want to suggest a place which you think is better, do it. I'm willing to update the list if it gets me a great meal. The only rule I have for the moment is that the establishment must be in the United States. Other than that, everything is fair game. Enjoy!

Best Philly Cheese Steak:

Item: Cheese Steak, Cheese Whiz and Onions (Whiz Wit).

Place: Jim’s Steaks (www.jimssteaks.com), 400 South Street, Philadelphia, PA 19147.

Why?:
I know that right about now, there are  a lot of people who are wishing death upon me for not picking Pat's or Geno's, but... this is better. Breathe... yes, I said Jim's is better. It's what I prefer, so put down that hardened scrapple and just give me a minute to explain.

Jim's was where I had my first cheese steak and, to date, they do it the best as far as I'm concerned. The steak is greasy, but in the good flavorful way. The cheese, even though it's merely humble Cheese Whiz, is extraordinary when mixed with the fatty meat on top of a soft but sturdy roll. The bite of the fried onions is all that's needed to top off this culinary dream. Haute cuisine this ain't, but it is out of this world.

Best Ice Cream:
Item: Salted Caramel Ice Cream
Location: Bi-Rite Creamery (biritecreamery.com), 3692 18th Street, San Francisco, CA 94110.

Why?:
I'll be honest, salt and ice cream doesn't sound like it should mix. In my head, the first time my sister Sarah told me about salted caramel ice cream, delicious was not the word on my mind. Pepto Bismol seemed more appropriate. However, in this clever concoction, it all makes sense. The salt just helps to bring out a lot of moisture and flavor from the other components of the ice cream.

The Bi-Rite Creamery is known for odd flavor combinations, and this one is no different. It tastes exactly like caramel ice cream, but with just a little something more, and that more puts it over the edge. I had it once when i was in San Francisco and, had it not been for a conversation with my sister, I would have gobbled it up before it had a chance to melt.

Best Burrito Remix: 
Item: Korean Short Rib Burrito
Location: Kogi Truck (kogibbq.com), Mobile Locations - See the website for changing locations throughout the day. Stationary Location - The Alibi Room (www.alibiroomla.com), 12236 Washington Boulevard, Culver City, CA 90066.

Why?:

Los Angeles is full of great Mexican food. There are taco trucks, burrito joints, empanada vendors and so on. However, one slight twist on the classic burrito and Los Angelenos were going fucking crazy. What could do this, you say? Why, Korean burritos of course.

The Kogi trucks are just like any other Mexican food in L.A., but the meats are spiced with traditional Korean marinades, from sweet and spicy pork to my favorite, the short rib burrito. If you've ever eaten at a Korean barbecue restaurant, the short ribs are usually one of the best dishes on the menu, and here is no exception. It's tender, juicy and... I'm drooling just thinking about it. The meat is mixed with jack and cheddar cheese, eggs and hash browns to make a true taste explosion.

If the fact that I love it doesn't tempt you, you should know that there are people who follow the trucks for miles, I repeat MILES, just to get a taste of their tacos and burritos. This is no exaggeration. It's great food and people know it. Don't feel like following around a truck on Friday night? No problem. The nice people at Kogi people set up permanent residence at the Alibi Room in Culver City. Stop by, try it and you will not regret it.

Best Sandwich:
Item: Primanti's Cheese Steak, Fried Egg
Location: Primanti Brothers (www.primantibrothers.com), 3803 Forbes Avenue (Oakland Location), Pittsburgh, PA 15213.

Why?:
For three and a half years while I was in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I chowed down on this sandwich. For almost two of those years, it was a weekly ritual. Every week after glee club practice, I'd grab some people and go to this restaurant for a bite. It's not quite a cheese steak in the Philly sense, but for what it lacks in that respect, it more than makes up for in flavor.

The sandwich is made up of many parts.
1. Bread - Two thick slices of good, crusty Italian bread. I think that each sandwich is like a quarter of a loaf, and you need that structural support to hold up the rest of this monster.
2. Steak - It's more like a fried steak burger which they finish off on the flat top grill. Greasy, but the bread absorbs all of that goodness.
3. Provolone Cheese - A Pittsburgh staple. No whiz here.
4. Tomato - Crisp contrast to a lot of the rest of the sandwich. We're only a little over half way at this point. Oh, there's more.
5. Cole Slaw - A vinegar-based slaw which, like the tomato, adds some depth to the sandwich.
6. French Fries - Thick cut, freshly fried fries makes this sandwich almost perfect.
7. Fried Egg - When you take your first bite into this thing, the yolk just brings everything together well, all is right with the world.
This sandwich is huge, do not get me wrong. When you're hungry though, it is sublime.

Best Sandwich - Honorable Mention: 
Location: Zingerman’s Deli (www.zingermansdeli.com), 422 Detroit Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104.
Why?:
These guys know how to make a sandwich and they do it every day for their hungry University of Michigan crowd. Zingerman's makes everything either on premises or through their own, hand-selected purveyors. Putting is mildly, they make some damn good stuff.

Best Drink… Period: 
Item: Root Beer:
Location: Fitz’s Soda Bar and Grill (www.fitzsrootbeer.com), 6605 Delmar Boulevard, St. Louis, MO 63130.
Why?:
If you hate root beer, try Fitz's. If this elixir of the gods doesn't make you a convert, nothing will. I can't really describe it more than saying it's wonderful. Fizzy bubbles tickling your tongue, it's sweet but not too sweet and complex like some of the best wine. I know it sounds grandiose, but it's warranted for this liquid seductress. You can't get root beer like this anywhere, and I love root beer so trust me when I say that THERE IS NO DRINK BETTER THAN THIS. No beer, no juice, no liquor, no cocktail, no fizzy lifting beverage can compare to a Fitz's root beer.

For a couple of years, my parents bought cases of the stuff for me for my birthday. I have a problem giving my Fitz's away to people just because it deprives me of one of my bottled delights. Does this seem like an addiction? Yeah, but fuck, I don't care. Try one and you'll be guarding your own bottles like it was the One Ring (oh yeah, LOTR reference #1 on the blog). It's been over a ten year love affair and I still love every sip of every bottle, so I hope you'll give it a try. Just don't try to take one of mine or we'll have problems.

Okay, that's the first glorious five. Let me know if you do go out for this food and if you liked it. Send me any suggestions for locations you want me to go to or categories you want me to weigh in on and I'd be happy to oblige as well. Now, I'm going to go make dinner because writing this has made me exceptionally hungry. Eat well, America.

Andrew Gutin

An Open Letter To Americans On The Road

Dear America,
Learn to drive. No, seriously, get your heads out of your asses and figure this shit out. I am tired of slamming on my brakes or swerving out of your way when you do something stupid. Please, read a driver's book, practice on your own until you get it right or stop driving altogether. I'd prefer the last choice, but I can't assume everybody will give up driving because of me, so improvements are all I ask.

I'm a New Jersey driver. You know us? The people all the TV shows make fun of, and you guys all seem to have a laugh about with your friends? Yeah. I'm telling you that you suck. This is equivalent of Joseph Stalin telling you that you might be a bit paranoid. Now, you get the sense of urgency implied in this message.

I am not a great driver. I am fully aware that I do not know how to parallel park, but because of that I don't even try to do it most of the time. I don't want to anger other drivers by wasting their time, so unless I'm confidant, I just find a more open spot where I won't put my own or other's property at risk. See? I am bad at something. I don't get the time to practice it in a safe environment, so I just avoid it where possible, making the world a safer place for other people.

Here are some sample areas for improvement:
1. Switching lanes -
When you want to switch lanes, do so in a cautious manner, making sure to check for traffic behind you and to your side. We all understand that in bad traffic, a lane switch may take longer than during lull periods, so be sure you're clear before you start to move. That being said, when you move to switch, MOVE TO SWITCH. Do not take ten minutes to move your car the six feet from one lane to the next. You may think you're being a good driver, but you're just pissing off every single person behind you. Oh, and when we cut you off, you can see first-hand how a real lane change should be done. It's a learning tool. We hate you, but we're trying to educate as well.

2. Signaling -
Along with the lane change, one of the things which people on the roads can't seem to grasp is the turn signal. Here's a recap of how to work it -
Step 1: Decide to switch lanes/make a turn within 200 feet of making that movement.
Step 2: Put on your left or right turn signal, depending on what direction you intend to go.
Step: 3: When getting close to that change, speed up if switching lanes to keep the pace of traffic or slow down if approaching a turn.
Step 4: Complete the lane switch or turn.
Step 5: If your car does not immediately turn off the signal, please do so as quickly as possible to avoid confusion.

Seems easy, right? Wrong. On most roadways, you're bound to encounter the following.
1. Cars signaling ten millennia before they intend to make any sort of movement in that direction. With these types at least, you know to be wary, because it may not be now, it may not even be within the next hour, but eventually they're going to move.
2. People who believe that a millisecond is enough time for everybody to register their move... in rush hour traffic. On this note as well, these are the people who tend to switch lanes without looking. They assume that the turn signal is some sort of magical switch that opens up room in adjacent lanes automatically. They're shocked when their BMW is mysteriously crushed by a Mac truck who just happened to wander into the magic space cushion.
3. Occasionally, somebody doesn't signal at all, just preferring to let us all guess as to their ultimate destination. Left lane? Right lane? Into the median? Who knows? Maybe if these douchebags put a large flashing disco ball on their spoilers, we'd know to keep clear. Also, funky car attachments would return to the highways. Just a thought.
4. Drivers who use the wrong turn signal for the motion they're making. This isn't Divison I Football, Slick. You're allowed to telegraph your movements. I see a right turn signal, I assume you're moving to the right. I don't tend to think that when a right turn signal goes on, you'll be going five lanes to the left. Nice slant route, you shmuck. The highway police would love to have a word with you.

3. Parking Spots -
This is another idea which, to me, seems elementary. The people who painted that spot made it a certain size for a reason. When it says 'compact', that doesn't mean you should try to wedge in there, Mr. Ford F-150. No, that space is for me, the guy who chose to drive a small, affordable Japanese automobile. You can go down to another level to try and fit that gargantuan vehicle in a parking stable.
And when you try to get your car into the space, do just that. Go the whole way in. Do not leave your car hanging out, because I swear to almighty God that you will get hit. Too hard to pull out if you pull all the way in, you say? Well then, park somewhere else and let the rest of us have a crack at the spaces you waste.
Lastly, take one space. You see those lines on the ground? The white ones. Yeah, you're right, those are the same ones I talked about before. Not only do they indicate a size restriction, but they also mark separate spots. If you can't fit into one, sorry but you'll have to go elsewhere. I'm not driving further just because you were the brain-dead moron who couldn't figure out how to color in the lines.

4. The Fast Lane -
On most highways, the far left lane is the fast lane. Why do they call it that? Well, because you're supposed to go fast, silly. I know, it makes a lot more sense than parking on a driveway and driving on the parkway. Either way, when you're in that lane, you're expected to go... audience contribution here... FAST! I'm not asking you to break the speed limit, but if you are in the fast lane going more than ten miles under the speed limit with no reason to do so (traffic backup, car accident, moose in the road, etc.), well then you sir, you should be kicked in the nuts. Ladies, I'm sure we could think of a similarly unpleasant punishment, but I'd prefer not to get into those kinds of details on this blog... yet.

5. Turning -
I hadn't had a problem with this one until I'd graduated from high school, but it must have been one of those things that just didn't seem important when I was the bad, new driver. Maybe I even did it once or twice in my automotive youth. If you approach a turn where there are no pedestrians or other impediments and you insist on taking the turn at 5 mph on a 45 mph road, the blood vessels in my head will pop. I don't get. These people turn like the road suddenly became a treacherous mountain pass and they're going to fall off of it if their car moves in a forward direction. Move faster, jerks, or don't be surprised when you see me punching my dashboard in your rearview mirror.

6. Slow Driving -
I'm pretty sure by this point, you all think I'm just a blowhard who thinks that only one way of driving is correct. Well, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to apologize just because most of you don't know how to drive strategically. Not defensively or offensively, but strategically. I say that because there is a strategy to how our road systems are set up. If you are the person in front of a line of traffic, it's your duty to either keep pace or get out of the way. Do not hold people up just because you want to cruise.

On a one way street, this is more important than ever. You're at the front, so a little slowness for you could mean major backups for the guy ten cars behind you. While the traffic authorities may not think this means much in terms, tell this to the person who needs to get to work on time or they're fired. Just because you need to waste some time before you get home to the spouse you settled for doesn't mean I should get held up from my errands. Are they that important? No, but it doesn't mean I want to wait for your Mazda P.O.S. to break 20 miles an hour.

I know, by the way, that there are times to drive more slowly. After it has just rained, in the fog or in the snow, it can be hazardous out. Also, if you speed in a construction zone, fines are doubled, so watch out. However, this is not the case for most of us most of the time, and if you live in a place where inclement weather is the norm, chances are you know how to drive at a normal speed. So, keep all of this information in mind and speed the hell up. It's not tailgating if horse and buggies are passing you.

I'm sure if I had more time, I could think of more rules, but at this point in time, I'd rather not add to my seething rage. I get enough of it daily when I get on the road, and even more when I restrain myself from acting on those urges. That's my gift to you, America. You drive better, and I continue to leave my nail gun at home when I take car trips. Deal?

Safe driving, America.

Andrew Gutin

Department of Maximum Vexation

Today, I finally decided to take my California driver's license test. By law, I should have done it months ago, but for those of you who knew my work schedule for the last five months, this was basically impossible. I worked on every day that the DMV was open and I always worked later than they were open. Sure, I could have done it when I first got here, but I had exploring to do. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

So, I drove off to the DMV and it didn't take long, even in mid-day traffic. The parking lot was busy, but not crowded to capacity. I took my spot and walked to the door, but before I could get there I was almost hit by a car. Had the driver waited another instant, I would be writing this article from a hospital somewhere in Hollywood. I have a feeling that the small Asian girl taking that test had just been told she had failed, assuming that nearly killing a pedestrian IN THE DMV PARKING LOT counts against you. Also, I'm not sure how many of you know me, but I'm over six feet tall, two hundred pounds. I'm not the easiest person to miss, let alone in a place where you're supposed to be going slow anyways. Most people would see this near-accident as a bad omen, but I had work to do, so I sucked it up and went inside.

The Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles has, for a long time, been an object of scorn. If you have ever seen some film, TV show or advertisement which jokes about the inefficiency of the DMV, the people who wrote that particular piece of media were probably talking about a place like the one I went to in Hollywood. The jokes... are sadly based in reality. Upon entrance, you need to wait in line, get paperwork, fill out the paperwork, get in line again, get a number then wait. And wait. AND wait. I probably sat in the waiting pen for over an hour before my number was called, though I've heard of people waiting over three hours on busy days.

Surrounding me was probably one of the weirdest assortments of humanity I have ever seen. Barely legal immigrants, smooth-talkers who thought they could get by the system with a few kind words, obvious drug users, the inconceivably stupid, the occasional attractive person (GASP!), those who haven't been to the DMV since the 1950's, rockers, indie kids, the extremely handicapped, those who speak no language offered at the DMV and a gaggle of other miscreants. It was, for all intents and purposes, a clusterfuck and smack dab in the middle of it all was yours truly. I was forced to sit on the edge of a row, next to the woman who didn't seem to realize that her dress/tarp was falling down not because it was loose, but because of the continuous pressure from the rest of her body. I prayed and prayed it would stay up, lest I experience the same effect as opening the ark of the covenant.

When my number was mercifully called, I stood and ran to the counter a little faster than I should have. The woman was able to process me quickly and sent me to take my written test. If you have an out of state license which is still valid when you try to get your license in California, you need to take the written test only and you get your license. This is good news for me and all those who do not want to hear the horror stories of Andrew Gutin trying to parallel park.

I walked over and got my photo taken, then proceeded into the examination room. Two young Latin girls sat behind the counter, handing out tests and correcting the ones they had collected by hand. As I waited to get my test, five people failed. Six questions and you were done. At least three of the people didn't even get past the first page of questions before they'd failed. I began to worry at this point, having only given cursory glances at areas I needed to review in the driver's handbook.

When I finally got to take the test, it seemed easy enough. A few questions caused me to think for a bit, but I was done in under ten minutes. As I walked up to get my test corrected, the two people in line both failed. One person had failed for his third time that day. I'm going to repeat that last part, just so you get how bizarre this is to me. The man failed the driver's test three times that day. He didn't want to go home and I guess the previous two times hadn't been enough of a clue as to his cognitive abilities. The girl took my exam and got out her red pen. It seemed like she was waiting to draw blood from my exam, to kill my driving hopes. She made two scratches on the first page and my heart sank. She turned it over and made one more mark. SUCCESS! She handed me a paper and smiled, pleased, it seemed, that somebody could pass. I smiled too, knowing that I'd actually done better in California than in New Jersey when I'd originally gotten my license. I pretended to study the information on the sheet while inside I was giddy. To my left, an older woman got the first six answers on her test wrong, and I had to get out of there before I was forced to watch more failure in action.

Leaving the room, I was happy. Then I noticed the room full of people. It was almost 4 o'clock and there were still over a hundred people waiting to be seen. At the same time, a group of five employees sat around a coffee maker joking about something, none of them making any effort to help the situation. They seemed oblivious to it all, as if they weren't standing in the same office as me. I'm going to sound like a broken record for saying this, but come on. You know your office gets made fun of for being slow. That's like the LAPD giving rewards to officers who target minorities. It just doesn't help your predicament, but whatever. I'm done with them for now, so I'll leave the rabble behind and go on my merry way.

After passing the test, I left the DMV parking lot and could feel a wave of relief slide over as I drove away. First of all because I'd passed, but secondly because I had survived my first experience with the dreaded DMV. I decided to reward myself by going to a place I'd seen and read about before but never been to. In Culver City, right down the street from where I used to work at The Culver Studios, there is a restaurant called Father's Office. Father's Office prepares one of the best burgers in L.A. and pairs it with a great selection of beers. However, they're not open for lunch during the week. In that place, there is a hot dog cart across the way from them named Let's Be Frank. Let's Be Frank has been ranked as one of the best hot dogs in the city. L.A. magazine continuously mentions it as a great dog, putting it in line with other L.A. classics like Pink's. It's good praise at the least, but I had to try it to know for sure.

The cart was closing down when I got there, but the owner Sue and her employee didn't mind cooking up one more dog. This to me is the mark of great business, as I'm sure many restaurants would have told me to go elsewhere. But no, Sue has a dedication to great food, as shown by her organic approach to hot dogs. And the taste? It's wonderful. The bun is crispy from the grill, the dog has a nice snap to it and the inside is so juicy and flavorful, it makes your mouth yearn for the next bite. Some grilled onions and deli mustard made the party complete. I now know a great hot dog spot in Culver City and I will be back.

Now calmed down from the DMV escapade and happy from the dog, I drove home. Traffic took forever, but I had my temporary license in hand so it was all good. I get the real thing in two weeks and can't wait. Until tomorrow, goodbye and safe driving.

Andrew Gutin

Hello Again...

About seven months ago, I arrived in Los Angeles. I was a scared 22 year old, fresh out of college, unsure of whether I could make it out here in Los Angeles. I'm 23 now and still unsure of that fact, but I am a bit more confident in my skills at navigating this fair city. I can go from North Hollywood to Torrance, then to LAX and finally a bar downtown without breaking a sweat. Okay, from time to time I get lost and find myself frantically searching through my map books to get home, but it gets rarer and rarer with each passing day.

However, this time around, we won't just be traveling and eating and bitching. No, that was necessary when I first got here and needed to get to know L.A. I still do, but now I have a fairly decent grasp of restaurants and points of interest so I don't feel so small in a city this large. I still remember my first trip to Tito's vividly and thank my sister for making me pursue what was probably one of the most worthwhile ventures since I've been here.

In my months I was away from blogging, I got a chance to work for Scrubs, one of my favorite TV shows, as well as the critically-acclaimed Cougar Town. Work was truly a joy. I have never laughed that hard in my life, I got my first exposure to 'The Industry' and can't wait for the next step. I also did a hell of a lot of driving for work, further helping my confidence on the streets of L.A. It was a wonderful experience, at times draining but satisfying in every respect. Oh, before I forget, watch season 9 of Scrubs on ABC or online at ABC.com. Check local listings for air dates and times. It's my blog. I can plug whatever the hell I want.

There will be some changes to the blog in this incarnation. There will be travelogues as before, but there will also be rants, raves, rankings, stories, a smattering of random thoughts and perhaps something funny here and there (maybe... I promise nothing). Submit any ideas you have to me if there is something you'd like me to write about, but otherwise I'll just write about whatever feels best at the moment. My mind is a frightening place, so guidance wouldn't be a terrible thing. That being said, I hope you enjoy and welcome back, my friends.

Andrew Gutin